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Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

'I have nothing more to do here'

I was leaving empty-handed. Not even a promise to see each other again… Nothing. I was dazed, sitting on the upholstered chair, staring at the bed where Jeanne was sleeping, my hands clasping my mouth, elbows buried on my knees, bags waiting for me beside the door.

I didn’t sleep a single minute. After the Opera we barely spoke. We undressed quietly and got to bed. I was grumpy, and I didn’t know what else to say. I told her I’m in love with her, but it was as if I hadn’t said a word. Not only she didn’t say it back, but to make matters worse she just overlooked the fact. Is this love? It feels like love. And God knows it surely hurts like love…

I wasn’t ready to leave, but I didn’t want to say goodbye. How would I look at her in the eye knowing it could be the last time? I had to stand up and just leave. She didn’t want me. I needed to be strong and get out of her flat. But I couldn’t. Somehow I was holding to some stupid kind of hope. Maybe she had changed her mind overnight. God, that was so wishful thinking… Of course she wouldn’t. It is Jeanne we are talking about. How can she be like this? How could she do what she did to me at the Opera and pretend for me to leave so blithely? Maybe because she can.

I was doing it. I was going to sneak out of her attic to avoid facing her. I just couldn’t face her. It would hurt too much. Without making any noise I stood up from the chair and walked towards the door. But I couldn’t prevent myself from glancing at her bed just one more time. Why things had to be like this? Why couldn’t Jeanne want me back? I thought she liked me, that she was mad about me… Maybe I should confront her and ask her for more explanations. Who cared about the fact that Pat must have been downstairs waiting for me already? But she hadn’t denied it. She told me she had feelings for me, that the issue was another. Did I truly have something to reproach her? She warned me… It was me who decided not to listen. I needed to be out of there.

“Are you leaving like this?” I heard Jeanne asking in a shaky voice as I turned the doorknob. I closed my eyes in frustration. Worst scenario ever.

“I thought you were sleeping…” I mumbled purposely not looking at her. With that light coming up by the window I knew she must have been glowing. But I was so weak I peeped at her with the corner of my eye. And of course she was, sitting in bed in that tight slip, her long hair wildly rolled to the side.

“Not anymore–––she said. Come…” She motioned her hand to me, the other one massaging her hair lazily. I shyly shook my head ‘no,’ glimpsing down, although all I wanted was to jump into bed with her. But I knew that if I did, I could never leave. I glanced back at her. Both of her hands had dropped to her lap and she was frowning with some sort of a wounded expression. My heart shattered, and I let the doorknob go. I just wanted to run to her so badly and beg for her to love me, but I couldn’t do that either. I was as glued to the floor.

Jeanne straightened up, emerging from the bed as if she was coming out of the water. How could she have that balance, that control over her body? Watching her was becoming so painful. The way her feet touched the floor… It made her seem as she was soaring. God, I was just so mad at her for giving me so many feelings, for breaking my heart like this. But all I wanted was her. I wrapped my arms around myself, almost shrinking in my spot. When she stood in front of me I sensed she had grabbed my hand and was pulling from it to bring me close. What was I supposed to do?

“Jeanne…” I murmured, trying to prevent myself from succumbing to her in that precise moment. I needed to stay strong.

“Mouth, don’t leave like this.” And when I was foolishly thinking my heart couldn’t break anymore her words moved me to my very bones. I stared into her eyes in silence. They seemed so green this morning. And there I was again, fighting the urge to hold her between my arms and kiss her as if there was no tomorrow. Why was she so irresistible to me? I glimpsed down to her lips. Was it because of those soft, pink, full lips? Was it because of the perfect shape of her chin I wanted to grab so badly? I looked a bit higher. Was it because of that cute nose where I desperately wanted to rub mine? Or those sculpted cheeks I was dying to caress? My mind had never worked so fast, capturing every one of her features in extreme close-up.

“I have nothing more to do here,” I let out in a husky tone, trying not to sound so hurt.

“Don’t say that…” She whispered, lifting her chin up to me, and led one hand to my forehead, brushing my hair aside. At her contact I shivered and flinched, instinctively backing off. Jeanne frowned, and pulled her hand back to her side. What was going on in her mind? Why was she so hermetic? God, she was so frustrating.

