Alter ➳ h.s

f o u r t e e n
we forgive him
ember

“I love you, Ben Waterson,” I told him. He was at the airport while I stayed at home. Going to the airport was a solid enough reminder for me that it was real, that he actually was leaving again. The first time, it pissed me off. But this time, it hurt more than I thought. California helped me more than hurt, I’d learned more things about a lot of people. That Harry seems to want everything he can’t have, that Ben will do whatever it takes to keep what he does have, and that Josie and Liam need more time to themselves.

“And I love you, Ember Knight. Get some rest, my flight leaves in a little. I’ll call you when I get in, I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” I hung up first. I remember falling asleep with a pain in my stomach and my head hurting, but the sleep didn’t help. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to Jason’s room. He was sleeping and papers were spread across his already stained carpet. It was dark and the moon looked far away.

My hand was cold when I shook him awake. “W-What? Ember?”

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” My question wasn’t hesitated and he didn’t laugh at me. Instead, he moved over a little and allowed me to slip next to him. I fell asleep then, and woke up again. This time, my chest felt like it was on fire and my heart, my heart felt like it would stop. I was cold, so cold but sweating and Jase noticed this, holding me close and rubbing the blanket up and down my arms. “Can you get me some water?”

“There’s some room temperature water in the garage. I’ll be back.” It didn’t take him long to run up and down both flights of stairs to get room temperature water and two nighttime pills. “Here, take these.” Finally, for the last time of the night, I went to sleep. Chest pains and all, I just went back to sleep. But in the back of my mind, I felt like I wouldn’t wake up.

The morning was better than the night. Although, disgusting yellow mucus came whenever I had a deep and dark coughing episode. Not to mention the shortness of breath. My body fucked me over and instantly thought walking down the stairs was the equivalent to running a marathon. I’d stop and stand at the bottom of the stairs, then just sit down on the last step. “Honey, take yourself to the doctor,” my mother advised. And so, I did.

“Bronchitis,” I explained to Ben over the phone. “Fucking bronchitis.”

He laughed, “You’ll be okay. I’ll send you a little something to help you feel better.”

“If it’s not either a big teddy bear or whiskey, I don’t want it.”

“Hm, I’ll have to put whiskey on my list, then.” He cleared his throat and sighed, “It’s really lonely. Some stripper came up to me last night, when I got off the plane, and said, and I quote, ‘I can make sure that flight back will have you wanting more.’ Like what does that even mean?”

I smiled, “Maybe… hold on,” my phone beeped indicating someone on the other line. “Hello?”

“Hi, Ember. It’s Liam, I got your phone number from Josie. Anyway, we have a bit of a problem and we might need you back here… in California.”

“Liam, I’d love to but I’m really sick. I have bronchitis. Plus, there’s nothing going on that can’t be fixed by itself, right?”

“Louis and Harry got into a fight. It’s not pretty. We have a small show in two days and he’s still not back, Harry, that is.”

“Even if I was doing well, Liam, I can’t. Ben and I are good right now and plus, I can’t get there and find him before your show. I just can’t. I’ll call him, though. Trust me, I’ll call him. How long has he been gone?”

“About seven hours.”

“I’ll call him,” I promised. He hung up first saying that I better get him back there in time. I began searching through my phone for Harry’s name but the doorbell rang. “Is anyone home?” I yelled, knowing no one truly was. My sigh was loud and having to stand was nearly unbearable. A cough erupted from my dark-feeling lungs and the stairs didn’t help with the shortness of breath factor. “One second,” I announced and took a seat on the stairs. My legs allowed me to get back up and open the door to, “Harry?”

“H-Hi. Can I come in?” I opened my arm to gesture for him to come, then I coughed. “Are you sick?”

“Bronchitis. How long is a flight from L.A. to here?”

“Four hours. I just needed that time to myself, mostly. And I needed to see you. As a friend, of course.”

I smiled. “Yeah. Liam’s worried. Actually, everyone’s worried. You need to get back to California, Harry.”

He smiled sadly after I coughed again, “And I will. I just needed someone different for a moment. Can I stay? Just for the night.”

“You know I don’t live alone.”

“Yeah, I know. And that’s what scares me.”

