Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

I knew once she'd come out of the bathroom the moment I had been fearing would arrive. After I put on some jeans I remembered to hide her slip under the covers, just in case, and went to sit with my back against the headboard. I couldn’t believe we had slept together in that bed. For a moment I truly doubted it… Only Jeanne could make me doubt my senses. But my pillow had her scent on it, as I had been wishing for so long, since Brazil, when the fact that I needed to meet her became so obvious, and even before.

“I have to leave,” she said softly, running her hand through her hair and scanning the floor for her clutch bag. My heart sank to my feet but I tried not to show. I didn’t want her anywhere but there with me. I slowly lifted her bag from my side, tilting my head. She understood it wasn’t going to be quick or pretty. Drama King was about to make his appearance.

“Are you staying with him?” I couldn’t even pronounce his name. The idea was tormenting me, and I sounded as if I was just that, like really tormented.

“No–––Jeanne muttered curtly, ruffling her hair. I’m staying with my friend Fabia.” She was trying hard to act like nothing was happening.

“The one with whom you were going to our show?” I wanted to ask her every single little detail about the freaking guy and what really brought her to Philadelphia, but I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t have the right to… She didn’t owe me any sort of explanation. She had already admitted she did wrong lying and it should stop there, but I was struggling to control myself.

“Yes.” She glimpsed away while putting on her shoes. For some reason something tinkled in the pit of my stomach.

“Are you going?” I couldn’t help but straightened up at the sudden expectation.

“I’m not,” Jeanne said, looking at me right into the eyes.

“You are,” I retorted in my cheeky grin.

“No, I’m not,” she stated, crossing her arms. I instinctively pouted. God… Drama King and such a baby, but I could still manage to make it even worse.

“When do you return to France?”

“Tomorrow–––she let out almost ignoring me, as she was removing fluff from her shoulder. It has been planned as a quick trip since the beginning…” But in fact she was giving me some sort of explanation, and somehow, that and the idea of being parted from her side again dropped my guard instantly. I was so weak.

“Please, stay…”

“Harry…” Jeanne shifted in her spot, uncomfortable.

“Don’t go.” God, I sounded clingy as you can get.

“I’m sure you have plenty of things to do,” she claimed in a joyful tone, scrunching her face a bit, amused, and coming to sit on the bed. “Your mother is here…” She playfully pulled from my jean.

“How do you know that?” I squinted at her.

“Louis told me,” she said, turning away. My mind grunted at the memory of them together. Should I have to ask her something about it? But at the next second I got the feeling that she was worried. Was it because she felt bad for sneaking around with him or maybe something else?

“It’s not the same–––I leant closer to grab her hand. I’ve been missing you like mad–––I mumbled. You don’t even write me…” Jeanne didn’t take her hand away, so I dropped her clutch bag on my lap and clasped our hands together.

“We can’t stay pending on each other, we can’t,” she complained. I could feel my eyes beginning to itch. In spite of everything Jeanne and I hadn’t move a single bit from our last conversation. Neither the distance, our encounter nor the love-making had made her change her mind about us. We were still going in circles. “We both have so much to do,” she said sternly.

“Please, don’t leave–––I held her hand tighter. Let me change your ticket and stay with me for at least one day.” Who would have told me when I recorded that song a few months earlier that someday I was going to feel it in my bones?

“Don’t do this,” she murmured, reaching out for her bag with her free hand and ripping it from my lap. She stood up quickly, turning around. “Good…”

“No, not goodbye,” I interrupted her, standing up behind her and pulling from her hand towards me, as I still had it captured between mine. Jeanne slowly looked up once her body collided with mine. “Not goodbye…” I stared into her eyes, frowning. How could she be so hard to read? Was she mad? Was she flustered? Was she moved? I simply couldn’t tell because she was as a statue. I didn’t want to snap or get angry, but it was so difficult. “Why did you come here?” I muttered in a trembling voice as I circled her waist around my arms. God, her warm body relaxing on me… I could have died right there.

“I felt guilty.” That didn’t sound as Jeanne. She was holding her bag tightly against her chest.

“No, you didn’t come to mend things but to fuck me,” I claimed, bending boldly over her face. Jeanne battered her eyelashes lazily. “This is what you do, isn’t it?–––I ventured, quite hurt. With your lovers?” Jeanne quickly glanced back up at me, but remained in silence. I breathed her scent and flicked my gaze to her lips. What did she do to me? I caught a glimpse of her lips beginning to part. I should have kissed her then. “I am in love with you, Jeanne…” I murmured. Her face was so near it was impossible for me to miss a single detail of her reaction to my words.

“We just met,” she tried to meditate with me after closing and opening her eyes in some gesture of extenuation. But I still had a lot to say, and she was going to listen whether she liked it or not.

