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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 86

Harry's pov


I've been running a lot since last night. I don't know if this is anymore healthy or not becasue it doesn't feel so but if I stop, my mind will run away and wander off into places I don't want it to go to.


It's 7 in the morning and I don't want to stop even though I soon have to be ready for work.


"Fuck-" I trip myself on the treadmill and land on my ass. "Shi-t" I hurt my elbow. I better be off to a quick shower. This was God's way of telling me to stop.


I pick up the towel from the bench throwing it onto my shoulders wiping the sweat covering my face as I walk downstairs to my room.


I also feel dizzy. A little I suppose. Not much that it actually matters.
The cool chill breeze hits me, coming from the hallway. Somebody opened the balcony doors. Who could it be. Maybe gem or Louis? It couldn't be Louis he sleeps late. It's Gem then.


"Gemma?" I call out.


"Yeah?" She answers back but from the..kitchen? "Want some coffee?" She peeks out.
Oh. Louis is actually up early.


"No, thanks" i say and enter in the Hall. He actually is up early, my Lord, is he okay? I don't know what he did yesterday after I went to the my music room. I worked late and then I think I slept there and then I went to gym.


I should probably take a shower and then do something about it.


"Where's Louis?" I ask Gemma as I button my shirt and put my coat on and she hands me my coffee and sandwich. It's been long since he's been ignoring me if he's awake.


"He's been outside. Gonna be more than 2 hours now"
I take the coffee.


"He's troubled that's it" we sit down at the table.


"I know. I heard you guys yesterday. "


"What?" she did?


"I don't live very far away... like at Laura's, you know. I'm just a step away. You guys weren't really quiet anyways"


"I'm sorry about that"


"That's fine. But whatever I heard is..is it really like true?"


"What do you think?" I take a bite of the sandwich.


"Are you kidding me right now?"


"Never"


"How did he even know him? Like how? This so fucking disgusting! Is he out of his mind? Wasn't he supposed to be contributing to the society for charitable purposes?"


"He is doing that but not really like 100%. He fucking crashes at my office every chance he gets and I couldn't just stop myself yesterday" I'm almost like heavy breathing right now.


"Calm down Harry. Don't think about it"


"How can't i?" I almost storm at her. "How am I supposed to just.." shit I need to breath, "...Sorry.. But just look at Louis. He's asleep till 2 in the afternoon everyday and now he's sitting in the balcony at 6 god knows doing what. And you know how he behaved that night" she gives me a knowing look. I know she knows all this but she can't help and neither can I.


"Don't worry.." She caresses my arm. "He'll be fine. He'll get over it"


"It's not just about getting over" I think I hear some shuffling from the balcony.


"Tell me about it"she shrugs. She's been through a lot becasue of me these past years and there no one else who could understand the situation Louis is in right now.


"Good morning guys" he walks in covering himself with the blanket he took with him I guess. He's smiling.


He's wearing his smile like an apology.


He's smiling like its an apology. Like he wants me to forgive him. He's not looking at Gemma. He's looking at me with pleading apologetic eyes and I don't know what to do except just to vanish from my spot.
Fuck what did I do? I should've been there for him yesterday when I left him their on his own. I don't know if he slept or not or if he's stayed at the balcony the whole night but I sure as well know he's sorry for something I don't even know and he's upset and he's hurt.


He walks around the couch and sits in front of the fireplace, his blanket covering him and he holds it tightly around him.


"He's cold" Gemma whispers to me.


"You want tea?" I ask him already on my way to the kitchen to prepare it for him.


"No" he answers from behind. But he's cold and he needs to be warm. I know how much he feels cold and yet he'd want to sit in the balcony when its fucking freezing. I tell you if I only could be the one to make him feel warm.


I put the kettle on the burner.


I want to though. I want to be the one and go and hug him and make him warm and cuddle with him and make it all right. But I can't.


I pour the tea in Louis' cup and walk out to the hall but he's not there. Gemma is picking up our plates from the dining.


"Where's he?"


"He said he has to be somewhere so he is getting ready"


"Thanks"

I walk into our room and he's in the shower. Am I actually a wreck?
I sit on the bed and I'll wait for him to come out. I'm gonna talk to him. I anyway have a habit of losing everyone who tries to help me be me.


