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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 66

Louis'pov

I twist under the duvet and shit my legs hurt a bit. I Pat around my palm beside me trying to find Harry's body but he's not here and I jolt up breaking the crink in my neck.

Fuck my whole body hurts like I've been beaten down or something.

I get down the bed clutching my body close to me because the cold air hitting my face. It's still a bit dark. Have I woken up early?

I walk out the room stumbling and yawning and shit the cold air hits my face hard again and I flinch back. Is there a snow storm?

The balcony doors are open and I don't know if its Gemma or Harry but I swear they are a gone case if they thought about standing outside in a snow storm.

Shit. I walk towards the balcony in order to check who this insane one is.

My subconscious has already guessed who it is. And as I step out holding myself against the wind its the same mop of curly hair sitting on a yoga mat wearing a I guess two sweat shirts with thick sweat pants socks propped up.

Is he mad? Really is he crazy?

I stand there staring at the crazy man who has a half full and a full glass of some green smoothie in it. He's sitting there in mediation is eyes shut.
I don't know if he noticed me but I guess I shouldn't disturb him so I turn around to make some tea for myself.

"Louis..cmon sit down" he says as I was about to walk into the hall.

"I'll give you a sweatshirt sit down" he offers and I turn around to enter the balcony and step on the spare mat spread out.
OK so he knows he's sitting in the cold.

"Here" he turns back and picks a sweatshirt from the bench and hands it to me opening his eyes and greeting me with a smile.
I wear it before sitting down crossing my legs. I still feel cold.

"Are you crazy ? Why are we sitting here in a snow storm?!" I ask him rubbing my palms together as he takes a sip of that smoothie and hands me the glass which was full.

"Good morning" he says keeping the glass aside. His eyes seem red and puffy. Maybe he woke up early.

"I prefer tea in a snow storm, thank-you" I nod rejecting it.
He keeps it aside.

"Did you have a good sleep?" He asks me shutting his eyes again deep breathing.

"No..I didn't " I sigh my body still aches as I bury my face in my palms. I'm still yawning sitting in the balcony where its so much fog and I can't even see the building which is just beside ours.

"What?!" He snaps. "Why?"

"My body... aches" I mumble yawning.

"All the more reason to have this mint smoothie. You'll feel good I promise" he hurries up picking up the glass and forcing me to hold it.

"Drink it up Lou. Drink it up"

"Don't you think I need something warm? We're sitting outside in a snow storm" I inform him and he looks around nodding like he knows but he's still here.

"I'll make you tea after this don't worry" he nods again finishing his glass.

"Drink it up now" he forces. I'm sure this is going to taste awful.
But I bring the glass to my lips and take a sip.

Fuck its tastes bitter and I don't want my morning to start like this.

"What are you making me drink? I'm not drinking this" shit I feel like vomiting it out.

"It's good" he says his shoulders shrugging.

"OK. I'll make you tea then" he props up on his knees to stand up and some cylindrical 3 inch white roll drops on the mat he doesn't notice and I look at him as he walks into the hall before I can ask him what he's doing with a cigarette.

I pick up the thing up and my eyes shift to the ashtray under the bench which was hiding behind
him.

Oh shit.
There's too much ash in it. He's finished a pack or something?

Harry's pov
Its so hard to look at him in the morning and not kiss him. It's so hard to not treat him right.
I made the smoothie just because I could change the taste of my mouth before he gets to know I smoked two whole packs last night.

I just wanted to run away from here last night. The thoughts haunted me again. It's complete four years to the torture I'd been through and its haunting me again like I asked it to.
26th January. The day when it all began. Shit I don't want to remember it again not that I have forgotten it.

The water in the kettle has come to the boil as the red light turning off.

Its was so hard to not drift into the thoughts again. I couldn’t sleep last night. I cuddled Louis thinking I'd sleep right at least this time and not drift into the murderous people taking over me but I couldn’t help. Maybe Louis couldn't comfort me in the right way because he doesn't know what my problem is but I'm not blaming him. He's an angel in my life. There's no way that he is to blame.

As I soon as I would shut my eyes they'd take over me and I'd be shaken back to reality again.

I didn’t want to wake up Louis by constantly shuffling in bed so I got out after tucking him tightly and walked upstairs and smoked the life out of me till I started feeling numb. That’s what I usually do and that's what I did.

And Louis complaining about this room always smelling of smoke that’s just because more than 3 times in a week I'm a here smoking drowning myself into nothing and trying to get over something which isn’t going to leave me till I'm begging for mercy or dead.

I walk down to the balcony when this room starts to choke me alive or when it becomes too cloudy and smoky to even look at my hand. I don’t think I'll be dead soon because I've tried that multiple times and have always ended up alive and the thought of Louis and gemma finding me dead someday haunts me more than the other vicious ones.

“harry?” Louis enters his voice sounding a bit questioning.