“That is not true,” I said, adjusting her body to mine.

“Don’t insist on the fate's argument–––she warned me. I told you it means nothing to me.” No, of course I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. I was just bringing out the heavy artillery.

“Jeanne, you know you have them all flustered because you are beautiful, you have this body and you move in a way I can’t describe–––I mused, half shutting my eyes as I pulled her even closer to grind her against me. And this face of yours…––––I led a set of fingers to lift her chin up. I won’t deny any of it. I got hard-ons just by thinking of your skin.” Jeanne lightly grimaced. “But to me it’s not only about that. You have this mind–––I took my index to her temple while looking intently into her eyes–––the mind behind your writing. It wasn’t just the smut…–––I shook my head ‘no,’ speaking thoughtfully. I got fascinated by your mind. I was waiting on your updates because I couldn't get enough of your mind… When we are apart this is what I miss the most–––I insisted. Talking to you, listening to you, how your eyes shine and your smile beams when you speak of something you are passionate about. And the way you reach my mind…” My eyes closed. “I can’t resist it.” I glanced back at her. She was still in that transfixed expression. “Forget the fact that we keep running and running into each other…” Jeanne tilted her head and gave me a patronising look.

“You are taking this out of proportion, Harry–––she sighed. Let’s keep it as it is. I have to go.”

If I didn’t miss her so much I could. If I didn’t fear her so much I would. I could keep it casual if she were any other girl as I had done before, but being Jeanne, I just couldn’t. But back to ‘casual’ was better than friends, although it wasn’t near enough of what I wanted with her. I wanted even more than what I was really bound to admit to myself then. Should I accept this? It was what we agreed to in Paris… How could she do this to me? There was so much of her, her life, of what she was doing daily that was away from me… And I just wanted it all. Even if I couldn’t be physically with her because of my work at least I wanted to be close, and know everything about her. Why would she deny me that? And why couldn't I just keep it quiet? Why should I need to push her around when I got all the signs to shut my freaking mouth up? Because she was about to leave, and I was desperate to make things change, but it was useless.

“Let me put on some boots and I’ll walk you to the security perimeter.” I released her warm body and quickly moved away. I didn’t know if she felt it too, the withdrawal, the fear that it could be the last time I held her between my arms. I just couldn’t tell… She seemed a little annoyed though. I couldn’t force her to stay. She wasn’t there yet. She didn’t want a relationship with me, and I had to admit maybe she wasn’t into me as I was into her. Well, not in the sex department, but in the rest.

I’d have a bit more time to think on our way to the lobby, but I became a bit gloomy. Part of me was resenting her. When I finished dressing she walked up to the door and waited for me to come along, letting me to open it for her. I couldn’t stay mad at my geisha. She was always allowing me to act as a gentleman and do things as if I was in charge even if I wasn’t. I smiled at her and she smiled back, seeming to relax. But once we stepped out of the room a loud shouting accompanied of claps and whistles surprised us. All the lads were gathered there… Exactly what we were needing. Even Louis was leaning on the wall, but his arms were crossed. He lightly nodded his head at me. They were impossible.

But she was far more surprising than them. Jeanne laughed and bowed down graciously. I knew they were going to jump over her. They were as mad about her as I was. Did it startle me? Not really. She was everything… She was the most feminine creature you could ever behold, but at the same time she had that sense of humour, that confidence and allure, and when Niall came to hold her she was as one of the boys. It was impossible for them not to fall for her. Everybody was in love with her, from the waiter at La Sorbonne’s square to Pat; everybody I got to see near her was under her spell. There was something about Jeanne, and I couldn’t really explain it, but it was there.

“Are you going to our show tonight?” Liam dodged me to come to hold her too. I just rolled my eyes, walking a bit behind. The rest was rushing by my side, except Louis, who was keeping his distance. I call it self-preservation instinct.

“I have a dinner party to attend,” Jeanne explained. Annoyed, I slapped Luke’s hand as he tried to reach a lock of her hair.

“That sounds boring–––Ashton stated approaching her and she glimpsed at him. You should come and see us play. We are a real band.”

“Back off, mate–––Niall pushed him away. I play guitar.”

“And we play piano,” Liam added, pulling from Louis to his side. Louis… Jeanne and him glanced at each other and giggled. My mind grunted.

“We could crash your dinner party!” Calum claimed and I tapped him on the chest, flashing him a lop-sided glare. “OK, we won’t.” They were driving me insane. I wondered what could make that moment getting closer between Jeanne and me even worse. And then I got my answer.

“Hello, son,” I heard as soon as we rounded the last corner of the corridor before the lift. I abruptly took my gaze away from Jeanne. Everybody stopped on his tracks. “Good morning, boys. And this young lady…” Mum and Gemma continued walking towards us, smiling profusely, especially Gemma, who couldn’t contain the excitement.