“It’s the truth–––I claimed. You dismissed me and this time I’m not going to insist,” I said resolutely. Somehow I wished my menace could make her react. “What I feel for you bothers you, so I’m taking it back,” I carried on without thinking too much. I just wanted to make her feel as bad as I was feeling. “I don’t love you–––I said fixed on her eyes. Is that what you want to hear?” She didn’t even blink. How could she be so collected? “I don’t love you–––I repeated, feeling my insides collapse. I just think you are hot and I just want to fuck you. It is desire, lust, yearning, not love…” I grew bolder. I was almost lost in my words, but even in that mad state I noticed our stare had turned impossibly intense. “What do I know about love? I’m just a boy. I do not love you.” I shook my head from side to side, bending over to the limit of her lips, inwardly hoping for a kiss that could stop everything.

“You are a boy,” she softly purred to my lips.

“A boy with a nine inches’ dick,” I said in a cheeky grin, somehow forgetting everything that was going on. Jeanne let out a high-pitched laugh, covering her mouth with her palm and bending back. My heart bounced in joy, and I couldn’t help but beam.

“Do you want me to give you a medal?” She ironised, smiling broadly. I felt her fingers gripping on my shirt. Why couldn’t we stay this way? I would have given everything just to stay this way.

“I prefer a kiss, but only if it’s not a goodbye kiss…”

“Not a goodbye kiss,” she repeated in a whisper, getting closer.

I wanted to make it soft but as soon as Jeanne’s lips brushed mine the bottomless hunger I have for her overtook me completely. I held her by the waist and lifted her, pushing her back against the door. It’s not normal how many times we kissed against that very door. Jeanne’s hands found my face while I kissed her almost desperately, sucking on her lips and tongue, wanting to engrave her taste in my mind forever to be able to recall the sensation of her kisses down to the last detail. But I know it would eventually fade away as it happened with my memory of her from that night in London. No, this time it won’t…

I can’t stop replaying everything in my mind, over and over, now that I’m sitting on this plane to London and we are about to land. How will I face the boys, especially Louis? We are supposed to be mad at each other. And they all are expecting Jeanne to be my girlfriend by now. How will I explain them she said no? I can’t do this. I can’t face them. Fuck. Maybe I should tell Liam by message so I could avoid the talk. I start to scroll down on my contact list. I freeze. Jeanne… Fuck. She hadn’t given me her number… I should erase it to avoid the temptation of calling her. No, I can’t. I don’t want her out of my life. If I do I’d be admitting this is over, and this isn’t over. I love her. This can’t be over. Maybe I should really learn to relax and do things as she told me. She’ll come around. As I told her, I will make it impossible for her to escape those feelings anymore.

Suddenly I notice my heart is aching, and there’s this emptiness creeping up on me… Is this going to be happening all the time or is it just because I’m looking at her contact and I know I can’t call her? What is she doing right now, alone at her attic? Is she still in bed? Is she thinking of me? Why is she doing this to me? Why doesn’t she love me back? God, I need to pull myself together. I can’t get off of this plane looking like such a mess.

As I step outside the realisation I am no longer in France suddenly hits me. And in an hour I won’t even be in England anymore. I wish I could get to see my mum. I pull my handbag to my shoulder and start to come down the stairs. I’m lucky I can disembark before the rest of the passengers. Nobody knows I’ve been in Paris and due to the circumstances it is better to keep it this way. I glance at Pat, walking behind me. He hadn’t asked me a single question about Jeanne, even if he noticed my changing mood. Grumpiness had been coming and going all day, as I’ve been quickly switching back and forth from hope to despair. He’s one loyal, discreet friend. We silently follow the airport employee escorting us and start to make our way to the spot where the jet is waiting. I just don’t need this right now, as I’m beginning to feel anxious as hell. I should be at ‘La biguine’ with Jeanne… This sting in my heart… I can’t get rid of it.