Louis walks out of the bathroom dressed, completely. He stops for a moment finding me in the room, ready. He smiles weakly before walking towards the door.


"Lou?"


"Yeah?" He turns around smiling again, weakly.


"Where are you off to?" I stand up walking towards him. I feel weak inside looking at him like that like he's the one whose wrong. I feel so wrong inside seeing him getting away with his pain alone. Fuck I feel so bad for him but I know if I tell him that I feel bad for him he'll definitely leave in the next moment.


"I told you.. Haz" he looks at me for a moment but then starts picking the skin at his fingers.


"The job thing?"
He nods silently still continuing his action.


"You--"


He looks up, stopping me, "I know you're sorry for me. Like you always have been. But believe me Harr- Haz, its time I started being responsible for things I do and be accountable for that"


I place my hands on his, and he flinches like he does, always, "well..." I bring them to my lips and he stares at me like he wanted to place the sun, the moon and the stars himself in the sky. "...I just wanted to wish you luck" I kiss his knuckles gently, he shudders again, a little, to my touch, " ...though I haven't been the one to bring you best of your lucks"


He says nothing and walks out.

*******


"Do you think he's selfish?" Dr. Sabrina asks me.


"No. He's too real to be that"


"How can you say?"


"He, Louis, he did something for me which I am not sure he should've done" he shouldn't have risked.


"How can you be the judge of that?"


"I can. He did it for me. He told me. we had an argument over it."


"Harry, I know what you're thinking right now. Probably that you don't deserve him and he shouldn't do these things for you. But think from his perspective. Now you're not alone and you should be happy about it. He wants to do things for you. That's a big step for someone emotionally"


"But I want to be alone because all what's going to happen in the end is he'll be the one hurt and I wouldn't be able to help him out of it. And no matter how much I'll hate that I'll have to let him go"


"Harry. It's not about the end we're talking right now. Look around. We're talking about now. What about what he did for you? I'm sure , as you say he's not selfish, he wouldn't be thinking about what happens in the future if he did what he did. He just did it for that moment"



"But--" this is so hard. "I know... I have to get him away from me. I know I hurt whoever meets me in my path. Whosoever."


"How can you possibly do that. You don't even know what's hurting you and you're being the judge of what hurts other people? No Harry. That's not how it works"


"Then.. Then what am I supposed to do?"


"You tell me he did something for you. Do something for him. I'm sure you love him enough to at least reward him with that"


"He isn't a peasant who needs a reward"


"Then who is he?


" He is all that I want l. He's made me feel what i haven't felt in about 6 years. i didn't even know i could still feel things. He's made me feel I can still live on this planet with my head high."



"Then what is it that you are afraid of?"



"That the people who wanted to steal all away from me would steal him away and I don't want to be alive to be wanting to see that. I don't... I can't see him getting hurt just because those bastards would do anything to hurt me. They'll kill if they have to. They're too evil Dr. Sabrina. And I've seen that"



"I'm aware, Harry you've seen that but what about what he deserves? What about what you deserve? What about that? Preserve those people who don't shut their ears when they hear your screams"



I want to cry my eyes out right now. Louis is suffering in this place all becasue of me.
"I just want him to be safe and get whatever he wants or deserves"


"You can give it to him and you should know that. That's why he turned up to you"


"I can't. How can I? He only ended at my apartment because he ran away from his home and I
had a room to rent and rented it to him. That's it"à


"Did you really rent it to him?" She cocks her eyebrow.


"I uh...No" How does she know? "How di--"


"I know more than a fine psychologist. I'm paid for taking out unsaid things from people's brains" she laughs.


"You are indeed"


"Look Harry. I'm a psychologist and I've studied enough to know coincidences don't happen as just mere coincidences. There's a meaning in everything that happens with us or around us"


"I got that now" I chuckle. My head only revolves around one thing right now. The squished face of Louis when he feels cold and he's already has a layer of clothing on himself and another layer of blankets helping him fight the cold. That face. "He's beautiful. You haven't seen him but you know he is" I can't stop smiling.


"I can tell by your face he literally is"


"I love him so much after all that he's done for me to make me feel more than okay."


