Setting Up 1D

Ethan Wate;

Romantic, enduring, mysterious.

He's everything a girl wants, he's everything I want!

He's so sweet and shy and I love him to death, but the problem is...

He's not real.

He's a made up character from a book, a character I fell in love with that will never be as amazing as men in real life.

Why can't I live in a life like that!

Why can't I live in a world full of fantasy, magic. Why can't we fly, or wave wands, or even make potions out of an old bucket like witches. Why can't we have that ability to read minds or even make an ice castle, like Elsa. So much that books and movies offer to the world that involve the impossible, yet nobody can accomplish that goal.

I want to live in a planet like that.

A planet where everything is simple and easy, no harm or hatred, just peace and quiet.

"Hey! What the fuck are you doing here you fucking freshman!" This is one reason why I don't live in a world like that.

"Get the fuck off my seat you fucking bitch!" Repeated the blonde senior wearing her cheer leading uniform, coming closer, scared at what might happen to me.

"I-I'm sorry-" I stuttered, quickly grabbing my things from the seat.

"This is not territory for dumb fucking, beanie wearing, glass having, eight pound juice swinging, coffee shop loitering, mother fucking garbage trash who has no fucking right to be here. Get the fuck out of here!" She yelled, quickly running away from that seat, from her!

She must have anger issues or something.

"That's right! You better give a fucking damn about me, I'm Brittany Mathews, co-captain of fucking cheer leading team bitch!" she yelled at me, trying to hide from her.

"Dude, you're screwed..." I heard someone behind me say, trying not to get noticed by anybody.

My existence isn't the best somebody could possibly have.

I read my book the rest of the bus ride home, looking out the window a couple of times every now and then whenever the sun hit my pale face, thinking.

I wonder what's it like to be liked by people, you know popular? Would I have a ratchet life like now, or a better one? Would people actually care about me, who knows only time will tell.

I got off the rowdy bus as people threw paper and other objects at me.

"See ya later you fucking retard!" I heard Brittany yell out the window, pointing the middle finger at me.

What a nice way to say goodbye, don't you think?

I walked on the messed up concrete kicking pebbles and stepping on leaves, looking at the houses around Lichfield Street.

They were all very unique, big and wide, small and narrow.

My house was like...right in the middle, it's perfect! Even though it's very messy, with a pink tricycle on the drive way and stuffed animals almost everywhere, it's still nice to live in.

Once I got home, I looked for the keys to the house, digging under the plants soil where we normally hide them.

"Hello?" I said, slightly opening the door, seeing my dad asleep with Violet on his chest. Her small, fragile body against dad's chest, drooling on his shirt while his messy, curly hair covered his face.

So cute!

I went up stairs to check if Darcy was awake, slowly opening her door to see her playing tea party.

"So Mr. Rabbit, would you like two cubes or 3 cubes of sugar?" she asked her stuffed bunny who was wearing his fancy suit and tie.

"3 Ms. Styles, and don't forget to put some milk in it." I answered sounding like a posh, elegant women like the ones they show on Downtown Abbey. She gave the rabbit an odd look, amazed that it would even respond to her, until her eyes looked around the room for me.

"Mickey!!" she said happily, her brown eyes sparkling at the sight of me. Her tiny arms wrapping around my waist as she nuzzled her face into my chest.

"I missed you Mickey!" she mumbled, her grip around my waist getting tighter.

"I missed you too Darcy, so how was Kinder?" I asked kneeling to her size level.

"It was fun! Daddy and Violet stayed with me the whole day! Mrs. Grimy taught us to say the alphabet and I made friends today too!" she said happily, her smile growing widely.

"That's awesome! So what happened once you got home from school?"

"Daddy made me Cheese Sticks and Popcorn Chicken, and then he went to feed Violet, and Daddy and Violet took a nap after that." Darcy said, taking a sip from her cup.

"Alright, so do you want to wake up Daddy with me?" I asked her curiously, her eyes widening as she nodded her head at me mischievously.

We both slowly went down the stairs, trying not to make a sound, walking over towards the couch where Dad was sleeping. I slowly lifted up the baby from his chest, trying not to wake her up as Darcy prepared herself to awake Dad.

"Ready?" I whispered softly, putting the kazoo against my lips as she nodded her head.

"1, 2, 3!" I yelled as Darcy and I blew the kazoo's against Dad's ears, making him restless as he tried to swat us.

"What's going on here?" he said drowsily, seeming a bit upset with us.

"Hi Daddy!" yelled Darcy happily, getting on top of his chest bouncing up and down repeatedly.

"Darcy, why did you have to wake me up?" he wined, removing his hair out of his face as Violet began to cry.

Please don't cry Vi, please don't!

"Come here sweetie," said Dad tiredly, taking hold of the crying baby.

"Thanks for waking her up." He said, hushing her so that he wouldn't have to deal with her crying anymore. I thought she wouldn't cry but things don't always go as they're planned.

"Momma, momma..." huffed Violet, continuing to cry her eyes out.

"I know sweetie, momma's going to come home soon, alright?" he said, kissing her little head as he hushed her, rocking her back and forth repeatedly.

Must be hard taking care of three girls while his wife is at work.

"Hey Mack," said Dad, barely noticing my presence.

"Hi," I said, siting beside him as I tried to play with Violet, her chubby arms dangling of Dad's back.

"So how did school go today?"

Very badly, people hated me for no apparent reason and now I'm at some girls kill list. Did I mention that I skipped gym and an elective?

"Fine," I answered back plainly, not wanting him to get worried because of me.

