LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


When I enter in its the most beautiful person I've ever seen sitting on the bed, his legs spread straight in front, overlapping each other. He has his glasses on, which are just resting at the tip of his nose. He's reading something. If maybe he's just pretending, who knows? All I know is, he's beautiful and he deserves everything he's ever wanted.


Neither does he look up from the book nor has he shifted or done anything since I've entered in. Maybe he's ignoring me for all I know.


I clear my throat.
"Yes?" He says looking up through his glasses in the most sexy and sassy way that's possible or that he can pull off. Even though he said it in that way it seemed as if honey poured down his throat and his voice sounded sweet.


"Nothing. I like your room. Has this been yours since the beginning?"


"You can sit though, wherever you please. You don't have to like my room just because it's mine.." he looks back at the book after his mocking session. He's reading this book by rupi kaur. She's a poet. She's a good one, I've heard her. I too own a copy of the book he's reading.


"Why would I want to do that?" That's so absurd.


"Because it's mine?" He shrugs not looking up, "..do you want to impress me now? By liking this room? Do you want to impress me? I don't get it anyhow.." He sighs loud enough. Looking visibly frustrated so much so that he's ruining the side of the book with his clenched fist.


"I'm not trying to impress you. You don't need me or anyone for that matter to impress you. You're fine as it is.." he doesn't look up but he sighs, "Aren't you liking it here?"


"What has that got to do with you? What can you do about it? What will you actually even do?" He's getting hyper and I can sense that. I haven't moved from my spot since.


"What do you want me to do?" I ask him as politely and patient as I can be. I want to give him his time. I'm still standing, I haven't sat down yet.


"I don't know, you tell me.." he's crushing the hem of the book so hard I'm afraid he might just tear the book into half. What is it that's making him so irritated and frustrated?


"Well you mentioned not liking it here yesterday more than four times and right now all I can think of is why are you here when you don't want to be. We've had this talk I know, I understand your reasons, every single one of them but you can't control things Louis. None of us can."


"That's all? That's all you've got now? That i'm a control freak. That's all you can insult me with" He sighs shaking his head. One moment he thinks I'm impressing him and one moment he thinks I'm trying to insult him. Why in the world will I do that? He's crushing the book again and his knuckles are turning white.


I walk upto the bed and sit beside his spread out legs and he immediately folds them. I move closer to his knees. I just want to be where he is. I just want to feel the same thing he's feeling right now. I want to see his facial expressions as clearly as I can.
"I'm just giving you advice. I can't control what you do or end up doing"


"Am I asking for advice?" He looks up his eyes droopy. Like he hasn't had sleep in days.


"I don't know. Most people ask for advice when they already have an answer but they're looking for a different one, you know just so that they can end their inner turmoil" I shrug, my palm moves to rest on his knee and he looks up again, flinching like he always does.


"So you think I'm fooling around with you? That's all you think of me? So little?" He narrows his eyes when he stresses on little. I didn't mean what he meant I was saying. I was just speaking in general.


"I'm glad you said 'think'. I'm glad because I do think about you. I do think about you a lot and I miss you a lot. I've missed you so much in the past month that i feel like missing you is all I am and I don't think i can live with just missing you. I need you with me." Seriously I am so overwhelmed right now I could speak about him all night if he wants me to. "And you say little? I think about you too much and it's nothing compared to little in anyway." I squeeze his knee lightly and he looks at my hand and then again looks at me. His face changes a little. Very little if I hadn't been paying attention I would've missed it. But I'm too far away from missing anything he does right now. He has all of my attention, every bit of it.


"I'm.." He begins his neck tilting and he's holding the book by both his hands now and he's squeezing it so much he's reduced it half it's size. His chest rises when he speaks, "I'm sca-red.." he chokes.



"Louis..." My hand immediately moves to his thigh and other just holds his upper arm.


