LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


"Where have you been? I was about to call Dr. John to ask him if he knew something.. Are you doing good?" Dr Sabrina always smiles when you meet her. She's like this goddess you want to worship just because it's so nice to see her all the time and all the pretty little things she tells you about life. It's like she knows everything even before you speak.


"Hello to you too"


She smiles, chuckles suddenly, her black hair covering her forehead. "I'm sorry..I'm just excited to see you really..." She smiles widely and I smile back at her. "Hi Harry. How
have you been?"


"I've been good. Great even! How have you been?"


"I've been great too" she sits on her chair, rolling it lightly, leaning back and observes me. Sitting there she's looking at me like she's just thinking, wondering what I'd do next.


"If this is a staring contest, we need to start again." I sit back too.


"It's nothing..." She smiles, laughing a little. "We've never sat this calmly before. You are actually getting better..." She smiles wide. "C'mon now. Tell me about your life. How's it going?!" She seems excited. Too curious to know about what going on in my life.


"Wow doctor. Just wow. Can you stop with questions already?"


"No. I'm curious. Tell me.."


"You know everything. What else do you wanna know?"


"I think I have to ask direct questions from now on. How's everything with your boyfriend? How's Mr. Louis? " she just had to do that. My body heated up instantly. It's a warm rush of blood through my body in a second and all the heat is rising up to my face. I'm fidgety and blushing. I'm more than just sure my face is red. I most probably look like a tomato.


"We're good..." I speak. It feels like I could go on and on about him but something caught my tongue.


"Oh my God! You guys are back. Wow. Congrats."


"Thanks" I say sheepishly.


"Okay then.." She picks up the file and takes out her notepad.


"How has your recent week been? You got good sleep?"


"Oh! If you wanna talk about my recent week then, God!" I pause, "Please don't. It's been one of the worst and the best I could think off."


"Okay. Best, I know why. What about worst?" She clicks her pen and starts writing down stuff.


"Worst because after getting so much better, I could get myself to jump off a cliff. I actually think I would've done it." Seriously considering, I would have, if my phone hadn't rung.


"Why?" She looks worried.


"If I think about it now, it seems stupid.." I chuckle, "it really did...offing myself because of a person...but then when I over think about it, I thought that maybe if I couldn't be better without him, it was best I was going to kill myself..."


She sighs, "Okay. It's nice that you're attached to him, for the better part. But you say it yourself Harry, that it's stupid to kill oneself because of some person. Why do you contradict it?"


”It's easy. Just because I over think stuff... I shouldn't do it but I do. My life is just revolving around a person. Even before, it was just that. I had nothing else to do. Nothing. Like traveling the world, make music, go to concerts and stuff like that. Nothing. I just constantly need this person with me. To be by my side. I feel helpless without him and it's the best fuckery I can get myself into. Isn't it?" Yes. It's correct and I mean, I know how much people crave to do other stuff, even if alone, and they can't do it because reasons. I don't even have an excuse for this. I don't have dreams, goals to achieve. Nothing. I'm just a blank page waiting to be written or crumpled up.


"So now when you finally have the chance to be with the person, you say your world revolves around, would you think about setting your goals, making music, traveling the world? Would you think about it again?" She stops writing down and looks up all serious and stuff.


"Uhh.." I never thought about it this way. Maybe now, I do have a chance, if I think about it. Maybe like what she's saying I have all the time and the person in the world to think about it, "I don't know really..I'll have to think about it. I've actually never thought about it.."


"Okay" she shrugs, "but you must've thought about it, sometime. Because.. you know when you're with someone or you want to be with someone, you imagine scenarios with them. All kinds of, from fantasies to kids to old age to starting a business together to making dishes to touring to living together to being happy to fighting...you imagine life with them. What have you imagined?" She sits there smiling.



I wanna laugh at this because I haven't thought about this and now that I do, there is nothing, I'm blank, "Even before I got a chance to breathe in his scent, he was already crying on my shoulder. So I didn't have to think about or imagine them, I saw my life happening with him. I saw it everyday...I see it everyday" I scoff, "Only I know how I spent this last month without him, being so addicted to his presence, only I know how I'm sitting here alive...” I chuckle, "...and yes I tell him all the time that people don't make us miserable...hell, I know people can.."


"So you should be happy he's here. Aren't you?"


"I am more than happy. More than I can tell you...I feel stronger somehow.." I say.


She smiles automatically, "You feel strong? Would you place blind trust in his hands?"


"If it comes to that, I might" I shrug, it's true, I would, probably.


"Is it because you have a habit of trusting people blindly or is it because you actually feel that bond between you both?"


I smile. She knows me so well, "I stopped doing what you're accusing me of. I don't do blind trust now or that is what I believe. And here, it's because we're growing. We're both growing on each other. I understand him more now than I have ever. I love him. I proposed to him when he was leaving me...it was more indirectly"


"One second" she pauses and the next second her eyes almost pop out of the sockets, "what? You tackled him at the weakest point, Harry. That's not healthy" she looks concerned, "if he's in this relationship just because you make him feel guilty for leaving you, then I'm going to advice you to leave him when there's still time"


"No!" Is she misunderstanding me? She definitely has, "you're completely misunderstanding me. I left him after that. I was a mess. I told you I was thinking about jumping off a cliff. I was so ready if he hadn't called... I wasn't in anyway trying to make him feel guilty. I know it's his choice. I can't force someone to stay if all they want is to leave.."I'm kind of angry at her for this because for a moment I believed she knew me so well then why would she judge me like that?


