LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
I was damn sure by now he knew that I harmed myself and the explanations he needed would be obvious. But my insides were shivering by now. I tried to remain calm as I took bites of my dessert.
“I don’t understand you Louis.” I was acting as if I did not know anything. After this statement, Louis got up from the couch and was next moment seated beside me.
“harry you don’t have to be so secretive about it.” those words entered into my head like bullet shots and I did not want Louis to get into trouble coz of me.
“secrets and me? Not possible” I manage to say with my trembling lips as i acted as if I was doing nothing.
“-harry-harry….harry look at me harry. What do you think I don’t understand …I don’t see whats going on? I am older than you to know it all. I saw blood stains that night in your room.”he says in a bit calm tone.
After this I did not know what to say or explain. He knew it and one of my biggest fears were sitting beside me right there and then. He told me to look at him and talk. That wasn’t going to happen. I can’t look at him in the eye straight away. It makes my insides so weak. I just cannot.
I turned to him resting my back on the arm rest of the couch but I was still looking down at the
bowl of ice cream that was in my hands.
“harry? Harry, are you listening to what I am saying?” he asks me as he pulls up my chin with his index finger so that I could look at him when I talk. He wasn’t screaming or shouting in front of me. His tone was calm and low.
“Louis please don’t over react over all this. Its just something normal” I say as I brush his hand aside and again take the same posture as I was sitting a few moments ago. My back resting on the back rest.
“are you crazy harry? Its not something normal for a human being to do such stuff. Okay if you say this is normal then give me a reason from which I can convince myself that its okay if you harm yourself”
“you don’t even know me Louis and anyway why would you even care to know all this. We have two separate lives to live. We don’t know each other so don’t you think its better if we try and mind our own businesses?” I say trying not to tell him any reason. I actually did not know what to say. Right now I did not know what was going inside my head.
“what do you mean mind your own business. U told me I was ur friend, so now this becomes my business too” he says with anger in his tone.
“only friends” I say standing up from my seat on the couch and picked up the bowls and headed to the kitchen.
“fine if you don’t wanna tell me. Right now I can only imagine a day when I’ll return home and you’ll be lying in a pool of blood in your bathroom and the next moment I’ll be screaming and the ambulance and you know what not will be here” he says standing up.
“hey that’s not even going to happen” I react immediately as I hear him say that.
“huh. As if. I don’t think I can trust over that” he says heading towards his room.
“yeah I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. I’ve promised somebody. This was the last one” I shout as I really wanted him to know that I was not going to harm myself anymore.
“oh so there’s atleast ‘somebody’ who knows” he says with a different attitude. This was a ‘I don’t care’ attitude of his which really showed he cared but I did not want him to be in trouble.
“Zayn knows it” I say as I stood in front of him far away beside the kitchen table as he was standing next to his room door.
“I don’t care” he says. Something inside me hurt when he said those words and finally entered his room banging the door close.
I washed the dishes and went into my room. I know this was a bit horrifying if you get to know that the person you live with hurts himself and you can’t do anything about it. But I did not want to make him worried about all this.
What was he upto? Really, he is so unpredictable. Does he even know what he’s doing to himself?
I don’t care now. He does not want me to know, I’m not going to ask anymore about this. It’s done. I now am damn sure he’ll never tell me. Fine don’t, I don’t even want to know. Atleast zayn knows about the shit he’s done to himself. Yeah I don’t even know him so why in the world would he tell me his secrets. We were only titled friends. We actually live like two strangers here. So its okay. If he comes to me and tells me by himself, I’ll just listen to it and my job will be done. I won’t comment I won’t say anything. Just nothing.
I was lying on the bed thinking stuff which was not supposed to matter me but it somehow did. The next morning when I woke up, it went by all on time. I enter the bathroom and stood in front of the sink staring at myself in the mirror. I don’t know what made that thought enter in my head but when my eyes reached my lips, the thought of somebody kissing them hit my head. That thought made butterflies dance in my stomach. My eyes fluttered at the thought of he kissing me so passionately that day .