➳ ➳

“So, Harry, what else do you do? Besides singing, that is.” My mother asked while we all sat at the dinner table. She served spaghetti tonight with garlic bread and Dad had a stern look on his face.

“I, uh, well. I don’t really do much, I try and spend time with my family. They’re very important to me.”

“Hm. Is Ember important to you?” My dad asked and I instantly wanted to crawl in a hole and die. “She means a lot to me, and her mother, brother, friends, boyfriend.”

I filled my cheeks up with air and slowly blew it out while forking some more long strings of spaghetti. Harry said, “Ember is a very special person. I wouldn’t say she’s not important to me, but she’s important in a different way than you think.”

“You see, Harry. You seem like a nice guy, and I liked you when I first met you, even when you were all flushed with depression and looking like a side effect of too many drugs.”

“Dad!” Even Jase took part in the scolding, “Calm down.”

“But,” he continued, “Ember has a lot on her plate right now and she doesn’t need a drugged up singer to interfere.”

“Dad, that’s enough. Harry.” I looked at him. “Are you okay?”

He cleared his throat and looked straight into my father’s eyes, “I’m not ‘drugged up’. I’m ‘mentally ill’ and I’m sorry that it seems that Ember is the only person who understands that is not (a) mentally ill or (b) suffering like I am. Thank you Mrs. Knight, this was a lovely dinner. It was nice meeting you and Jason,” Jase nodded his head towards Harry. “I think it’s time for me to go.”

“Harry.” He wasn’t listening to me and I didn’t blame him, instead he grabbed his coat, wallet, and phone and walked out of the front door. “Nice job, Dad.”

“Ember, you have a boyfriend!”

“Who says I like Harry that way? I’m tired of having the same old people to be around! You, Julia, Josie, Ben, Jase, Mom. I love you all but you’re all pissing me off and suffocating me. Maybe I just need another friend that feels just as suffocated as I do. Is that too much to ask? And no!” I looked at him, “I don’t want fucking therapy. Can you, for once, just not interfere with my life? If Ben wants to continuously impress you, he can, and I love him for it, but Harry is my friend and this is my life. There’s nothing you can do about that. Goodnight.”

I grabbed my coat and ran—in heels—to find Harry. Even in the dark, the paparazzi was searching for him. I couldn’t find him, nor could I think of a place he could go. So I went home and sat on the porch. He wouldn’t answer his phone. I knew because I knew Harry. At least, I knew enough about Harry to know that he doesn’t answer his phone when he’s upset. I coughed loudly and the paparazzi eventually found their way over to me. Asking if I was cheating on Harry or if I was cheating on whoever (Ben) they saw in the airport. Just then, I thought of the one place Harry would be. The photography building.

➳ ➳

Harry had since taken off his shirt and was left shirtless with jeans on. I hadn’t said anything but he knew that I was there. “You’re not a side effect, Harry.”

He continued to hang photos before turning around to face me. His eyes were dark and cold. His medication was nowhere to be found and I feared more for his safety than mine. “Yes, I am. We are all side effects, Ember. I’m a side effect of the crazy part of the world and you’re a side effect of the confused. You don’t know where you want to be, or who you want to be with. That’s the problem with you, Ember.”

“This isn’t about me.”

“We’ve had this conversation. It’s always about you, of course it’s about you.”

“Harry. You’re cold. Your figurate heart is as cold as your literal one is warm. You don’t love. I know that you don’t like to talk about it, but I’m sorry that Ellie left you like she did. I shouldn’t have said what I said before and my dad shouldn’t have said what he did, but Harry, my… friend. You have to understand that if we’re all going to be side effects, we’re a side effect of fuck-ups. All of us, no matter what. And if that scares you, I’d advise you to ignore it. Obviously that’s what everyone else does.”

He turned his back again and whispered an, “Okay.”

Notes

Short chapter, sorry. BUT I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF, I'M SUPER AHEAD. I actually just finished chapter sixteen so woooo. I'm gonna be trying to update a lot. I'm going to Minnesota for a few weeks (for international readers, that's a state here in America) so the change in scenery—because my aunt's house is gorgeous along with the view—should help with the writing part.

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I luv yewr cute faces & I'll update in a little bit, jazz x