Well I can't really lie; your story needs a little work. I know that that may seem a little harsh and cruel, but I know your story won't get better if you don't get constructive criticism. The plot and grammar are what need the most attention, but I think if you re-wrote these parts, this story would be amazing!

I'm going to start with my biggest confusion, which was the plot (if you have not read this story then skip this paragraph it might have quite a few spoilers). I'm going to be completely be honest with you, your plot was a little jumpy and characters randomly came in and out at times. And this happend when: the girl was hit by a car then only got a head ache, The One Direction boys randomly showed up, then all the sudden she was uncle Uncle Si's daughter, then the One Direction boys disappear, and finally KiKi's band played at an extremely popular club. I like the idea of the whole thing, it just needs a little help.

First thing to fixing these type of problems is you have to slow down. Bring your characters in slowly and introduce them properly, and I don't mean like:

"Hi my name is Maggie, and I like pickles."
"Hi my name is Kerry, and I like to play the viola."
"Hi my name is Connor, and I drink coffee 24/7."

You have to introduce them, and give that character some more back story. I didn't realize that KiKi was Simons daughter until like chapter five or a different middle chapter. So you would maybe introduce one or two characters in one chapter and the relation that they have to each other.

A second thing that would help fix your plot confusion is write your chapter ahead of time and see if it makes sense with the rest of your chapters that you have written. This type thing also goes with using a plot map; as in the line that looks like a teepee with the introduction, climax, falling action, and resolution. Just things like this will greatly improve the quality of your writing.

Moving on, your grammar may need a little looking back at. It wasn't bad, but there were some things I would like to point out. The first major one I noticed was capitalization errors. You need to capitalize the first letter of a proper noun which is a name and some others in various cases. You must also capitalize the first letter of each sentence, and yes that goes for quotes too. Then you had a few run on sentences and easy things to fix like that.

And last but not least, some little detail things. What I mean by "Detailed things", is the little things that need to be looked at but can wait too. These are things like typing enter before and after a quotation or speaking part. In your title you have multiple explanation marks, you honestly only need one. And finally when you put your chapters name on the summary page put, "Chapter one" then on the next,"Chapter 2", and so on; then you put a little description under it like the ones you have for titles now. So what it would look like:

1) Chapter One

Introduction

2) Chapter Two
Can't you see?

And so on and so forth. It just makes it easier on the eyes to look at.

Over all you did an okay job, and I liked the ideas you put into your story. I just personally think that you could do better, so if I were you I would maybe rewrite the few chapters you have and make them perfect. Then your story would become maybe one of the best emo type fan fictions out there.

Overall score: 5.5

Notes

If you found something offensive or hurtful to you in my review, please tell me so that I can get it down ASAP and apologize. I hoped I helped with creating a
a better story and other future stories you may write.

❤ This_Crazy_Girl

Sorry for the long wait!
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