"No Harry, no." He shakes his head, "don't touch me. Don't touch me because when you do all I can think about is you. You are everything and you are so much when you're around and I get so much involved in you.." He chokes again his voice becoming heavy. "It's just.." He looks at me his shoulders clenching and his fist squeezing the book to nothing, "it's just you're so much and I'm not sure if I am anything. I'm scared because maybe i don't deserve someone like you. Because I come with a lot of baggage, Harry and I'm not sure if you need to share my baggage. I hope.." He chokes up his eyes watery, "you understand? Don't you?"


"Louis I do understand. I do. Every single word. I get it. Baggage? Everybody has baggage, their priorities set, I don't want you to change that because of me. I'll take you as it is, as you are" I pause, I feel as if I hurt him so much that he's scared of being with me, "But am I hurting you? Have I hurt you in some way? I'm sorry if I did, I swear it wasn't intentional. Just tell me. Let's talk it out, no matter how bad. No matter how ugly it gets. Let's just talk it out. Please. Because I can't keep making sense of things I don't know about.." If he's ready to spill his guts I'm ready too. I've probably spilled everything I can in this situation and he also needs to.


"I don't know what to tell you Harry." His face is wet but he wipes it, gaining all the strength he can. "It's just I am tired of all this. Tired of taking care and being the strong one in situations which don't even need me. All of these people. Every single one. From Mum to Mark, they look at me like I can save them.." He hiccups, "how are people saved? I don't even know. Mark asked me to take him with me when I go. Where do I go? I don't even know if I'm going.." He sighs heavily. If I could just tell him not to worry about it. But I don't deserve to because I've never been in such a situation. If I could tell him that people find their own ways. No one can help anyone.


"Louis I don't know what to tell you here. I wish I could take you out of your turmoil. I wish I had so much sense in me to talk all this grown up but I guess I don't have it. But all I know is until and unless we love and we are loved each of us is alone and each of us is deeply lonely. Love is simple. That's all we need. That's all humans need..." This message sounds like some shitty thing not real kind of and all bookish but trust me when you're lonely when you think if you had someone to talk to, you get the meaning. You understand it. You don't get it until you've been through it.


"You say it like it's so simple." He smiles his neck tilting backwards, "its like you think I can leave and not regret that I left people, family counting on me.." he chuckles sadly.


"I'm not saying that Louis. I'm not. Not in any way" I stress out. Fuck man I'm not saying that. I don't mean what he's thinking.


"Arghh.." He screams throwing the book away so strong it goes and hits the dresser. I'm taken aback all of sudden by his actions. I didn't expect him to do this, "harry I don't know...I don't know harry" he clenches his jaw and his hands are in his hair and he's moving in his place to and fro.


"Louis what's the matter? Why can't you just tell me? Just say it. It gets better. It always does. Say it.." He doesn't budge but he's still shaking sitting in his place and everytime I touch him he just flinches away. He still has his glasses on and I take them off his nose. He flinches again but I do it anyhow. I keep them on the night stand.


"It's okay if you want to cry it out Louis. I won't stop you" I rub his knee. Seriously it's okay.


"The fact that I cry in front of you doesn't mean I will cry every chance I get. I don't like crying, if you haven't figured it out yet. I don't okay, if you haven't already guessed tha-t" he's literally shaking trying to stop himself from crying, "it's embarrassing that I do that. It..it makes me feel all...weak and sympathetic and it's..it's sick that I make myself available for sympathy." His face his wet and why is he even saying all this? It's perfectly fine with me if he wants to cry. I wouldn't mind calming him down even though I suck at it. And anyways crying doesn't mean whatever he's feeling about it. It's just you take out all the frustration inside you.


"Louis..Louis please don't say this.." I shift closer, "it's okay to cry and not ask for sympathy and I know you don't.." He cries even harder when I say this but I know he's trying not to.


"Fuck you Harry! Fuck you.." He looks at me his eyes all red and his lips have now turned pink and his nose red. He's angry, I get it, but I'll never force him to things he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't want to come with me I guess then it has to end here. "You don't even know how badly I want to run away from here. You won't get it and even if you do...even if you do Harry, I don't know what you would've done in my place. It hurts. I know you said before everyone helps themselves out. But I get this sense of responsibility for them. Even when mom is here. Even Dan, he's here. But I somehow do..."