“yes” I jolt out of my thoughts and start putting some tea into the boiling water in front of me but I don’t look up, afraid he'll catch my gaze.

“this fell off your pocket” shit what fell of my pocket? Probably my wallet. I glance up and he's holding the cigarette standing looking with disbelief at me.

Now I don’t even know if I should walk upto him to get it back. But then I can feel him walking towards me.

“here” he keeps it beside the kettle. “you should stop this smoking okay. I know you smoke the whole packet” what? He saw me last night smoking. He says his voice concerned and I'm making myself look busy by straining the tea into the cup.

“wha-?” I almost stutter my eyes going he saw me last night.

“the ashtray is full. How much have you really been smoking?” he looks at me his eyebrows frowning.

Oh thank god I sigh he just analysed by the full ashtray.

“I told you already I smoke” I kind of inform him again. I don’t know what else to do.

“yes. I know that. And I didn’t ask you if you smoked or not, I asked you how much” he says firm. ”you are already on medication harry. And anyway there is not going to be any use of you drinking these organic smoothies and asparagus and beans if you're going to smoke your fucking life out of a joint” he spits sounding so angry at then end.

Guess what? I have thing for angry Louis.

“im not smoking my life out of it” I retort. “im just smoking”

“may I ask you why?” he asks me quickly. Folding his arms at his chest.

“umm I don’t know I ju- just like it I guess“ I turn my back at him to walk to the fridge to get the milk for his tea.

“I like alcohol too. And tell me who doesn’t. but I know its going to kill me so I am not standing here drinking up a full bottle. Am I ? do I even look like I'm going to? I can't even stand properly because my body hurts” he kind of says its gritting his teeth back at me.

“I know that. I'm not dumb” I snap closing the fridge door and walking back to the kettle.

“none of us is dumb but you doing that shit here is not nice. And first of all its not going to do any good to me if you stop smoking. Okay? So just fucking stop that? It's for your own good”

“not okay. Okay. And if its not going to do any good to you then just stop telling me to stop smoking. Okay!” I pour the milk in the cup but I guess I spilled.

I don’t know why im even arguing with him in the morning. Shit. What did I do? Oh god. Shit.

Fuck me I'm taking out all of my anger on him. Shit such a dumb fuck I am.

He huffs beside me looking at me but I'm not looking at him.

I can't stand to look at the person whose trying to stuff sense into me but im just arguing with him for no reason.

“you know what you can have that cigarette and that tea. Both for yourself. Just like the alcohol and the fucking smoothie because neither do I smoke nor do I drink. Great combos for you right?” he turns around huffing looking all furious and stomps out the kitchen.
Shit what did I do. Shit shit shit shit. Fuck me!!

“Louis!!” I called out walking much behind him but I'm sure I'll get through that door before getting it slammed on my face.

“Louis?” I call out more softly as I watch him enter the room but he didn’t slam the door. Thank god.

“what?!” he walked out looking calm instead. Oh shit is he going to be mad in a calm way?

“i- i- I made your morning tea” I didn't have anything else to say.

“where is it?” he's about to roll his eyes.

“ill get it.” I point towards the kitchen and hurry up to get his tea before he heats up again.

“here” I hand him his tea in the hall. He came back to the hall.

“you have your appointment today?"

“yes”

“and mine too?”

“yes I guess” I sound more like a servant right now. never really been in this kind of a situation before.

“at the same time?”

“at the same time”

“Okay” he sips his tea.

After four hours I'm here sitting outside the doctor's clinic.

The stitch thread got removed perfectly today. Louis looked more afraid than me when I came out of the ward.

“oh jesus christ you’re not dead!” was the first thing he gasped out when he stood and examined me.

Now we’re inside the clinic in front of Dr. john.

“can I have a private chat with my patient?” dr asks looking at Louis and then at me unsure.
Louis turns to look at me and I nod.

“okay. Uh right please. I’ll be right outside” his face falls as he pulls the chair back to walk out quietly.

“I need nicotine” I begin

“you already have the pills on prescription”

“yes. I know. I need the patches. Pills don’t hep much. I've been trying."

“not even patches work if you're going to smoke that much amount per day”

“it’s the time of the year. I can't be stable on my own if I don’t smoke. What am I supposed to do you tell me?"

“sessions. Take them. I talked to gemma about it.”

“what sessions?” i'm acting i know that clearly. he doesn't have to know i was awake that time.

“sessions every Wednesday and Saturday. Twice a week”

“for what?”

“PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. are you still getting nightmares?”

“sometimes. yes”

"it's been four years you could’ve talked to me about it . couldn’t you?

“I am dr. John, right now."

“well. Your counsellor will be dr. Sabrina. You come by this Wednesday and we’ll get everything figured out."

“what time?” if its going to be between work hours. I'm taking these. I don’t want everybody to know.

“five or six?”

“5:30 right from office”

“ok”

“call in Louis”


Notes

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Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17