It was harry who did that I still did not know what the reason was but I really wanted to know. I’d rather ask him in the evening then.
I did the rest of the stuff and got out of the room ready. I went into the kitchen and made cereals for myself. I looked at the watch n it was 8:45 right now. there wasn’t any sign of harry. Maybe he is still asleep. I pick up my bowl of cereals and head towards his room. The door was slightly open and I peeped in after knocking. He was still sleeping.
Isn’t he getting late for work? I enter the room and walk to his bed where he lay on his stomach and the covers covered only his lower back and legs. His hand was hanging through the side of the bed. Those tattoos on his body were now shinning. there was a rose tattoo on his arm. It looked so pretty. Actually, if I started counting the tattoos I would lose count. There were so many and every single looked pretty on him.
“harry? Harry? Get up harry, your already late” I say in a low tone as I shook his shoulder slightly.
“let me sleep “ he mumbled as he brushed away my hand.
“c’mon your already late harry. Get up” I say again. But instead he dug his head into the pillow and pulled the covers over his head.
“I took bites of my cereal and again tried to wake him up. This time I pull the covers as I snatch it away, only exposing his bare body with boxers, to the sun. ‘he slept only in his boxers’. I got to know this one wonderful thing about him in the morning.
“oopsiee” I say as I shrug and threw the covers back over him. The next moment harry’s eyes
shot open as he sat up on his bed.
“whyyy…why do you have to …do that Louis” he says yawning. As he got up to sit back covering his lower body with the cover.
“as a matter of fact u need to get up coz if you don’t know I wasted my 20 mins on you. And now I’m late”
“sorry” he says as he yawns again and brushed his curls aside as they were falling on his forehead. “can I ask you one thing Louis” he asks as I walked to the door to leave the room..
“sure” I say turning around.
“do you love seeing me naked?” he asks me rubbing his eyes and then looking straight at me.
“what-what do you mean haz?” I was so confused. wHat did he just ask me?
“that do you love seeing me naked? That’s a simple question I suppose”
“for now you can take it, maybe as a yes” I say coz the way he was playing with me in the morning I too wanted to. “but why do u want to know that?”
“coz two of the three times you’ve entered my room you’ve seen me that way. And it seems that your liking it and I wasn’t wrong.”
“yeah you weren’t”I say shrugging but rather I was smiling. I look at him and I see him getting off his bed throwing away the covers.
“I heard you wanted to know me louis” he says as his bare exposed body, taller than mine starts approaching me. My feet trembled a bit when I saw him walking toward me. Right now in front of a tall body I was feeling so small.
“you heard right. But where are you going ?”
“nowhere. You wanted to know me so I’m just telling you who I am’’
“this way?” I say raising my eyebrows. There was only a few feet difference between us and that made me nervous. The bowl of cereals fell off my hand onto the floor.
“why? I suppose you like it.” He says in a lower tone as only a few inches were left between us.
“harry—“ the next moment I was pinned onto the door as his hands were on the door beside my face. He leaned against the door. He wasn’t touching me. But the hot breath touched my skin every second which could make anybody’s mind go haywire. There was just a few centimeters difference between us.
“harry, harry I’m not a girl “ I say as my lips start to shake. I kind of guessed what he was upto again.
“when did I tell you I like girls?” as his right hand traced my jawline and his eyes stared at my lips.
“please leave me harry I’m getting late” I say but my breath was speeding up. I shifted in my place to find a gap between us from where I could escape.
“Louis- look at me Louis. Please” he says as a frown appeared onto his forehead. “you wanted to know me right?. So here just hear me. I don’t like girls. I don’t like pussies. I like guys. I like men. U understand? I like men. I like to suck dicks” his tone was getting lighter with every word that escaped his mouth. While he was telling me the whole thing about he liking guys my breath kind of choked me. His glare did not shift the whole time from my eyes. Nor did I remove my eyes away from him.
His hand was now back onto the door beside my face.
