LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
*2nd part of double update*
When I reach home I find the door unlocked. I'm sick of people entering in like that when I'm not here. If this time it is anyone who fucking sneaked in and I get surprised by that they're dead even before they get to breath near me.
I twist the knob again and enter in. It's Zayn, standing in front of me with a glass of water.
"Hi! Take this" he hands me the glass of water before I can even keep my bag aside. "You must be thirsty" this is different.
"Well, as a matter of fact, I am. Why, thank-you" I take the glass and keep my bag aside.
"Do you wanna go with me for a drink? It's been months" he shoves his hands in this pocket. He's nervous by the looks.
"Why, are you taking me on a date?" I turn to go sit on the couch. I chuckle as I watch him sit just in front of me. Not on the couch but on the table. Our knees are at inches length.
"No,.." He speaks, "I just wanted to apologize. Will you please come?" He pleads his eyebrows creasing.
"Apologize?" For what really. I don't remember anything , "why what happened?" I chuckle
"Let me take you out and I'll tell you, please"
"Nope. I have to be sure this isn't some hoax" I shrug.
"It's not a hoax. And why would I do that?" He scoffs.
"Then tell me. Only then" I could my arms.
"Okay." He sighs, "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said I should stay away from Nick" he looks upsetting. A little. I don't know. Has something huge happened?
"What? Why?" I ask him, softly. My palm on his thigh, "is everything okay?"
"Yeah." He looks down, "not really. I lost around $10,000 of what I had invested in the other exhibitions that were coming up next month..."
"Oh!" He shakes a little, "How? What, did you talk to Nick?"
"No! Yes.." He gasps, "like not literally face to face. I got a mail and a letter saying because Nick got fired all the other sponsored artists were being lifted off the contract and no loss whatsoever will be covered by the company..." He lifts is head up, his eyes watery.
"C'mon. That's not possible! You could sue them, Zayn! They can't lift contracts like prior notice.." I hold him by his arms, "you should've called"
"Sue them and lose another $40000? For what?" He sobs, "it's a fucking trick" he bursts his face all wet.
"Hey!" I pull him, "don't cry. It's okay. Happens" I don't even know what to say. I feel so shitty. I should've protected him when I knew Nick would probably do this.
He calms down immediately and pulls away, "I'm such an ass. I should've listened to you. You're always right" he snorts wiling his face.
"No. You're not an ass and yes you should've been a little careful."
"I put everything I had into it and now I have nothing" he sniffles, "nothing!"
"When did this happen?"
"Like last to last week"
"And you're coming to me now!" I slap his thigh and he flinches.
"I'm sorry! I was soo into my own guilt I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even pay my bills."
"You should've at least called." I sigh. "Do you need anything? Like cash or anything?"
"No! No Harry. I managed to sell a few of my paintings online. Thank-you for asking" he squeezes my palm.
"Don't I mean anything?" My depression is hitting me again.
"What? You mean everything to me Harry. Don't ever say that!" He slaps my upper arm. "All I am right now is all because of you" he slaps again.
"I just..don't know" he stands up to sit beside me hugging me sideways. "I was thinking and over thinking all the stuff. I smoked like 2 packets per day. I was in this dilemma desperate in need of something that could help me but also kick the shit out of me for being so greedy. For being such a fucking idiot to believe at he first offer I got thrown" he rests his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I should've been here sooner"
"I know" I melt into his touch. "But it's okay. You were just chasing after your dreams. That's what people do, it's okay" I too had dreams once. When I was 16. Fuck! His hug is making me feel low. But I need it. I need this for my personal selfish reasons. I need this because I'm thinking about what happened three weeks back and my heart is ripping itself out of my chest. I'm bleeding from eyes because fuck I should. He said right. He should've been early. I should've been early in calling Louis and asking him if he was okay and where he was sleeping or was he even eating anything? He said right. Like he was in his own dilemma. I was in my own desperate excuse for not calling him up to ask him about him.
"Hey..." He pulls away. "Are you okay? I'm sorry I did this to you. I trust you so much but I was a coward to not come to you before"
"It's okay" I take sharp breath in, "it's fine. You're here now"
"Are you sure? Let me make it up to you, please?"
"Is the offer still up?" I smile.
The music is so loud it's bursting my eardrums. It's hurts but not more than the rip in my heart and the crack in my soul. Zayn is sitting beside me on the stool tossing shots into his mouth and my vision is so blurry after I tossed like 12 of them already.
"Feel good?" He shouts to make it audible for me but I read his lips.
"Yeahhh!" I scream, "need more.." I tell him and Zayn motions for another 10 shots to the waiter, five each.
He turns to me smile plastered like a fucking sticker. "I'm sorry I didn't ask about Louis. Where is he?" The shots arrive. I'm more interested in the shots than the question.
Zayn turns to pick a shit up and do too. We both toss another one before I answer, "we bro--" I don't know what came over me that I had to toss another one before I answer completely, "He's in Don-caster. He went for his grandfather's fune-ral" i must've slurred so much. If Louis was here, he'd tell me exactly how many times I missed the pronunciation.
"Oh!" He giggles, "I thought I heard you said-'we broke up' " he giggles again. If I remember correctly, I started with that answer.
"Can't this music shutup for a second!" I toss another one. "It's hurting my head!"
"It's perfectly fine!" He shouts over the music. If you shout over the music to talk it's not fine. "Let's go dance. I don't wanna go home alone. I need a warm night" he turns on his stool and hops down eyeing into the crowd. "C'mon!" He shouts "let's go!"
"You go ahead" I shout, "this isn't my type of bar. I'm perfectly okay here" i tap his shoulder.
"As you wish, princess" and he walks away into the crowd his hands in the air.
People deal with sorrows their own way. Look at me I'm drunk, for don't know 7-8th time in a row and it's fucking with my head.
I'm getting bad again and I'm too tired to care. When I got bad years before now, I swear my pain wasn't poetic. It was this, but this more painful, because I didn't fight for him to stay, like I did 4years back when he slapped me across my face and left just to come back for another horror he had to make me go through, I didn't fight for Louis to stay because I never expected him to leave and it's has caused a hole in my heart which I don't know will ever heal.
I have this urge again. To talk to him. To just have a look at his face and sit and admire what he's like. I just wanna do that. I want to sit here and read his lips in slow motion as his background things run fast.
I am craving him. Yes,I'm going to text him. I'll text him. I can't call, he'll know I'm drunk and he'll curse me. But maybe I'll call him. I know or I hope so. I want him to curse me, I'll have anything he gives me, even if it's a fuck.
But I want to get home before I call or text. Because I want to hear his voice in the silent. Not when it's 100 people screaming.
I managed to find Zayn in the crowd and tell him I wanted to leave and that if we could leave early. He agreed though. We took a cab
this ones short.
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LOUIS IS THE DEFINITION OF BRAVERY. I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF MY SON!