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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 81

Louis' POV


I don't want to cry. No not now. I don't want to cry. Please someone take Harry away from here. Just another second and I'll be howling like a kid who did not get his toy. I don't want to cry. No, please. After so many days of hard work. No not now. I won't cry. I promised my self I'm not going to cry no matter how weak I feel. I'm not going to cry. The million times I've resisted myself, this is not the way it ends.


"Louis'?" His other hand moves to my cheek. Fuck! My lips quivered I guess. No matter how hard I try to shift away from him he's shifting closer.


I keep the tub aside and I pull him close burying my face into his chest. My heartbeat hasn't calmed down in 3 hours and its not going to until I spill my fucking guts out.


I'm crying now. I'm breaking my promise because I can't deal with it on my own. No matter how much I think I can do it alone but I need Harry to caress me. To shush me, because its too much.


"Shhh.." his hands wrap around my frame and he's caressing my back.


"Let's get you in" he stands up picking me up with him. Because I don't want to leave him. I can't afford to. I know I'm a looser because I can't help myslef but its ok I'm ready to call myself a loser if I get to win Harry forever.


He puts me down on the couch and seats himself beside me holding my hands between his.


"Don't cry!" He pulls me into his chest. "Don't.. I'm here lou" he caresses my hair. And it feels good. My heartbeat wouldn't stop pounding so loud until I spill it out. I need to.


"Har-ry.." I begin but I need to calm my self down before I tell him. It's difficult. I don't want to tell him but I want to tell him. My head will explode if I don't. But if I tell him this house will explode. Everything will explode.


I don't know what kind of rivals Harry and Nick are but whatever kind of shit they have between them is bad. Serious bad. My head. Fuck its hurting so bad. My ice cream, it was helping.


"Tell me, why did you stop? I need to know this! Why are you crying? It's serious right?" He is rambling shit right now. I need be calm right now but its so hard because these tears just don't stop.


Sometimes, all you wish is the things that happened with you in the past wouldn't just repeat when you move to another, a whole new place but it just doesn't stop following you, haunting you, taunting you in the ways you want to flush down your memory, in ways you can't even imagine, in ways you wish you were never treated, you never want to face them again but how could god have made your life easier? You were born to be in the wild and not run away from it. And I always forget that.


Fuck I'm losing my mind I need to stop. What am I thinking, I can't. I can't fucking tell Harry this. Shit. What did I do?!


I pull away because I can't be in his presence and behave like everything's wrong. Everything is wrong but I don't know what else to do because he makes me weak right now. He makes me feel strong too but I don't know what to do.


Those words just play in my head. How bad he talked about Harry. The way he said 'does he even get turned on?'. Fucking shit. My head will explode.


It's those words on repeat I don't want to hear anymore. I have to tell him but I don't have to.


"Louis'?!" He shakes me lightly as he pulls my chin up cupping my face in his hands. " don't cry
okay?" He removes the fringe from my forehead. "Just tell me whatever it is. You'll feel light. Believe me. You'll feel way good, way better, yeah?" He hasn't given up on me and I couldn't have wished for more right now.


I hold his wrist squeezing in, calming myself and I breath in. "You.." Its not easy to breath right now. "You wouldn't want to hear this Harry" my words are so slow and low I don't even know they've escaped my mouth.


I hear him gasp and my eyes meet his. The green color of his eyes is just like the shade of water in the swimming pool on a hot summer day. "I've survived much difficult times Louis. You can trust me I'll get you out of this" he pats my cheek and pulls me in his embrace again.


Gemma appears in front of Harry and me with a basket full of clothes which give out this sweet lemon fragrance on her waist.
"Shit, whats so serious? Are you okay Louis?"


"I swear if you fucking gonna ask me that question one more time, just one more... I'm gonna bash your face in gemma. And I wouldn't fucking even care.." Harry holds me in place. "I can't even fucking feel my face right now ..how do you think I look? Do I fucking look okay to you?..." I deep breath.


"Louis'!" Harry says a bit loud. "Stop.."


"You saw me crying outside in the balcony what else do you wanna see? Aren't you fucking happy with that?" I will fucking faint. This is so embarrassing. What am I doing? Shit


"Louis STOP!!" Harry squeezes my hand. "What do you think you're saying.." I bury my face in my hands. What did I do? Fuck me.


I pull my face up wiping it off and it feels wet, "I'm so-...." She's gone. She's gone. Where has she gone? I can no longer smell the fragrance of the lemon detergent. Shit I made her run away. Shit.


Oh my god. Shit.


Harry gets up from beside me pulling away, "Harry?!" Where is he going? Is he leaving?


I couldn't feel my face a few minutes ago but right now as Harry leaves I can feel every fucking thing hitting my face. The hot burning tears roll down on my cold skin and I feel them now. I feel them.


"Are you lea-ving?" My voice breaks. Fuck.


"stop being overdramatic! At least think what you say! Be responsible for what comes out of your mouth, Louis!!" He storms out of the hall his heel thudding against the floor and all I do is watch his back moving away into Gemma's room.


Shutup Louis stop being so into your feelings. Keep them to yourself. You mess everything up. You've always done that.



The way my heart is thumbing so loud in my ears all I can hear is my inner voice saying things what my brain thinks.



I wipe my face again, my eyes burning now. I pick up my ice cream which is now a bit melted due to the heating but its OK. It made me feel good a few moments ago and it will make me feel better now.


It's been over an hour and I haven't seen anybody come out of their room, just opening and closing of door a few moments back.


I need a distraction. If I don't get this distraction my head will blow off. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am being overdramatic over such a petty thing. What did he do? He just touched me, right? Only because i punched him in the face. That was his way of revenge. I shouldn't have been over dramatic. Harry was right. I should be responsible for what comes out of my mouth.


