Show Me Where it Hurts

I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself after meeting with Dot, the ambassador for the womens charity. I had told her my story, how I had felt, how Harry had felt, how I dealt with taking care of the kids, and how we had come thousands of miles away to get away from it all. Surprisingly, it helped to talk about it.

Harry wasn’t happy about me having to even go across the city for the meeting, let alone have it anyway. It annoyed me for a minute when I walked out of the building to him standing sternly against the rental car, obviously waiting for me.

“I told you I’d take a cab home.” I said, waiting to hear his excuse.
“I was in the area. It was no hassle.” He said, not moving his sunglasses to kiss me, presumably because the look in his eyes would give him away.
“You have to start letting me go a little.” I looked over at him, as he backed out of the driving lot and made his way onto the main street. He was chewing his lip in thought but he didn’t speak again for a few minutes.
“It’s hard to let you go.” I watched how desperate his movements were, manically checking his mirrors as if it were a welcome distraction rather than a road necessity.
“Harry, I was in West Hollywood. You were an hour away in Malibu."
“I know, alright? I was just sitting at home today and I had it going over and over in my head and the only way I would feel better was by picking you up. So I did, okay, and I’m sorry."

I didn’t open my mouth again, I could tell that he’d come all this way to pick me up because he was worried about me and that should have been enough for me to chill my attitude towards him.

“I have some exciting news.” Harry said, as if he were about to let off a time bomb. “Well, obviously, I want to run it past you first."

I waited.

“I took Noah and Ivy for a ride this morning down to John Legend’s house.”
“John Legend?” I laughed, finding it hilarious that it was so casually said. He stared at me.
“He wants us to write another song together.” He smiled, hoping that my expression would match his. “He’s going on holiday for a week, so, he can’t start yet, but..”
“Harry..” I said, in a warning tone, sensing he had something he needed to break to me.
“I suggested that I could stay an extra few days in L.A.” He looked out of the window, knowing not to look anywhere but me.
“What? You know we need to go back on the fourth.” I looked at him as if he was insane. “It’s my mum’s 60th!”
“You have to go back, Annie, I don’t.. your mum won’t mind me not being there.”
“Unbelievable.” I jumped out of my seat and slammed the door of the rental range rover behind me, still not used to sitting on the other side of the car. I paced it the few yards up Cal’s driveway, thumped on the door, and stormed in past him and his wife. Harry was seconds behind, trying to catch up.
“Hey, guys.. everything alr-“ Cal was interrupted by the sound of Harry and I arguing, again.
“Five fucking minutes after the band finished and we’re already back to that.” I spat, seething with rage. “You wouldn’t even let me go across the city on my own today! But you’ll let me go all the way back to London and sit in the house alone, won’t you?”
“It’s not like that, Annie, I knew your family would all be in London next week. That’s why I don’t feel so bad about it!”
“You are unreal!” I stopped shouting long enough for Cal and his wife to gather Ivy and Noah into our room, usually I’d stop my arguing completely but Harry had sent me into a full on fit of rage. I paced even further back onto the house, to the beach deck. I clawed and palmed at my face.
“Why do you hate it when I do anything I love? I support you in everything you do.” Harry said, waving his arms around before resting them on his hips and biting down on his lip. “Even your quest to become some ambassador for this charity.”
“Why do I hate it? Why do I hate what you do?” I shook my head and let out a sarcastic laugh. “Maybe because it involves you flying across the world and leaving me and your children. Maybe because you don’t trust yourself when you’re on tour with all of the girls that pour themselves into your lap. And what, I can’t try and help people who’ve had what happened to me happened to them? Is that as bad as what you do?”
“Oh my God, that’s just it! You’re doing this charity thing. You just keep bringing up what happened. We aren’t getting over it because you keep doing anything you can to keep it alive. Attention seeking.” He mumbled the last two words under his breath, as if they had fallen out. My head snapped up and my eyes widened.
“Attention seeking? I’m fucking attention seeking? Oh it’s my fault that everybody watched some fucking psycho abuse me on their computer screens. Yeah, Harry, I did it all for PR. Attention seeking. About as attention seeking as you grinding all over Kendall Jenner for PR.”
“Grinding- what is wrong with you? Bringing up more shit from the past? I came here to try and get over this and save our family and it was all going great until you went to do this whole patron saint act with some woman you hardly know.”

“Oh, you mean until I actually stepped out of your sight for five minutes. You’re a control freak! I see you do it to everybody. When do you ever let Ivy off the leash you have her on?” I pushed the heels of my hand into his chest and felt like pushing them into his eyes instead. “You control who babysits her. Who can pick her up. Who can talk to her. But you’ll parade her to all of your fans, won’t you? And I’m the attention seeker?”

“Are you serious? You’re actually using my daughter as an excuse to- Jesus fucking Christ, of course I control her, she’s four years old!” He pushed me back and it startled me. We both stopped, then, realising it was going too far. I blinked a few times before looking back out at the water and bringing my elbow to rest on the iron bar in front of me, covering my lips with my fingertips, ready for the tears that were about to come.

“Do you even want to try?” I said.
“Try what, Annie?” Harry stood away from me now, pacing backwards and forwards.
“Fixing this.” I twisted my face with pain as the words left my mouth. Harry sighed and rubbed his palm over his eyes.
“I’ve been trying. I thought all of this was us trying, coming to L.A. Eating healthily. Walking around everyday.” He rested on the iron bar. “We’re so different.”
“You want to break up?” I clarified.
“No I don’t want to break up.” He said, dismissing the notion as if it were ridiculous. I let out the breath I was holding. “I just don’t know what I can do for you. I want to sing, Annie, I like doing it. You make it into such a bigger thing about touring and girls and spending time away from you and it’s not that. Think about it, Annie. I asked you for three days to spend in L.A. songwriting. Not touring, not partying.”
“Don’t make me sound ridiculous, you can’t blame me for being afraid.”
“I don’t blame you, but it’s silly. I’ve already seen Kendall this trip. It was completely fine. We barely even exchanged glances. You worry too much.” He said, trying to edge closer. I snapped.
“You’ve seen Kendall.” I repeated. “Why?”
“Her family were in Craig’s that night we were. See? You didn’t even notice.” He said, simply.

I stared at him.

“And you didn’t speak to her.”
“She walked right by me to the toilets.” He said. “Not a word."

I nodded sadly, wondering if when she brushed against him he thought of when his lips were attached to hers and the curves of her body and how smooth her skin was.

“Look at you, you’re doing it again. You love to torture yourself.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why you can’t just be happy with us. With this.” He motioned to all that was around us but that was just it, none of this was ours. When we’d go back to London, we’d be back in the same, concrete home, with the same psychopathic boyfriend locked behind bars and the same poisonous tabloids that loved to document our downfall.

Notes

sorry it’s late! I haven’t even started an essay due in for three days time.. ergh :(

SO who’s in the right? Who’s in the wrong? Should he stay? Should she be mad?!!!