"You don't need to convince me Harry. He's the one who smiles weakly every time you lay your eyes on him. Make him strong because you are the one who can. You won't be able to protect him if he can't protect himself. And as for you. You've worked fine with what the world had to offer you in the past 3-4 years. Now you have to forget all of it. Everything. Not for anybody's sake. But for you and for him. Nothing else matters if you both get lost in lands whose maps you don't have"


"Bu-t" I give her a knowing apologetic look.


"He doesn't know yet. My little secret. He doesn't know it"


"Harry?" She brings her hand forward to caress mine. "You can't then trust him to be honest with you and loyal with you if you aren't. I know its a lot to tell him and its hard for you right now. I also don't know how he will react to it but he has to know. Tell him."


"I know Dr. Sabrina. What if he leaves?"


"You trust him and you say he's the one then why hide anything? I won't be forcing you. It's your complete decision. I'm just warning you about what could be the consequences to this situation"


"But what if he just abandons me? I can't afford to lose him. Not when I've reached such a stage"


"You would have to respect his decision at that moment. You can't force him to stay if he doesn't want to. But I'm sure that time won't come. He wouldn't run away"


"I'm scared Dr." My hands shake at the thought of what could actually happen if he ever got to know.


"Of?"


"Myself"




Louis' pov

I shouldn't have done what I have and I don't know if he will ever listen to me. He will but that's not what I want. I know I hurt him in ways I cant really mend but what should have I done?


I'm lying on the bed after a tireless effort in finding a job which I couldn't but could just secure it at the bakers' where I used to work.


The door clicks and Harry enters in. He looks frustrated and tired enough to go to sleep if he hit the bed right now.


"Hey" he says shoving his bag near the dresser and walking to his cupboard to change. He is frustrated.


"Hi"


"How was your day? Your job search? " He asks coughing lightly and taking off his silk YSL.


"Just got it secured it at the bakery. I'm gonna continue the search though" I tell him.


"Good" The perfect toned back marked with a scar not so old near the waist. I've had scars but not deep enough like that one. It makes me wonder sometimes if it were only because of a punch or something else which was hard enough to tear his skin.
"You're staring" he turns around. When did he get so smug?


"Guilty" I get down from the bed


"You're not wearing much clothing? Is it warm today?" Oh I'm just wearing my t shirt.


"Not really. Hardworking makes you sweat and makes you forget the cold"


"Oh I see" he turns around to go take off his pants to change into sweats.
He walks to the dresser picks up a hair tie and takes his hair up in a bun. Quite messy. He's going to be bald soon if he continues this.


"You never oil your hair. Do you?"


"You've lived long enough with me to know that and anyway they're too greasy on their own." He takes off his watch and lays it on the night stand. Seating himself at the end of the bed.


"You're gonna sleep?" He pats my side of the bed.


"Harry?" I walk to him standing in front of him where he sits still with that frown.


"Are you okay?" He pulls me forward and makes me stand between his thighs crossing his feet behind my knees.


"I'm okay. I am best I can be. But I'm concerned" I rest my hand on his shoulders.


"About?" His hand travels to my waist pulling me closer.


"I'm sorry" my head hangs low.


"For exactly what?"


"For what I said. I know I blamed you for my actions and that's not right. I know I am an egoistic broke ass but you know i..." I look up.


"No. You're sorry for defending me against some rich ass twat who thought troubling you would be some sick joke" he brings his face closer. "But you don't have to be" he kisses my nose. Fuck that makes me giddy all of a sudden. "You don't have to be sorry for him"


I place my hands on his chest. He's warmer than I thought he would be right now. "I got you something. You wanna see?"


"Of course" his lips curve, his eyes a little brighter than before. He pecks me pulling my face closer. "Leave me though" I chuckle and he loosens his grip and I open the drawer of the night stand and take out the box.


"What is it?" he looks at me like he's recieving his favorite toy car he asked his dad for on his birthday.


I travel around, onto the bed. I kneel just behind him. "Here" I take out the thing and slide it onto his neck and he looks down holding the jewellery bought for him. "This is a friendship locket and you dare say No"


"Lou!" He turns around. Looking like a deer in front of headlights beaming at him. He looks surprised more than the deer I guess. "You- go- me. I lo-. Fuck- I dont-" he's out of his senses. Its not gonna be surprising if he just choked on his own breath and died.


