LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry POV


I fucked it up. I fucked it. Whatever it was I fucked it up. I fucked it up bad.


I've sat in my room after when Louis stormed into Gemma's room and I had to attend the guests. They were here to discuss about marriage plans and all that and I had give excuses for Louis telling them he's tired because he had to work all day yesterday. It's lies. All lies. Whatever comes out of my mouth is lies now.


Even when I don't want to hide something from someone i feel like I am. It's a habit now. When I talk normally it feels like I'm exposing myself and I shouldn't tell them everything. It's ruined. My mind's ruined..i cant think straight anymore.


They anyway would've figured out what was wrong and they didn't speak up about it and I'm glad.


I sat in my room and maybe I lay down later crying, maybe even sobbing my eyes out thinking, over thinking stuff. It's what I do best and that's what i have done best.


I don't know about Louis. If he's fine or not. I haven't got up from my place to go and check on him. I don't even know if he's still in the house. Maybe he left because its two in the evening already and he has his classes where he plays the piano. God knows if he's gone or not.


He's right I think. He's right in everything he said yesterday. I should grow up. I should let things go. I should know what comes with relationships and stuff.


I need a thing right now to support and that's a person but when a person supports you they also need to be supported back in return. I should've known it's two way, non selfish and giving out process and not a selfish, keeping in stuff process.


I've always been wrong in things I think I'm right on. This is hell stupid. I fucked up so bad I don't even know if he'll come back from where he's gone.


I don't know anything and it makes me wanna scratch my eyes out and rip my hair off. Maybe I should do it. It would actually make me feel better than anything else. Not even alcohol can help me. But I don't know, maybe i should try alcohol. It's been days since I have and I should try it. What is the bar doing alone upstairs anyways.



Ah! Alcohol. It's always made me feel better. I'm floating now. Four bottles down and I'm fit as a fiddle. I'm so happy. I don't know why I care for people when all they do is hurt me.



Yeah me. They hurt me. I know I'm not the selfish kind but yeah for a minute I want to be because it's good. Because everybody one way or the other is selfish. Think about Donald Trump or think about Obama. If there's a bomb falling on the white house wouldn't Obama go and hide himself in the secret location underneath the white house or would he just stand outside of the white house and wait for he bomb to drop on him. Of course he's going to save himself. And Donald Trump, we know what he would do.

I'm drunk and that's all that matters.

Fuck this society everybody's selfish. Every fucking body and all they do is judge me. Only me.


Anyways I love the way I'm floating and I don't even care.


Louis' POV
This is like fucking ridiculous. I come back home and it's silent. My life is dull right now I don't even remember when it really was bright or something even closer to it.


I don't even want to be mad at him but he's making me mad. I know he doesn't deserve all of this ignorance but I don't know what else to do. I couldn't even concentrate on my class today. I'm just thankful they didn't chuck me out. But those little girls dancing on their toes it's a little distraction though from all shit headache.


I feel sick when I walk into our room but I don't want to. I don't want to ruin what was between us. Even if we weren't close how people in relationships are, I don't want this to finish. I don't even know how relationships are. But whatever it is I want something special. And maybe we are special but I guess I want it to remain. I want us to be as comfortable around each other as we can be. And that's all I ask. That's all. There doesn't have to be any restrictions or secrets that might play a very important role. It's shit when it's said out loud in words but I just want something that feels good forever.


The house is silent enough for me to hear my footsteps. It's silent enough for me to even hear my breaths if I tried enough. But where did he go?



There's always going to be this constant fear inside me about Harry. About the scary things he does and about all the scary things he's already done. I don't even know his history and from whatever I know he can't be left alone when he's upset or sad. He can't be left alone at all. That's what scares me and right now slowly that fear is taking over me. I've already seen the horror once and I don't think i have anything left in me to see it again. Never.


When I walk up to the silent bathroom and open the door it's all fine in their and somehow I'm relieved but then I hear footsteps and I don't know what made me call him instantly,"Harry?" I shout, a little stretched. All I get back in answer are giggles. Is there an intruder?


"Harry?" I call out again and walk out into hallway to the stairs from where the sound came from. I'm relieved to see Harry sitting at the bottom of the stairs his head resting sideways on the wall. I walk and sit beside him.


"You're late today." He slurrs coughing a little.


"You're slurring, you're drunk"


"Nice mathematics. You're slurring equals you're drunk" he chuckles repeating my words loudly trying to sit straight but leans on the wall anyway.


"I understand that you maybe upset but you didn't have to drink so much. This isn't fair. What do I get to do when I'm upset?"


"Thats... That's not my problem, you see?" He turns to look at me his eyes shinning and droopy. "You lied to me about your allergy. Of course you can drin-k" he hiccups at the last word muttering a sorry at the end.


"I know. But at that point in time I didn't know if you'd be comfortable knowing I was an alcoholic once and now my body doesn't accept anymore." It's so easy to talk to such a drunk Harry. He's always the sad and funny drunk who would giggle at anything and cry at everything.


"Yo-u... you were an alcoholic once? At such a tender age?" he hiccups," Wow that's something. Where did you really store all that?" He chuckles loudly, his hands patt my thigh lightly, "all in that tiny stomach of yours." He laughs, "seriously?" He continues like that for a minute. Laughing and giggling and I know he's going to cry any minute maybe only a second would take him to sob and break down. He always does that. He's always been like that.


