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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 71

Louis' pov


The next day was fine as fuck. But I didn't go outside. It was raining first but then it started to snow suddenly so not being a winter animal and a snow loving beast I stayed in. I slept till late. I didn't even know when Harry left. All I could do was smell his scent beside me on the pillow and stay there for another nap imaging all sorts of things Harry would do to me if he was here.


Gemma left, she said she had some work. And she also left me some breakfast so that's a plus.
I'm alone at home. It's a huge house and sometimes it's weird because your mind doesn't know where to go. My house was huge too. But this has two bedrooms and some rooms above. Mine was this huge but it had 6 bedrooms plus dining and kitchen so its practically not jammed up like mine was.


After the shower I had the ham sandwich and some juices. I was in our room, well I never have checked Harry's dresser where he keeps all his private stuff. He'd be angry anyhow if I did that but I ended up opening the drawer. I didn't have to do anything with his undergarments so it was shut the other second. The second drawer had some files and stuff. Not my concern. The last drawer woah was something different. It had books. Poetry books. I could see some novels. Some psychology. Jammed inside the drawer. Well I didn't knew he was such a reader, my god.



There were so many. Well I decided to pick the two poetry ones which looked at me like they wanted to be picked and so I did.


Thom gunn and Alexandra Pushkin.


Drowning myself into them for the next 5 hours was all I did. I went to that balcony but then I returned it was cold outside.


It was great to read such books. I mean I feel full. I feel the beauty in the world. It opens tour brains to new and farther horizons so it was just so great.


I don't even know I was so full that I dozed off in my room asleep after such a pleasurable session.


Harry's POV


Today was a tough day much tougher than the days I've had only because all I could think about was last night. It was just terrible. I don't even know why I start with it when I can't finish it. It ends ugly and seeing that look on his face lying there so innocent flustered his skin shinning like the sun just came out makes me so weak in my knees. But I'm a coward. I am so weak to even accomplish the fact that he's done so much for me and all I do is just hurt him. I'm scared. A scared animal. I don't want to touch him anymore because all I'm going to do is hurt him and make him endangered. It sucks how fucked up I am. I don't want be near him anymore because if he's breathing the same air as me then he's definitely being affected by it.
It's not once that I stopped and brushed away myself from him in such a situation. Twice I'd done it. Such a wreck . I don't want to wreck him


He's says it fine if I am not ready. He's so innocent to think that I'm a virgin. But what am I going to say to him if I tell him I'm not and then he asks me who took my virginity? What am I even going to say? I'll make up a lie. But how many?. My life has been a lie in front of him. I'm so hollow in the inside and he doesn't know. Maybe he does. But he doesn't know the actual reason to why I am hollow. Why I long for a treatment where I am loved.


There can so many reasons to why there is a hole on the ground. And I know the reason I am hollow, he isn't expecting that to be the reason at all. I don't know what will happen the day he gets to know the real reason behind it. I don't know if he'll leave or if he'll stay. But I just can't seem to find anything about me that will make him or someone stay.


It's so fucking sick of me to lead him onto things which are not healthy in any way.


I take a deep breath before entering the hall which is warm like Louis who always make me smile at his tiny little naughty things.


The house is silent. I put the keys above the microwave and walk into the balcony closing the doors shut. Gemma is not at home because her room is shut. She usually keeps it slightly open if she's here. As I step into the hallway I can hear light snores coming out of my room. I open the door slowly not trying to disturb him if he's asleep.


He's asleep. I step in and my eyes glance at his face as his lips part a little, his eyes are shut but his hand is hanging by the edge of the bed with a familiar book on his chest.


He found my books.


This is what he does all day finding things to entertain himself with just because I fucked up with his life. He's so innocent to think things otherwise that he doesn't know what wrong in a situation. But he does. I'm wrong. He's so observant all the time.


If it wasn't for me I was letting him staying he would've found a place somewhere else and stayed happy and not be a part of my fucked up ruined life.


He's a ray of hope and a ray of sunshine in my life. Fuck off he's the whole fucking sun in my life and I don't know if it wasn't for him that I'm alive today.


If I hadn't offered him with the job and shit he would still have that job at the bakery, which might pay much less but he'd still have a job and he would've stayed happy.


I am the reason he was fired. Even if simon by fraud included my name used him for the job and then fired him it doesn't remove me from the picture we could've hired somebody else and he been away from all this crap



I'm so terrible. Whoever I come in contact with I make them terrible. It's all gone. My family they gave up on me. Gemma stayed CZ she understood and she's here and I can never thank her enough for whatever she's done. My relatives my cousins. Not that they mattered but if they would still talk to me I would still feel like home. All my friends left. They turned sides. But some tried be sympathetic but I didn't want that And they went away. They didn't understand. All I wanted to be was treated like all other were treated normally. Not like I was a pet or something that needed petting.