I get up and slowly enter my room still afraid Harry might be in there and if he asks me anything what am I going to say. I don't have anything left to say.


I step in and he's not there. I can hear the shower. He's in the shower. Thank god he's in the shower. I look around for my laundry basket, I pick it up and the shower turns off.


I look into my part of the cupboard if I have anything else to wash. I hear the door unlock and Harry walks out.


Before he can ask me anything I shut the cupboard and move to the door.


"You going to do your laundry now?" He asks as he pads across the room.


"Yeah!" I nod my voice still low.


"You haven't done your laundry in like two months I guess" he almost chuckles. Almost.


I turn around. "That is why I thought, I could..I don't have anything else to do anyway" I chuckle too. Almost. "Jobless at its best" Harry's looking at me with I don't know what but it seems like pity but I don't know if its exactly that because a few minutes ago if somebody asked me what day it was I'd probably wouldn't be able to answer and right now my head still seems to be stuck in that phase. And as far as I know I can read people easily. It's just difficult right now.



I walk out towards the music room and then turn left. Harry's laundry room, a kind of place which I have only visited once or twice the whole time I've lived here.


Gemma's in there because I hear shuffling and when I enter in, the balcony doors are open from that room. It's a fire exit anyway and she's watering the plants.


She turns around, looks at me for a second puts away the jug, walks to the other side to put away the detergent.


"No its okay I'll use that" I gather up the courage. She huffs and keeps it beside the drier and walks past me.


"Gemma?" I turn around. I know apologizing for my mistake is a big thing and I'll do that before anything goes further.


She doesn't turn back before exiting the room. Shit I annoyed her bad. Real bad.


I go forward with the laundry thing.


Harry's POV
What is it that he isn't telling me. Damn it then. If he didn't want to tell me I am fucking okay with it now. I don't even care. Why should I care?


What is his problem anyway. Okay, he is stressed but that doesn't mean you don't think before saying. That too to gemma? What was he thinking? Is he out of his mind? I didn't expect this from him and I'm so fucking disappointed in him. So much. Louis out of all people swears at my sister? In front of me? She didn't deserve it.


A few moments ago that hot burning water falling on my shoulders was the only thing which helped me go through this night. I feel so miserable not being able to help anyone. Not anyone.


Gemma thinks its fine what he did but she wasn't the one who needed his burstout. It should've been me, who gets hia burstout, the one who did this to him


Louis who isn't even listening to me. He broke down in front of me when a few moments ago he said if he cried all the good in the world would end. Him claiming he doesn't cry and then he has a break down with a burst out and then he all he does is not tell me what's wrong?


I mean what am I supposed to do here now?


It's been more than an hour him being gone for his laundry. He should've returned back to the room? Where is he now?

I know he's going to be annoyed but I can't let that happen before he completely shuts himself out against me. I can't let that happen because I know how much it takes to be close with someone and when you're actually ready to share everything with them either they leave you or shut themselves out. I can't let that happen again. I can't let that happen to Louis. I just can't.


I exit my room padding across the hallway to the laundry room.


My eyes land on the man sitting there on the plastic stool with his head in his palms.

I walk quietly to him. I don't know if he knows I'm here but I want him to know I'm here. He should know that ill always he there for him, no matter what. He should know I'll help him.


When I'm standing in front of him he looks up. His eyes are red. His face is wet. I've never seen him so vulnerable. Never. The first night he cried it was more of a crying of a person who was happy to leave everything behind and move forward. Right now it seems like a person who is unsure if he should've taken that step to move forward or not.


"Why didn't you come back to the room? The machine switches off automatically!" my hands travels to his shoulders.


"I'm sorry I'm a disappointment Harry because I don't have answers to any of your questions and I know how much I have annoyed you and gemma" he looks down at his feet playing with his fingers. He's talking this time. He's saying things I don't want to hear. But its fine if he doesn't want to tell me, I'm not asking him anything further.


"Yeah.." I nod squeezing his shoulders. "Gemma is definitely pissed. I am annoyed too but less than gems.." The noise of the washing machine is louder than Louis' muffles but I can still hear him.


"You mind if we talk in our room?" He doesn't look up. He isn't answering me. "Louis c'mon, the least you could do is respond" he wipes his face off and stands up smiling weakly.


"What is the time?" He asks as we're about to enter our room.


"I guess its 11:45.." I look at the clock. "Yes its11:45" I confirm letting him enter in first. There's this noise coming out of gem's room and I think she's talking to somebody but I guess its the radio. Maybe talking to her helped.


Louis enters in walks to the bed and then turns around looking at me with more confidence than before. I walk towards and stand in line with him.


"I know how much you want to know what happened and how much I want to tell you what happened but its going to ruin things" he speaks up looking at me then tugs at my shirt.


"If you don't want me to know then just don't tell me but how do you know it's going to ruin things? What is there that could possibly do that Louis?!"


"It's so confusing I don't....I shouldn't have at all spoken about this shit" he mumbles.


"Don't do this. If don't want me to know its okay. Nobody is going to force you. Let's just talk about something else" my fingers brush against his cheek. "It's okay lou, its okay" he whimpers. Trying so hard not to cry. He shuts his eys squeezing them.


"I'll just go and shower until then you can rest" he steps in and wraps his hands around my waist. He just had a shower, another one? I hug him back squeezing him a little. I think I needed this. Yes I did. I breath in his scent.


He pulls away and looks up at me, tears welling up in his eyes, "harr-- y" why is he crying now? "Harry he to--" the door clicks open, he stops and looks over my shoulder confused. "..Ed?"


Notes

everytime i post a new chapter i just wish they could be together in real life just as freely as they want.

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LOADS OF LOVE <3

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17