"Breath poor hazza" I rub his chest.


"I don't kn-ow what to say Lou" he's panting.


"Thank-you would be nice or are their-.." He's literally out of breath, "Are you okay?" I ask him as he crosses his legs in front of me and looks down at the huge pearl locket I got for him.


"Lou!" His chest is rising up and down but the pace is slowing " ....I'm out of breath" he looks at me. I haven't ever had the opportunity to look at this man in such emotions I can't even read.
"Lou?" His face falls.


"What, you don't like it?" I caress his upper arm. "It's okay I can retur--"


He pounces on me his lips attacking mine and I couldn't have been more surprised than this. He pushes me down on the mattress biting off my lower lip. It seems I'm the one whose out of breath now. My hands travel to his waist and I hold him my fingers pressing against his skin. "Harr--" I try to breath but he's blocking my mouth with his swirling tongue.


"Thankk-you" if only he could press more harder onto my lips. Fuck I feel the passion right now growing inside from my stomach.


"Tha-" he stops his forehead resting on mine breathing, panting almost in the heat, the sweat that created. "Thank-you so much Lou"


"Get away" I push him after kissing him. "Help me with mine?"


He picks the other one from the box and sits in front of me his knees touching mine. "Come closer" his face couldn't have been more red.
He comes forward too and hooks the locket on my neck.


"You know what, I've got one thing more" I tell him to wait. "Sit on the edge of the bed, you can cross your legs up if you want" I get down from the bed and walk to the dresser to pick up the oil bottle and walk back to sit behind Harry.



"Wait.." He turns his face lookin at me confused. "You're not going to do that?"


"It's my pleasure, My Lord"


"No, c'mon..." He tried to snatch the bottle away from me. "No Louis"


"Oiling ones hair is one of the best pleasures to ever get, did you know that?" I force him to sit straight in his place.


"I don't know anything about that. I just can't let you do--"


"Shhh.. Harry...." I bend down to kiss his shoulder, "its okay" I massage his shoulders, placing my thumb below the back of his neck and my fingers on his shoulder. His body loosens a little and his head tips back, "Just sit in your place, quiet"


"Okay" he rests his hands between his thighs.


"Mind opening your hair? I don't wanna pluck a pretty little curl from your head" I giggle.


"Alright" he pulls out the hair tie and shakes his head so that his hair falls back properly. He hands me the hair tie.


"That's it Haz" I hold his shoulders in place.


I part his hair from between his head. It's actually a pleasure to be oiling Harry's hair. It's like an honour I'm receiving.
"You know this is one of the world's best pleasures one can get"


"Yeah. You told me that before"


I pour the oil on his parted hair, "And its even more pleasurable if you receive that pleasure" If Harry could look at my face right now I'd be smirking at him so bad.



"Don't do that, okay" he feels a little uneasy. He shifts on his bum but staying in the same place.


"What ?" I stop for a second


"Smirk behind me like that. I know you're doing it. I can hear your chuckles and giggles just beside my ear" I can see his dimples now. He's doing it now. Damn, smart ass.


I smack his shoulder and he acts like I hit him to hard. "Stop it okay otherwise I'm gonna pluck all your pretty little curls and then you won't be any longer a Greek god" fuck. What did I say ? He's gonna tease me my whole life for it.


"Is that what you think I am?" I can see his dimple denting so deep into his cheek.


"What?" I can't unsay it now. Fuck, the heat on my face. It's like my body is on fire. I pour oil onto my palm patting it on this teasing lads head.


"You really think I look like a Greek god?" His voice is low. More seductive now and a bit raspy if I'm right. I'm right I'm always right.



Harry's pov
He said I look like a Greek god and now he's embarrassed about it. It's nothing to be embarrassed about and if anybody that should be embarrassed, it should be me.


"I only meant it as a compliment" his fingers glided through my hair so smooth, i feel dizzy with the feels and my eyes shut. "F-uck-k" if only I could've been able to control my moan.


"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that" his voice sounds like a disappointment.


"No!" I immediately turn and face him. "You can say whatever you want" he looks at me and then continues the amazing thing he was doing, "And I took it as a compliment" I hold his face.