"It's okay if you feel that. I won't force you to do what you don't want to.." He looks up again suddenly. His face has now turned into hurt. Into this confusion I can't understand. He frowns, shaking his head into a no. It's physically not acceptable for me to even look at him like this. fuck. My heart is actually in pieces.


"Do you love me?" He asks wiping his face. His face isn't wet anymore. I don't know if
he's given any thoughts to what he just asked me.


"Yeah. Of course Louis I love you. Why do you think I'm sitting here instead of driving back...?" This question has made me a little angry.


"Then leave.." it felt as if he just slapped me. my heart couldn't have been broken into more tiny pieces. What the fuck is he saying? Is he out of his mind? Doesn't he know I'm sitting here literally fighting and begging him to come with me?


"Are you out of your mind Louis? I get it you're doing this for your family but what the hell? Can't you see I'm sitting here instead of driving back when my sister is about to land in a few hours? I'm literally fighting for you from yourself..." My hands are on his waist and I don't even know what the fuck he just asked me because I'm shaking.


"I don't think you should be fighting anymore.."


"But I want to. You're worth fighting for Louis and I'm begging you here. Don't do this.."


"Don't make this anymore difficult" he makes me remove my hand from his waist.


"I've never fought for anybody Louis. No one. Why are you doing this?"


"You never had anyone before me. You don't know how it feels"


"Huh..?" He doesn't know but he has to I guess, "I did Louis. I had someone long ago. But I never felt like fighting for him. I never did. I wouldn't do that for anyone else but you Louis...'"


"You don't know that.." He sighs his voice shaking, "y-ou.. you said you just dated a girl. Now he?" He says this so brokenly and slowly. You might just want to hold him when he says this then.


"This is not the time louis-"


"What? When is the time then?" He gets hyper all of a sudden looking at me like I took something from him and never returned it, "why do you think we have so much time in our lives? We don't Harry. Not us. When will I ever get another chance to talk to you, I don't know. Maybe this is it. This is where it ends. Who knows!"


"Why are you saying all this...?" it hurts me so much right now that I might just start crying with what all he said to me. Oh my god! fuck!


"Just tell me who this he is!" He shouts.


"Stop shouting!!" I scream back. But I calm myself. "I don't like it when you do that. You wanna know who this he is?"


"Yes.." he nods frantically, "don't lie to me like that all the time. I don't like that too"


"I don't lie to you Louis. Keeping things to oneself isn't lying. But anyway, I dated Nick Grimshaw back when I was a teen. It was just a few days thing. Nothing more. We both did some terrible things and things ended"


"Is that why he keeps coming around me knowing I took you?" He says this so innocently you might wanna kiss him all over his face.


"No! Yes! I don't know really why he keeps coming around. It's been more than a million times I've told him to back off. I don't know what to do about him."


"Report him to the police"


"I don't want to talk about him, Louis. If you haven't figured it out yet."


"What do you wanna talk about?"


"I don't know what broke you Louis. Neither do I know when or how. Things happen in our lives at an age when it's impressionable and we're foolish enough for it to let it make us miserable. I mean I know I loved you the day you walked into my house and I still do but if you're just going to let me walk away like this without explanations I'm not even sure if you will ever see me again after this then.."


He looks angry at me suddenly, "Why the fuck do you always say that? Is that kind of a threat? That you'd kill yourself if I don't come with you.?"


"No! What? No! Louis..I didn't mean that. No never. I'm never going back to that. I told you..I've promi-"


He frowns looking angry and his eyes turning red again, "Then don't say what you don't mean to. You hurt me okay? You hurt me so much back then I didn't know I would see you again because I know the things you're capable of. I knew if I would've had a little closer look at Carl, when he was still here maybe he'd be alive today. Maybe I'd have helped him out, talked to him, something. Just something and he'd be alive today...a whole person Harry.." he starts to cry. "Only if I would've been there for hi-m.." He cries his face covered with his hands. "And when I left you I was so scared every day, every minute, like I don't know, you might just do something harmful. I was so scared, I asked the downstairs guard every day if he'd seen you just to be sure...you don't know Harry what a relief it was to see you at the party..looking physically okay." He smiles, his eyes still making the tears fall.