I shake the employee’s hand and catch a glimpse of the plane in front of me. I know the boys are waiting for me. They’ll tease me to death once they find out… I see Louis coming out and descending the stairs. Fuck, no. I can’t watch him. My heart is racing inside my chest, and I feel my knees going weaker at each step I take. I can’t face him. Why is this happening to me? Why did I listen to him in the first place? I wouldn’t be feeling like this if he hadn’t stuck his nose in my personal life…

I glimpse at him and notice he’s smiling broadly, moving his head and hands in a questioning attitude. I can’t help but glance down as I approach him, unable to prevent my lower lip from trembling. This is too difficult. I can’t do this… ‘Not a goodbye kiss’ is not a promise. I am as hopeless as last night. Last night… All of a sudden it all returns to my mind violently… the feel of the red velvet in the box seat, Jeanne’s skin, the Callipygean… My head is spinning around. I bite my lip trying to control it and I look back up at Louis, who’s staring at me in expectation. As we lock eyes I slowly shake my head no. Louis’s expression automatically transfigures, and his arms fall to his sides. I keep walking until I’m standing in front of him, and put my handbag down. His eyes are full of worry, and it’s not helping at all. Abruptly he pulls me into an embrace. Everything comes down on me and I feel I can no longer hold it. I rest my forehead on his shoulder, and circling him with my arms, I just begin to sob out of control.

–.–.–

Notes

Not a goodbye kiss...

Love sick Harry is going to have a crazy time from now on. Thank you, everybody, for sharing your time with this story. If you haven't yet, click on the tenth star, and become a friend. Your honest support makes me work harder. @no_one_you_know, I know it's a hard time for you but you are a friend of mine <3

Any story deserves hate

Comments

miss you a lot friend,
message me sometime if you have the chance ❤️

cococranberry cococranberry
3/13/19

You promised you would never make us wait for an update that long again... *cries*

JasperRenee JasperRenee
7/3/18

Hello,

I hope your life is everything that you want it to be. It seems like the past couple of months have really changed my perspective of the world, and how much you need to appreciate the little things in life. You never know when life will snatch them away from you.

I have really appreciated all that you have done for me. I miss your constantly developing plot, and your infinitesimal points of detail. In other words, I miss this story so much.

I feel like so much has happened since the last time you updated. I hope you know that I am always eagerly awaiting your next chapter. Even if it's 5 years from now, and I am a fully licensed Speech Language Pathologist, I will try my best to keep up my support. Maybe next year while I am studying abroad in Italy you will find the motivation to continue. Who knows what's going to happen. Maybe I should take the quote from the t-shirt I am currently wearing. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know you're gonna get."

Thanks,
Morgan

Oh no, and then the moment came there's no next chapter anymore! What do I have to do with my spare time now?!
On a serious note: I loved loved looooooved your story so far. I loved the way the sequel wasn't the same as 'Dreaming of you'. Another timeset, other places, other people getting involved, and the tension being build up from the beginning till now. Their 'relationship' didn't went back to the way things were in France 4 years ago, it needed time to get together again and in a different way (happy about their love right now, but after 111 chapters I know things can change...). I really loved the way you wrote about Mark Owen as being Jeanne's 'Boyband crush'. I've been such a big fan of Take That and Mark was my first true love when I was 11 or so. His picture was hanging above my bed, wich I kissed goodnight every night. (I guess I've just spilled my age, haven't I? ;-) )
When I read the last comments, I think your last update was from 2 months ago. I really hope you can find the time, the energy and the inspiration to finish this story, because I'm hooked! Give me a warning when you'll write a book, I will be in front of the bookstore, waiting!

Love, Leah



Dear You,

I've started reading this story two days ago. From the very first chapter I'm hooked and I can't stop reading. I don't want to go out, I don't want to sleep, I just want to read. Not to know how it will end actually, because I don't want it to end! So I try to find a balance between reading fast en making it last a little bit longer. I'm a fan of Harry from the day Sign of the times has released, so I have a lot of catching up to do. When you mention a song or a situation with One Direction, I look for it on Google or YouTube. So you're helping me to get to know the world of Harry and 1D, thank you for that! I've been to Paris a couple of times, It's such a beautiful city. I have good, romantic, memories of the times I've been there. You're writing about the city is so accurate and lively, it feels I'm there again by reading. My heart nearly broke for Harry and Jeanne when I read the last chapter of Dreaming of you. Happy to know there's a sequel, I going to start reading that now. I just wanted to write you this, because in the notes below the chapters you seem like a very nice, caring person. Thank you for writing such a beautiful story! (I hope my writing makes sence, English isn't my native language so I know I make a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry!)
Love, Leah