Louis and zayn are the ones who stayed by my side. Zayn stayed when nobody else would.


Nick too stayed but he stayed to ruin me. I don't even know how he thought the way he did. Because it was unbelievable the things he did that mind could think of. All I could feel was betrayed because I've known him all my life since I've been able to sense things in this world.


I feel so sick when I think I fell for him. I had a crush on him. He wasn't bad then. He was full of life. So good that it surprised me sometimes.
We knew each other by breaths. Sometimes it was impossible for even his mother to predict what his next move would be.


I don't know who ruined it more. Him or me.


But when I think hard about it the conclusion I get is that it was me who fucked up first.


He was the smartest guy and I was friendliest guy in school. Everybody knew about our
friendship. Until one day changed everything.


We were in my room like usual until everything went unusual. I kissed him on the lips. I was scared at first what if he punched me back and I had to give up my friendship? But then when he kissed back I thought the whole world was mine. I thought I had won everything.


It was a joyous celebration of my feelings inside my body while he's was on top of me both of us half naked.


I didn't even realize I had been breathless for an hour until he pulled away and I could hear him gasp. If he'd had rubbed against me any minute longer I would have screamed my self out. When I opened my eyes my heart dunked in.


He sat in between my legs his pants gone even his boxers. He looked at me with pure lust and when I looked at him I gasped. My body was heating up so much that I thought maybe if he touched it he might get burnt.


He bent forward and fumbled with my slacks. But I shifted up and he frowned.



"What's the... matter? he asked breathlessly and I shook my head "can we just.."


"You want this right?" He asked me as if I'd say no and he would stop.


"I..I." I mumbled not sure and I sat up ,"I'm sorry" I said looking down at my hands. I suddenly felt cold. The air had shifted between us. He felt ashamed suddenly. He covered himself under the duvet till his waist.



" what do you mean Harry? You kissed me that means you wanted this. Don't you? " I didn't look up I was so guilty. But I thought why was I guilty? I wasn't doing wrong. I just wasn't ready. We could have it some other time when we were ready. When I was ready.


"I'm just not ready" I mumbled. And the next moment I was crying. Because I knew I had upset him. From the years that I've spent with him I knew if something upsets him and stop him from getting it he'd apply every force he had to, to get it .


"What the fuck do you mean you're not ...? Gosh Harry....you're such a fuck... I don't believe you..I feel so ashamed and disgusted and insulted right now. Do you know what that means?"
That was first time he'd called me names. We had fights before but he never called me names and as for me I never cussed or swear.


That night was horrific when he left after slapping me across my face and its effect tingled at my cheek right now.


And that is reason I think I'm so fucked up right now my cheeks were sobbing like it'll never end. My chest is so tight. I want to end this. It's too fucking much. It's too much. I didn't want to drift into it. Again never. I want to hideaway from it but all that happens is I have to face it in new forms. Nothing now. I'm gonna end it. Today right now. Or maybe I'll ease the pain inside me and the stomach churning feeling I get every second I breath.



Shutup bitch and focus on the guy lying on the bed. He means everything to you don't you know. My subconscious reminds me.
Don't break him just because you are fragile. Don't make him bleed just because you are a piece of broken glass. Don't. You've stayed strong up till now and you will survive. Stop it now okay. Don't be a kid.


All these voices inside me will make me deaf. The thumbing voice of my heart and pulse enough to drive me crazy but these voices which came from nowhere make me want to listen to them but yet I push them away but it's hard.



I don't even know why all of a sudden I'm in such a situation where I can't figure out things anymore. I've broken down million times before and I was ready to break down a million times after if it involved not hurting Louis.



I felt loss of air in my lungs as my vision blurred enough to make me fall on the floor and hurt myself. I wasn't scared or afraid to hurt myself.



I trailed off getting up tasting the saltiness of my tears on my lips fumbling my way into the bathroom. I looked terrible terrible enough.



Maybe I just needed somebody to tell me that I wasn't terrible enough as it seems. I had somebody there. I have Louis to tell me but he's not aware of this fact about me.


My head hanged low as I gripped tightly around the sink until my knuckles turned white as if it would help me ease the guilt and pain inside.


I've tried it too many times to know that it wouldn't help. Because when you've felt the blood oozing out of your skin from the right places all you want to do this do that things again and feel the pleasure of the pain easing.


So I did.


Once again I broke the promise because it didn't help. I found myself drifting back a little to have have myself lost again but maybe I could try be near a sign that said Google. Because it helps search and find everything.


The next moment I don't know, maybe I was forced to pick up the razor or what but I found myself sitting with it at the floor beside the foot of the bed. I could hear shuffling on the bed and I knew it was time to shut my fucking mouth and not wake my pretty little angel.


But I cried loudly because its so hard not cry when you really want to.

Notes

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Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17