"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. I'm sorry. I don't how sorry I have to be to not make you feel like that. I don't know but I know that i would not repeat anything like that.."


"Never. Just don't. I don't know what our future holds Harry but don't repeat this shit even when you're sad or angry or anything. I care about you so much. Don't do it, for your sister atleast. Don't.."


"I promise. I promise you Louis. I wouldn't.."


"Thanks. You know there were days when you weren't here, I thought maybe I'd never meet you again. Never. I wouldn't be able to talk to you and you'd be gone to someone else even before I get the chance. I cried nights in my car thinking about those times and there came this moment I didn't remember why I was angry at you. Why I left. I couldn't ever get myself to answer it."


"Then when I'm finally here you're asking me to leave? Why Louis?"


"If only I knew.." he sighs looking at the ceiling pressing his lips in a thin line.


"Why can't you just give a proper fucking reason for me to leave? Is that so difficult? After you've said things about me leaving already, is that so difficult?!" The anger inside me is boiling because why the fuck is he giving me mixed signals? It's so difficult when your head wants to explode.


"Don't be angry" he pleads his eyes narrowing, "I can't handle all this anger from you.. No more.. not from you.."


"Then what is that you want from me?!!" Fuck I'm almost screaming at him and he flinches when I say this. He curls up into a ball pulling his knees in and resting his head on them.


He's crying sobbing his eyes out and I don't know if I should sooth him or just stand up and leave, "Don't cry on me now Louis. Talk to me. I need you talk to me and not give me mixed signals."


He mumbled something and I don't get what he says. I rest my hand on his back and his body clenches, "I love you, ple-ase don't leav-e..." is what he repeats still squeezed in. My heart raced when he said that. It's so hard to believe what he's saying because one moment he's telling me to leave and next moment I'm on my knees for him.


"What is it?!" I'm at the verge of a breakdown now. If this game he's trying to play goes on anymore longer I'm walking away. I don't want to. I'd rather die than walk away but maybe I love him too much to do that. He's dancing between his brain and heart and if he's not sure himself what am I supposed to do? I don't know but if he thinks it's okay to play with my feelings while he's so confused about his then I can't let him walk over me. I can't. I've let people walk all over me I can't let this happen again. Not when it's about Louis. "Don't play this game with me Louis. I can't take it. If you want me to stay then, say it and if you want me to go, say it. But be s-ure.." I'm at the verge of crying. If this doesn't end right now I'm walking out.


"This is not a g-ame" he mumbles again his face still in his knees. "You think I'm do-ing this because I can?!" He looks up suddenly his eyes red and face wet and his lips trembling.


"Then tell me what you want for sure. Don't go on like..."


"Please understand... It's hard for me to sit in front of you and think about my family. Because it's you. Everything is you Harry. All I think about is you.." He hiccups, "I don't want to be like my dad and leave them like this here... like he left mum and I back then.." He doesn't look at me when he says this. Probably because I know how much his family means to him and how he didn't have a male senior who would understand him in every aspect he wanted to be understood in. I know he is embarrassed about his dad leaving him and I hurt him back when I said he learnt leaving from his dad and he never wants to be that person. Never. He'd give up everything else if he has to, just to not be his dad.


He finally says it I guess. This is what he meant all along. He doesn't want to be his dad. "You're never going to be your dad and don't put others lives in front of you and think it counts as love. Yes you love them but loving also means doing what is good for the both of you. It's a mutual thing Louis. And you think your family is miserable without you here? No! No one is miserable without anyone. It's about surviving. Surviving happy..with your loved ones, making it worthwhile..."


I don't know he's looking at me like I said something which struck him suddenly but I don't know why he's looking at me like that. "..so if I leave them here they're going to be good without me?" He asks me so innocently as if I was the one who made 'rules of living happily'.


"Don't say leaving. You're not leaving. It's just you're going to live with what you please to do, at the same time caring as much as you want about your family. I mean what else can I say here if you don't get what I'm saying?..I'm sitting here like some old bloke whose blabbering stuff.."