"Okay" he shrugs. But his face has fallen. It's not my Louis who was teasing me a while back.


"You know nobody's ever said that before" he immediately looks down at me. His eyelashes long as ever. "You're the first one" I caress his cheekbone, which seems more prominent than before.



He walks on his knees closer to me and I hold his waist tightly, my other hand still on his face.
"That's good" he nods, smirking a little. I don't know maybe he's just hiding his smile.
"I hope I'll be the last one" he looks down and stops his awesome massage of my hair but then he continues.


He will be. I'm more than sure.


Fuck i feel the blood flowing in my head more properly. I can feel it. He's so good with his hands. Fuck me, seriously he's good. More than just good.


"You feel it, finally?" He cocks his head sideways to look at me, smile more prominent.


"Yes, I feel the pleasure your hands can give" he almost chokes on his own laughter. Oh my god.


"I'm sor-ry" he laughs his eyes scrunched. Shit.


"Lou.." I whine. "I didn't know what else to say, nobody's ever done that to my head and it actually feels great. Honoured by your treatment"


"It's okay" he's still laughing but its fading away. It's more of a chuckle.


"Seriously nobody?" He sits back down on his heels his hands still in my hair. He shifts in, closer.


"Not that nobody. Back at home I had a nanny who was supposed to take care of me. She did everything more than my mum. But I don't blame my mum for that she's been there. She had a job to take care of" I shrug. Shit where did this some from.


"That's okay." His hands move to my shoulders. "Mind turning around?"


"Okay"I turn around.


"Pass me the hairbrush?" I do as I'm told.


He shifts back to the headboard and I do to, sitting just right in front of him.


"When I shifted here and then I found you and then I noticed your hair, I thought you'd never let me touch them and I'd like awake wondering how amazing it might be to brush my fingers through them"


"You did?" I laugh.


"Yes, almost from the beginning"


"And I always wondered how it would feel if you ever were to brush your fingers through goldilocks"


"What?!" He laughs lightly but then almost too loud, "goldilocks?"


"That's what Sylvia used to to call them. My nanny. She told me to choose the name"


"Well you seem to be the kind of a person to name your own hair. Its not surprising"


He brushes my hair smooth and my body is almost sitting like a bag of potatoes. He gathers my hair in his fist and makes a bun, a neat one. "There you go"


"Thanks" I straighten my back and turn around. "And now its your turn!"


"What? You gonna oil my hair. Don't have the goldilocks for it" he pinches my nose.


"I know" I press my lips to his, my body pressing his. He kisses back.


"You should've let me wash my hands" he says in between.


"That's fine" my tongue enters his mouth battling his.
He shivers a little but then his hands travel to my neck and my are on his waist as his legs wrap around my waist. I pick him up placing him on my lap.


His kiss deepens and I lick his bottom lip biting it after. He moans loudly this time arching his back pressing it against my chest. It's all messed up but the heat is more. Maybe we both won't need any clothing in a minute. We'll be warmer for each other.


His hands travel to my hair. "Wait you'll ruin it" I take a deep breath.


"Never mind" my hair falls back on my shoulders. He tugs at them lightly. His moves rougher than before. I can feel the change happening in our bodies between our stomachs. Those kisses are airy and sloppy now. I can feel the heat on my face with his nose on my cheek and his lips pulling mine.


"Fuc-k wait" he pulls away cupping my face. Panting, he rests his forehead on mine. "I realized something"


His breath hits my nose. "W-hat?" I feel like I'll need the pump but I think I'll be fine.


"You've g-ot a kink" he laughs between his deep breaths.


"What?" I hold him closer at the waist.


"You've g-ot a massage kink" he laughs coking his eyebrows at me, making me laugh at myself.

"What?" i think that too. "but how..?" my eyes search his.

"Your eyes are dilated too much and we've just kissed" he looks into my eyes.


"Another first" its too much. He's too much to resist. I catch his lips between mine and he laughs when he kisses.


Remember, some people need to be loved more than they deserve and Louis tops the list.

Notes

hope you like it and enjoy the chapter. sorry if there are any typo's.

have a great Z016!!

VOTE, COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE .

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17