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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 74

Harry's pov


My head could only revolve around last night. Last night and Louis were totally opposite. The thoughts in my head were against me trying with all forces to break me down but there this other force existed, in the same night, in the same room which wanted me to fight back and win. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if I ever would be alive today. He came into my life at a point where I couldn't believe in myself anymore. It was so hard for me to even grasp the fact that I was still alive breathing for myself and I didn't have to make others happy to exist. But everything becomes so hard to do, even if its the simplest thing, when you don't want to do it. Your heart and soul does not support you brain in what its doing. It's so confusing that your body repels in such a way that you don't know where to go, what to do or what not to do. Everything gets frustrating. You start hating everything in your surrounding.

I confessed last night, my love, for him. I don't know if I should've said that because his breathing, in a matter of second became erratic, his eyes widened and his body heated in a moment. He flinched when my hands reached his face. He flinches every time, still. I don't know why. Maybe he's still not aware that I can touch him. Maybe I am still not aware that his body has accepted my touch.
But I said it yesterday. Not going for the size of his body but with the size of his heart, so huge I'm sure it spills out from his body. He caressed me when all I could think was how to destroy myself and be free from those thoughts which always kill me in some way. He said it right. When people become selfish they do not even care to even pick up a glass of water for you.

For whatever he's done for me since the day I laid eyes on him I only could take it for granted because what I did yesterday was so so so fucking selfish that I didn't even care of I had cut what would've happened to guy sleeping comfortably on the bed. I was so into my self that if I had done what I was thinking last night what would've happened to him? I don't know. But knowing every thing he took me out of my state of mind in such a simple yet calming and soothing manner that when those meaningful words exited his mouth, all I wanted was to lie down in his lap forever and he caressed my hair.

I was being selfish, I thought at that point of time. But I don't know. Maybe everybody's a little selfish for themselves. A little selfish for people they want in there life. I little selfish for angels who exist in form of humans and enter your little world with a knock at the door. A little selfish for this guy who rescued me at my worst.
He handles it so well that I don't know if i could do that for him sometime. I couldn't get answers for why he did that but when I looked into his eyes they weren't calm, though he looked as if he had everything sorted out in front of him. Like he knew this was a drill. But his eyes said otherwise. The blue of his eyes was so blue in that moment, it looked like waves were crashing with every word he said to me, like oceans situated deep in his eyes were trying to calm themselves. Like the faucet was just not trying to pour water even though it was turned on. The waves that crashed stayed off the shore staying calm smoothening the creases on the sand as it drifted back. The tornadoes which looked calm when his eyes turned grey I knew it was exact opposite because the blue of the oceans that had managed to escape behind the tornados was still there but still not there. Being the selfish one i don't know maybe I didn't ever want to know what caused the tornadoes in his life. Or do they even existed before me? I don't know.

I take a breath standing outside the clinic my head bursting with thoughts and my heart filled with Louis all I could think about was him.
It's so hard. Everything's so hard when you don't want to do it. I take one last breath and my eyes fall on a frame outside the clinic.
"Some people are born with tornadoes in there lives, But constellations in there eyes, Others are born with stars at there feet, But there souls are lost at see." From the moment there on all I promised myself was to never let the blue of his oceanic eyes fade away into grey of my stormy eyes.



"How was your last session? Did you like it or kind of feel good?" Dr Sabrina asks me distracting me from my thoughts. I was actually texting Louis to pick me up after an hour at the hospital. We'll eat out. He deserves everything good. "Yeah..yeah. It was okay"

"I thought you wouldn't turn up tom because you were calling me" she chuckles jotting down something in her register. All I have in my head is last night.

"Why?" I ask her shifting in my seat. I just called her to prepone my appointment. I can't visit her on Saturday. The room is too bright with so many lights above my head with the window open sun shinning so bright behind Dr Sabrina I can't even look at her without squinting. "As in most of the patients don't turn to look at me after the first class. They change their doctor" she still writing down something.

I nod not knowing what to say next. A few minutes of silence and she lifts her head up. Her long black hair in a side sweep falls till her elbow and her perfect nose. Oh she's perfect. Her eyelashes are so long.
"Are you sexually active?" What the fuck is she asking? I know now why people change doctors. "Answer only if you're comfortable" she looking at me shaking her pen between her fingers.

"No I mean why would you ask me that?" All I wish is if I was with Louis right now. I miss bhim damn much. He was so good with me last night I barely remember why I actually did all of that. He handles my shit so perfectly.

"I came straight to the point. You're a victim of sexual assault so coming straight to the point how your brain must be working" she shrugs.


"Why are you so chilled about this. Like all of this?" Its like I'm having a fight with her.

"See I told you. If you're not comfortable don't answer. I'm serious, I'm not shitting" she cocks her eyebrow. I thought psychiatrists were kind of more subtle with their patients. "Tell me something about you"

"Dr. John told you almost everything" I shrug. "What's your age? lets start simple"

I clear my throat, "uh 21. I thought it was on the file"

"Yes. Everything's on the file. I want to know what you want me to know" she's weird. It's like I'm being bullied at high school again.

"Well.." I think. I'll go simple like she did. "I'll turn 22 in like 3 days" I smile.

"There you go" she smiles wide. Dragging her chair closer to the table. "Are you excited?"
I'm confused, "do I look excited?"

"Definitely a no. Is there anybody you think would be excited for you? For your birthday I mean"

"Uh..." I think, "yes. 2 people are the most excited. Gemma of course and Niall"

"Gemma is your sister and Niall?" "Friend"
"Are you a little excited now that you know there are people discussing about your b'day party?"

"Umm a little" I admit.
"What's there to be excited about a b'day now?" She huffs. What? She just made me excited and now she's like backing off.
"I'm sorry? Come again"

"I mean c'mon who gets excited about a b'day? Everyday we think we don't want to grow up and deal with shit but here now people actually celebrate every fucking year getting old. I mean how sad is that?" She huffs again dropping her pen on the table.
She's had a bad day or what?

I chuckle at her thought and she catches me, "you're very.." I trail off she's going to laugh at me.
"What?"

"Nothing" I wave her off.

"Tell me . You're making me curious" she props her head on her palm.

"You talk so much like Louis"

"Whose this man now?" She has her eyebrow perched up smiling wickedly. If she just had her hair moreover a lighter shade of black with darker brown hazelnut color. She's probably going to look more like louis' female version.

My hand reaches the back if my neck. Fuck my neck is warm. "Louis Tomlinson... Uh he's my boyfriend" I'm scratching my head. I don't know if I'm blushing but I'm sure my body is heated up.

"You want me to know about him?" She's subtle now.

"Sure" there are fireworks inside me. Oh god last night.

Notes

Thank-you for your support. It's appreciated every second in my life. Thank-you. Hope you guys stay till the end.

Love xx

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17