He suddenly holds my wrist, carefully as he can. He looks at me his eyes still watery but not red. "Do you think I'm going to be my dad?" His lips tremble when he says this. This is the most vulnerable and beautiful Louis I've ever seen and fuck I want to just hug him and kiss him in this moment and tell him he is so much better than his dad. So much better than what he thinks about himself and so much more deserving and awarding then he makes himself feel like. He is everything heavens are made of. He's always scared of being this naked in front of anyone, even me and if he has, I mean, God! I feel bad all of a sudden becasue he's giving me his 100% as he always said and I, I've not even been my 50% to him. I get it. I get it how he's not sure of being with me and why in the first place he ran away from me that night at the beach. I hurt him that day, too much because I called him his dad and I said something he'd never expect and oh my god I ruined him. I hit him in that one spot, with that one thing he wouldn't have expected.


"Tell me Harry.." He moves closer his knee touching mine and his fingers gliding to my palm, "tell me, am I my da-d? " a tear droplet rolls down his cheek.


"Are you..?" I begin almost immediately, "No Louis not in any way" I shift in closer pulling him into a hug and he nuzzles in. Fuck. Louis. I remember exactly, pulling him into an exact same hug for the very first time when he cried his eyes out the first night he stayed at my place. I remember him being all nervous and emotional and needy, exactly the same way he is right now. He's hugging me the same tight way he did the very first time.



Everything is in flashbacks except that back then I did not know I'd fall in love with this guy whose embraced in my arms. Except the fact that I got to kiss him and take care of him and give him more love than he can handle. I love him with all my heart and I know he has all of me and I have all of him and if from this moment he decides not to be able to move with me there I know I'll find a way to move with him. Because I know I can't lose him. Not now. Not when I've embraced a part of him forever. Not when he's changed me into something I'd never imagine to be. Not when I know he's given me the love I always needed but I wasn't sure it ever existed. Not when I know he's everything to me. Not when he makes me feel like heaven ex on earth. Not when I know whenever I see him I own this world. Not when I know that I can spend the rest of my life being with him and loving him and kissing him and taking care of him and doing everything he can asks me of. Not when I've crossed a phase where I wasn't even sure I would live to see another day. Not when he's the reason I am alive right now. These four months have been everything I never hoped for after the four years of hell I've been through. I couldn't have imagined myself being able to talk it out without him.



His teeth are digging in my shoulder and his arms are squeezing me but I don't mind. I don't. He's shaking and I can feel the nervous and loud thumb of his heartbeat against my chest. I wish I was more than capable of calming him down than talking about shity stuff all the time.


I rub his back holding him. I don't even sush him.


When he's a bit silenced I feel like I should ask him stuff I haven't even asked myself before. I've never thought about it but I need to take this risk in this moment because if I don't, I don't know if I get get another chance or not. I don't know if I'll ever in this kind of situation after this. I need to ask him before I've lost this opportunity.


"Do you fancy marrying me, Louis?" I ask my voice not even a bit shaky but sure my heartbeat rate when from 0 to 150 in a second. I mean I haven't decided it myself yet but this is the very first thing I have to ask before I go and think about him even living with me. I mean if he's not even sure about the next day how am I supposed to be sure abut a whole life i'm mentally planning with him.


And maybe he's right, we don't have all the time in the world. Maybe this is the only time we both have.


His hold tightens. He has my shirt squeezed in his fist and his body is all clenched. "What?" he asks his voice barely audible but his mouth being on my neck, I felt him spelling it. "What?" he moves a little away, pulling himself as slowly as he can. "Is this..?" he pulls away completely his face all bewildered and surprised. "Is this a proposal because I'm not fucking ready for it.." his chest rises and settles. "Seriously Harry fuck.."


"No!" I say quickly catching his hands, "No this.. this isn't a proposal.." shit, "I mean this is a proposal but not...fuck.. not what you think..I mean.. fuck fuck.." shit I should've planned this. "I mean I was thinking about something and I mean because... I mean I don't know about you right now, you're probably in a dilemma, you might be able to think better tomorrow when you're all calm and rested. I just hope so.." I squeeze his palms, "I just want to try another time. Just this time, for us. Because we haven't really. I mean we went too deep too early with each other without even going on a proper date and knowing each other's favourite colours or favourite books or shows..it's just... can I hope for us another time?" fuck I mean I don't know what else I must've said here but this is all from the deepest parts of my heart and I really so desperately wanna try here.