"Good, can you go get a Gerber from one of the cabinets Mack?" he asked, his eyes all red and tired as bags hung under his eyes from all the stress he's been through.

"You know I can feed her for you if you'd like?" I proposed, grabbing Violet's food and a spoon from the kitchen.

"No I can handle it sweetheart, go make yourself some lunch there's chicken and salad in the fridge." he offered as he put a bib on the baby.

"I think I'm okay Dad, I'll just go to my room." I said going upstairs to my little, humble room full of books.

It's no surprise that my room is filled with novels and poetry, but sometimes I kind of regret having these things. Maybe being a bookworm is why I don't fit in with the rest of the people?

My parents are extremely proud of me, especially my dad, for having such an imaginative writing, a creative prospect towards life itself, but sometimes I actually think that all the writing, the reading I do is worthless!

It's shit for all I know.

I want to fit in so badly, but I just can't! I'm different than others, I'm a target for most people to bully on because of my shy attitude, my delicate figure, and the fact that I have no friends to stand up for me. That geeky girl Sonny seemed like the only friend that understood what was I going through, she wanted to fit in too.

But she actually has better chances of fitting in more than me. She's willing to give up everything just to be accepted, while I'm just reading my way through books trying to figure out why I'm being treated like this or how I could become like them. So far, I've read three books about it and all the information it gave me was that I was way better off without them.

Yeah right!

My entire reputation would be changed forever if I actually fitted in. I would finally be treated with respect, with dignity, but I'm just not there yet.

I can't stand the hatred, or the rude comments, or the drama, so why do I even have a reason to live? Even when I'm finally liked by people out of my status quot, the feeling of being a useless piece of shit will never disappear. All those memories of being ridiculed, all those nights of crying myself to sleep, all those times I've wanted to suicide myself, they're all here stay.

They're all on my wrist.

Having these marks all over my wrist calms me down so much, it's like a pain reliever.

It can get intense sometimes, but cutting my wrist daily or weekly takes me to a whole new world where I could feel...

free.

I could've already killed myself by now but if I did, my parents would be so broken down, I can't do that to them. I can't let them know what I felt for the past four years I've been suffering with.

So this is why I do this, this is why I self-harm. To sense all the pain I deserve, to experience the blade cut through my freshly, pale, harmless skin, to feel like I normally should be feeling, pathetic.

It felt like I was inside my room for hours making small marks on my arm inside the bathroom weeping and morning, wanting to already get this day over with.

That was when I heard footsteps coming towards my room.

I quickly wrapped a bandage around both my wrists, not wanting to let this stain my shirt as I wiped all my tears quickly running towards my desk acting like I was somewhat busy?

"Mack?" I heard a feminine voice say, opening the door to reveal a women leaning against the wall.

"Hi Mum,"

"Hey cutie, just came to see if you wanted something for desert?" she asked while playing with the baby that was on her hip.

"No I'm fine, I'm already full." Lies.

"Okay, can I leave Violet with you for a while, she won't be much of hassle?" Mum offered as I nodded my head at her, taking the baby from her arms.

"Thank you, I'll get her right now just kind of busy." she said wearily her American accent sounding sincere as she left the room. It must be one of those nights where my parents decide to have fun! Better to keep the door closed so that we wouldn't here any moaning coming from their room.

"So Vi, what's up?" I asked her curiously, her green eyes exploring around my room.

"You like what you see?" I asked her again as her chubby hands tried to touch my cheeks.

"You are one cute, chubby, mischievous little baby." I said tickling her little belly as she laughed, her little dimples showing off.

"Harry you know that Darcy can't be dressing up for school!" I heard Mum yell from downstairs.

"But it was only for today and I just let her wear her tutu and crown that's all!" Dad said innocently.

"But Harry if you keep letting her wear that then she's going to wear it all the time."

"No she won't, I told her this morning that she can wear it only for today. Mariana you have to calm down about this..." responded Dad as Violet began to get restless in my arms.

"Dada! Dada!" Violet yelled enthusiastically, wanting to get out of my arms and crawl.

"Violet, shut up." I muttered, putting my hand over her mouth as she licked my palm.

"Gross!" I yelled disgustedly, wiping her saliva on her clothes.

She won't notice.

"Mack?" I heard Dad say, wanting to go back inside my room and act like nothing ever happened.

"Dada! Dada!" Violet yelled, ruining my plan.

"Hey Dad..." I responded, walking downstairs with the fridgeting munchkin in my arms.

"Vi wanted you," I said, handing the baby over to him.

"Meep! Meep!" she yelled tiredly, yawning.

"You want sleep Vi?" said Dad, yawning as well.

It's contagious.

"Meep. meep." she began to cry, nuzzling her head against his shoulder.

"Okay sweetie, let's put you to sleep." he said exhausted.

"I could put her to sleep if you'd like?" I proposed to him.

"No, I can do it, go get some sleep darling." he said, giving me a small goodnight kiss on the head.

I really hope I could to something for him, he's always exhausted and tired and he really does need sleep.

I went to lie down on my comfy bed wanting to forget about today and hoping tomorrow is a better. I laid my head against my pillow as I heard a soothing voice in the other room, singing.

"Written on these walls are the colors that I can't change, leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days..." sang the soothing, rusty voice making me feel a bit drowsy.

"The story of my life I give her hope, I spend her love until she's broke inside, The story of my life..." the same voice sang, slowly drifting me to sleep in peace.

Haven't had a peaceful sleep in such a long time...

Notes