“can I ask you a thing?” I say whispering
“yeah” he whispered back
“why did you kiss me that day?” I finally asked him. I knew I decided to ask him in the evening but I asked him. I couldn’t stop the urge.
“I don’t know something made me. I’m sorry if that hurts you. But my whole time from the past two years were spent like hell and I needed it. So-“ he says clarifying.
“oh well, umm yeah .. then.. I suppose… something ---“ I say sighing at the end seriously not knowing what to say. ”i think I’m seriously late” I say looking at my watch.
“yeah me too” he says smiling as he shifted away from me. “hey but first please shut the door
I’m leaving now” I shout as I walk out of the room as soon as I was left free. I picked up my bag from the couch, wore my shoes and ran out of the house took the elevator, ran to the car. Pulled out making the screech sound and within two minutes I was driving towards the bakery smiling. Yeah I was smiling.
The day which went by had to be busy!! Christmas being the reason. And yeah I knew I wasn’t going to get a free day until Christmas gets over followed by the new year. The bakery “MR. BAKERS” was one of the best bakeries in that area. I got to know this when I saw herds of people entering and exiting the whole day and there feedbacks.
And yes I had made some new friends here in the shop. There was this guy who stood beside me on the pastry counter. His name was Carl Thompson. He was such a nice person to talk to. So full of humor but some of them just killed me when they hit. He was just a fine gentleman. If you stayed with him the whole day I’m damn sure nobody could get bored even if he cracked the same joke a thousand times.
He would just make my day at the shop go easy for me and not only me but everybody liked him in the shop. Even the customers, they were so frank and friendly when they talked to him. Nobody could even think of hurting such a nice man.
The thought of hurting made my thoughts shift to harry’s. Why in the world did he had to do such stuff. What made him do that? And as for him disclosing who he was kind of a hard step he took. Last night he told me we were ‘just friends’ and we were supposed to mind our own businesses and here in the morning he tells me he was gay. As for him being gay I was totally fine with it. But the way he told me that he did not like girls and he was fond of guys and stuff. I mean with the emotion he said and he giving me the reason for why he kissed me that day didn’t actually convince me coz he just kissed me coz he needed it? I don’t know what it going to be staying with this guy but for some reason I wanted to know more about him and stay with him. I wanted to be more than just friends with him. I wanted to hear him talk his heart out. Everytime he talked to me he would constrict himself and that is not what kind of thing I wanted to stay between us.
All these thoughts made me wonder how selfish I was being from the past few years. Comparing what I went through and what he is going through is totally different in levels. I can never think of harming myself. But harry. This made me worry about him a little more. The thing I said last night about me returning home and find him lying in a pool of blood some day was actually true. Yeah this thought will always haunt everytime I would ring the door bell and he doesn’t come early to unlock the door.
How much selfish was it for me think to think no one could go through what I went through. It seemed like I was the only one suffering. But no. I thought maybe somebody could help me find myself the way I had lost it. And I knew nobody could help me. But somehow I trusted harry. Maybe he was a nice person to bring me back from where I had long lost. But what, he himself is in a place he doesn’t even know and it was going to be a tough struggle helping him find his way back to life and just love it in a newer and a better way.
For sometime I had forgotten about myself and my suffering. It was only harry’s hurt and
sadness. I had made sure I was going to bring him back from somewhere he was lost and make him love himself coz he was truly worth it and a man like him deserved it. It was no more about me.
The whole day had gone thinking about how all this was going to happen but I was sure it will.
Right now I was pulling out my car from the parking and heading to our house. It was a great feeling inside me which made me smile that I was going to be the one who will GOD, my GREEK GOD find their way back to life. When I reached home and rang the door bell as I stood in the corridor for him to open the door I was greeted with a huge smile. For a second the thought about he lying in a pool of blood had entered my head but vanished as the door clicked open within a few seconds.
Inside me I knew lives where going to change. Not only one but two. Somehow I knew if I help him find his way back maybe I will find myself in the journey coz where harry had reached was a place much much farther than the place I had reached.
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