He smiles all of a sudden, all sheepish and giddy and cheeky, "All this drama for a date? You could've asked me two months back.." he laughs, . fuck fuck fuck fuck. Louis. Just look at him. It feels as if angels sat on his shoulder right now. The smile I could give up my life for. The smile that could break a million hearts in a second.


"You're staring, bitch" he shrugs smiley his dimples almost showing.


"Will you come with me ?" I ask scared still.


"Do I have to marry you for that?"


"No..i mean eventually if we work out but not if we don't.." I shrug. fuck I know I'm blushing.


"okay" he nods slowly thinking something.


"Okay?"


"y..eah..I mean I'm just trying to be there for Niall's wedding. He expects me to be there I guess.." he says sadly realising something.


"You.." I realize something my smile fading too, so I stop before i ask what I had to ask him, "You coming right now or later..?"


"uhh..I don't know.."he pulls away his hands and I stand up because my sister is actually going to land in an hour and the airport is more than an hour away.


"okay" I say sighing, "I should..I should leave probably because my sister..." my heart is already shattered so I don't know what I else I can break.


"oh yes.. yea.." he gets restless all of a sudden and stands up from the bed getting down quickly, "you should probably..." he clenches his fists, "i mean yeah.."


"Yeah.. " I walk back wards. Fuck I'm not ready for this and I feel so angry and sad because he's not even trying an inch to make me stop because I so desperately want to and I will stay if he says just something. An indication, I just..I would but I can't just force myself on him if he doesn't want me here.


I turn around as quickly as I can I can't look at him anymore. Fuck. I can't let this happen to me anymore. I need to walk away from here. I open the door and when I step out Louis does follow. He follows me downstairs to the door. His mum has probably went to her room but I spot Lottie on the sofa, slouching watching the telly.


She probably heard the door opening so she waves me goodbye from her seat, "Bye Harry!"


"Bye Lottie" I wave and smile back and she fixes herself to the telly again.


"Bye" I squeak and Louis looks at me like I said something wrong like I wasn't supposed to put our separation into goodbye's into proper words. I can't digest the fact that Louis gave up on me and on us and on him, so easily. Louis out of all people. But maybe he's right in what his reasons are. How am I supposed to fucking know when I didn't have a family to fight for?


We both step out and he's standing at his porch steps and when I start to walk away he doesn't follow me so I stop and ask him, "Say something Louis. Don't make this more painful. Doesn't this hurt you?" I sigh, fuck, because it does hurt like physical pain


He looks up at me slowly, his face all fallen and in regret, "I'm scared.." he hugs himself, "I'm scared because even when I'm fighting from myself here, fighting for my family, I'm still gonna be alone here, amidst 7 family members, I'm still gonna be alone. Without you I'm gonna be alone and I'm not ready for this.."


"Then stop me here Louis, I'll move in with you and when I said I wanted to marry you Louis, its fucking true because I will if you let me work all this out. And when I marry you, I'll marry your family with you. I take them as they come Louis. No changes. I move in with no worries.."
It's like I'm fighting a lost battle. All these plans and stuff are all in vain. If only he'd let himself free of his brain and think of his heart


"I'm so sorry Harry. I'm so sorry.." he stands there looking at the ground. I can hear his sobs.


I don't want to say this but, "..you should probably feel sorry for yourself here Louis, because I'm fighting all odds here. You just have to try.." I turn around before I can actually be slapped with one more excuse on my face and another piece of me being left here.


I almost jog away from the porch exiting the gate and beeping the car on and jumping in. I breath not even looking at him because this is so fucking painful only if he could just come with me but I let myself look at him and he's not there. He's not on his porch. He' gone inside I can see his shadow through the window. Fuck.


I cry myself out before I start the ignition.

Notes

its sad i know but lets wait for what happens next!

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