"It's good" she says simply and starts writing down stuff again. Ugh. If she could stop that already.


"What? What's good?" I'm angry. So angry. She judged me.


"That you know a relationship is a two way process. A process of equal sharing, equal giving, equal loving. Not just one sided. It can't be. If you feel strong then he should too. If you feel he's trustworthy then he should feel that too..even when you're dependent you feel independent."


I knew that. Like kind of. Well, I know how one sided love ends. Who else would?


"Do you still get nightmares?" Woah.. talk about changing topics.


"No. Not recently. Like I would say, two weeks back. When Louis was gone and all that. "


"Okay "


"But I want to tell you something."


"Yes"


I begin saying ,"The nightmare was about Louis." I whisper, as I bend forward placing my hands on the desk, because if I say this loud its going to be true I guess, "Like kind of..like..Louis was doing the...the Nick stuff.." My stomach just turned.


"Why are you whispering?" She frowns.


She ignored my thing, "Whats more important is that you tell me this wasn't real than asking me why I'm behaving like this"


"You probably wish you could erase that nightmare because more than Nick bothering you, you wish Louis doesn't turn out like him. You're just unsure." She gives me a knowing look. "You fear that if you come out of your PTSD, somehow again this nightmare becoming might become real? With Louis. Is it that?"


I nod frantically because she just put her finger on the right spot. She's intelligent. "You're way too intelligent doctor. I wish I had your brains somehow" I giggle. "And not in a psychopathic way" I laugh again.


"I take it as a compliment" she smiles.


"You're welcome"
She smiles and then picks up her pen, scribbles stuff down for about a minute and hands me a prescription. "Changing your dose. You can now have lighter gram medicine"


"Ohhh" I say, exciting, "I need more uh...um Nicotine patches.." I ask, hesitating.


She writes me another prescription, "okay" she sighs. "Tell me something personal now. You ready? Don't feel offended. It's my job to ask and make you feel comfortable before I ask you this"


"Okay" I nod.


"Are you sexually active?" She's asks, plain simple face.


I've never answered her this question she asked me on my first day here, "No" I simply state, shrugging.


She frowns at my answer. "Why?"
"Does your boyfriend hesitate?"


"I'm the one who hesitates. Not him. He's the one who keeps on joking about everything. He's tried more than a few times, I'm the one who backs out in the middle of it" I look at my hands when I answer her this.


"So you haven't had a talk?"


"We've had it. He knows why I do that"


"And why is that?"


I feel ashamed now. I've lied enough number of time to her about my situation. I don't even look at her when I say this, "Because I've never had it with a guy before" I suck at lying. Even Lou knows that.


"So you haven't told him yet. You're leading him on, do you know that?" She seems angry, a little. But maybe that's how she looks when she's calm.


"He's very understanding. He gets it." I say lowly.


"That's not what I'm asking here. You're falsely leading him on, with the expectations he has from you. Don't do that. He's going to end up in a mess, you're going to be a mess and you both are probably going to hate on each other and all other men and you're going to form opinions about people you meet in the future. Or maybe he will find someone else later on and if you go on like this, being uncomfortable with the only person who you want to be with, the rest of your life, you're going to not be happy"


"I love him too much to hurt him. He's going to be hurt when I tell him." it's not even sad when I say this. It's like something familiar. Like I'm stating it as a fact. Like it's an actual fact published on the internet, which says Louis will get hurt.


"He stayed for you, Harry. He stayed. Where do you think you can find someone like this? In a world so selfish, he's special. You are special. Don't ruin something that you have between you both, so pure and innocent like teenager love, with something that you think is better hiding. It can have a greater impact on both of you if you face it. Do it." She says so calmly, I actually wanna tell him now.


"I'm actually gonna try, now" I want to tell. She's right. What we have is special. He stayed. He stayed. He stayed. He stayed. He fucking stayed.


In fact in actual sense, he didn't leave. Do you get that right in your head? He didn't leave me. He didn't leave me. He didn't fucking leave me. And if I do this shit with him, keep him cheated by not telling him my actual status of life, then I guess I deserve to be treated as same as a person who commits adultery.


I get it now. I get it. If someone did something so huge for me, then how am I supposed to keep him in the dark, in the shadow of lies. How can I do that to such a pure soul? A soul of an angel. How?


"Okay I get it" I announce. "I'm going to tell him"


She looks at me surprised, "And when did you decide that? Like right now?"


"Yes" I nod, "he deserves it. Doesn't he?" I shrug.


"More than you know" she smiles genuinely.

Notes

tell me if you like it or not. tell me if you expected the story would turn this way or what way do you expect it to turn or do i surprise you?

anything!

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lots of love!

ps: congo to liam being daddy!! harry's music is finally here!! louis and steve are bros!!