Reviews with the Reader

Well I went totally MIA for a month, and I'm very sorry about that. A few days ago I had my wisdom teeth taken out in a surgery, so please excuse any silly mistakes I might make. The meds that I have to take make me extremely tired.

Anyways, I like where this story is headed, but I seem to be kinda left in the dust by it. This could be because so far your fan fiction only has three chapters in it. Although shorter ones are the best ones to read, because you can catch mistakes earlier rather than later.

So first off, I said that I was kind of left in the dust and that is because I feel like your story maybe lacking in detail. I like that you used details to describe something like the leather chairs or the large building, but I want to know the bigger details like what tragic thing happend to her to where she couldn't function very well. I like that readers got a glimpse in to the tragic event, but I don't feel like it was enough.

Next, your conversation between people was sometimes choppy. For an example;

Luke said something along the lines of, " I herd you wanted a job here, em?"

Then Erin responded, " Yes, Yes I am."

This conversation I guess didn't make a lot of sense, but it can easily be fixed. Like when Luke says, "wanted a job" , you could put, "looking for a job". Generally when you have dialogue in a story, sometimes it doesn't make sense. To fix something like this, you have to read the dialogue like you would have a conversation with some one. You coluld save yourself from little mistakes that way.

Other than that I think this story has a wonderful start, and with a little clean up here and there it could be perfect. I also really like that this story has kind of a mysterious past relationship that keeps readers wanting more. You have done a wonderful job so far, and I really hope to see more of this in the future!

Overall rating 7.5

Notes

If you are unhappy with your review please let me know, and I will take it down ASAP. If something may have been confusing or a little off do not hesitate to ask me about it.

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❤Maggie, aka This_Crazy_Girl