"Yeah. I've come out of it now anyway." I shrug. "It actually took a long time and then.." i pause looking at him, "I've had my difficult times Harry" I don't know but he should be knowing this.


"I told you so" he gets up, "I told you befo-re" he stumbles but manages, "everyone has their share of pain" he's walking wobbly and i watch his wobbly ass and weird feet walk away from me. His voice gets louder, "No matter who, every-one gets their share of pain. You didn't get me back the-n" he's so drunk he doesn't even know.


I'm sure he told me that. I remember correctly how sad he was when he told me that. Whenever he's sad his philosophy just keeps bursting out and he doesn't even have to try anything. It's just who he is.


He stumbles down almost falling but he laughs sitting down his back against the wall and his legs spread out in front. He's laughing like some idiot. "Louis!" He calls out, "help me!" He laughs lightly. As much as I want to observe him from standing back here I also want to go help him to the room because of the way he's calling desperately for me.


I walk up to him and he smiles looking at me, "it's bad to stand and watch someone fall down so hard" he speaks as I help him up. He's so huge I can't even.


"You were laughing at yourself"



"So? You should've helped me. I didn't want to look stupid in front of y-ou. I had to cover my embarr-assment" he giggles again shyly this time. He's getting all giddy and I don't know for what.



I make him enter in. His hair is all over his face and even if I love the lemongrass fragrance in his hair the way he's leaning on me I'd be blind if he bent a little more.


I turn away to walk out, he'll help himself I guess.


"Where are you going? Help me" He frowns sitting down at the edge of the bed.


"To blow a cigarette" I joke. I won't do that. I cant do that.


"You don't blow cigarettes. You just simply smoke" he smiles his dimples showing, "I corrected your grammar Louis I deserve something"



"I don't care" I walk away again


"Blow me!" He shouts and then immediately looks at his hands.


"What the fuck?"


"Yeah" he nods looking up. "Blow me Louis. I can't even imagine what that filthy mouth can do"


"You need your sleep now." I walk towards him. I'll put him to bed and I'll leave.


"I'm n..I'm not a virgin anyway" I know he's drunk but he should actually keep these conversations when he's not out of his mind.


"Well, you let me believe that you were" I scoff making him lie down on his side.


"People believe in things themselves, no one makes them believe. Anyway I've given blowjob's and everything. I can help you out. I've been fucked. Plenty. But it was ugly" he gags. What the fuck? Why does he have to tell me this? That too now? Like now out of all times? He's had too much, I'm more than just sure about that. Nothing can fuck me up more than this piece of information, right now.


"Woah that's a lot of information to start with. But you can't deny the fact that sex is beauty. It can't be ugly." I answer him. His eyes are weary again and he's half into relaxing now. He doesn't know what is actually happening with him. The blinking of his eyes is slow and long. He yawns loudly, his hand pulling his shirt up to his chest.


"My stomach.. " he whines, patting it lightly, "It can be.. ugly. It can be when you don't have consent. It can be." He's slower, he's passing out, "And it... still will be ugly until somebody shows me what you said.." I don't even know what these sentences he's said taking a whole minute actually mean to him but whatever sense I can make out of it I'm terrified to know. I'm not sure what he meant really but I don't even want to think what my head wants me to believe and maybe I should actually leave it here and wait till this sleepy drunk is in his senses to talk. But my curiosity is making me think otherwise and I can't help but think over and over.



What if he regrets what he just said? What if he doesn't remember? What if it's just something troubling him? What if this is what has been troubling him? I don't fucking know but my head is bursting with questions which need to be answers like right now. And maybe if I didn't get them now I'd die here because all of this, now? Now?


I don't know why he said this today when two days before he was asking me to leave. When two days before he wanted me gone. When two days before he wanted to break up with me. He wanted to stay away, away from me.


He keeps on mumbling. And finally snores away to sleep.


I walk around the bed to my side and lie down pulling the covers. I don't even want to lie down facing him.


Why does this have to be so complicated? Why did this have to be this way? Why do I have to take care of people and not get anything in return? Why am I the only one destined for nothing? Why do I give my all and not get back even a little?


I want to scream at Harry right now, wake him up and scream for answers. This is shit. He can't say things and leave them for me to make sense of it. Why am I supposed to do that?



I didn't ask for mystery's I asked for reasons and what I got is bullshit. This is not what I deserve.


I want to scratch my wrists knuckles deep and watch the blood flow out of me. I've never tried it but I think...I know it will help me! Fuck but I can't even do that. I can't do nothing about it. Just lie here and drown in my own tears. Fucking hell!


Harry talks in his sleep and right now his brain wants to talk but all he's doing is mumbling. He I guess turned to his other side, I don't know but he's doing something behind my back. I get it now. He's shifting in. His hand travels to my waist slipping in under my arm and hold me there, spooning. "I'm sorry" he mumbles into my ear squeezing in.


He doesn't even have a single idea after how many weeks we've felt each other. And those whispers make me feel some sort of way which is all tingly but the touch which I crave for after all the wrong Harry and I are, is this. Just lying down beside each other in silence and knowing each other by it.


This kind of thing is special and I think this is what I'm desperate for. But if he's going to be like all clingy without answering things I need then c'mon it won't matter another week of not kissing and touching and feeling. I won't mind.


I can't give my all for nothing in return.

Notes

"this cant be love if it hurts so much"


this lyric in itself is so sad.

how are all you guys?

i'm good and hope you like this chapter. more coming through!

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