“This is…” I began to speak, glimpsing at Jeanne nervously, desperate to read her.

“I’m Jeanne Mars–––she stepped forwards and held her hand out to my mother. Pleased to meet you.” My heart raced inside my chest. It wasn’t the first time my mother got to meet my flame, but this was way more complicated than just that. Sleeping together was almost implied.

“Pleased to meet you too, Jeanne,” mum said in a cheerful tone as she grabbed her hand and shook it. As they locked eyes I noticed Jeanne’s eyelids flickering out of control for a short second. Was she…? I fought to contain a grin. “I’m Harry’s mother and this is my daughter, Gemma.” My sister waved her hand foolishly. “We were having breakfast nearby,” mum commented casually as they let their hands go. I wondered if Jeanne got some flavour from their contact. “Are you leaving? The street is pretty mad at the moment…”

"I saw your work last night–––Gemma interrupted her to speak to Jeanne. I think your job is fascinating.”

“Yeah, we think the same,” Niall mumbled, and a restrained giggle resounded all around. I shot them a quick glare. They’d get more later.

“OK, she's leaving,” I stated and moved towards Jeanne, refraining my compulsion to grab her by the shoulders and take her away from there myself.

“Oh, but I was hoping we could get to know each other!” Gemma cut me short in a girlie voice. I couldn’t help but squint at her.

“Well, if you happen to go to Paris…” Jeanne muttered confusedly, quickly glimpsing at me. God, she was hating everything.

“That would be lovely–––my sister said wilfully. Here–––she took her mobile from her bag and handed it to Jeanne. Add your number and I’d ring you if I go.” Jeanne smiled lovingly and grabbed the phone, starting to type. “Look, Harry–––Gemma let out in irony. She’s giving me her number. It wasn’t that difficult.” Everybody laughed. I immediately glanced at Louis and he just shrugged. The teasing would never end, at least from my sister. She had been teasing me since I can remember.

After my mum and Gemma left, the boys escorted us to the lift. They wanted to jump inside, but Louis grabbed Niall’s arm and they seemed to understand we needed to go on our own. One by one they hugged Jeanne and told her some kind words. It would have been perfect if she had accepted to be my girlfriend. But she hadn’t, and I was sulking, and starting to grief in advance. As Louis’ turn arrived my stomach lurched. He held her around the shoulders and murmured something to her ear I couldn’t get. Jeanne moved her hand to pat his elbow. I could feel it, the jealousy, the heat rushing through my whole body. The tension around became evident. I gulped hard and he automatically let her go. When we stepped inside the lift I glanced at them, standing in line as proper boys with goofy smiles on their faces. Jeanne snickered and waved her hand. The doors began to roll closed and they waved back. They just had let me a lift’s ride with her.

“Don’t you miss me, Jeanne?–––I said slowly after coming to pin her against the mirror. Because I do, and so much…” I propped myself on my forearms and put my face just a couple of inches away from hers. I really didn’t know what I was expecting. I just wanted to be close I suppose. Jeanne looked up, and leading three fingers to my forehead, she caressed me lightly, pushing my hair behind my ear. “May I call you?” I spoke. She shook her head ‘no.’ I instinctively glanced down. “May I text you sometime to check on you?” I glimpsed back up at her and then to the lights on the lift. The moment was getting nearer.

“You may, but I’ll be fine, and so are you…” She smiled lightly. How could she be so… Jeanne? There was something in her way to face things that made me deeply happy.

“I know I’ll get to see you again,” I said all cheeky. Jeanne gestured to speak. “Not goodbye…” I whispered hurriedly and kissed her with such eagerness she couldn’t refrain a moan. ‘Hold me, please…’ I begged in my mind as I tugged at her body. But she didn’t, and as soon as she pulled off once the lift dinged I knew she had been serious all the time. She was leaving.

Jeanne turned around and I couldn’t do other than just stand there watching her go. She nodded at the minders near the entrance and without turning back at me she crossed the glazed doors. I ran to the middle of the lobby, trying to catch a last glimpse of her, but I just missed her.

–.–.–

Notes

Every time they say goodbye I die a little... We seems to be going in circles, but we aren't. This is a spiral, and every turn leads us a bit closer to the end.

I'm estimating ten long chapters to the end. I'm working my best, practically writing all of them at the same time. So I'm sorry if I'm not posting as often as before. I hope you understand. I want to make it perfect, and I have a lot to answer. I've been working to create a cumulative effect, so you won't get to relax until the last line of this story. I know some of you won't be able to manage it.

Thank you for sharing you time with this story. It means the world to me. Your feedback is more needed than ever. I'd love to hear some new voices. Please? Love you all <3