Forever Alone
Chapter 5
Oh god I can’t kiss him. I don’t want to lead him on. Don’t get me wrong I really do like him but I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. Judith, it’s been more than a year since you and Steve broke up. Move on Judith! Just do it. Don’t keep him waiting and just kiss him. I can’t. I’m sorry.
You hopped off the stool that you were sitting on and made your way to the couch. You left him alone at the counter. You didn’t want to lead him on. Well that’s depressing. He won’t like you after this. You turned your head and saw him leaving. He looked at you and his eyes looked sad. You watched him as he shut the door behind him. You were ashamed that you ruined that chance. Now he was probably never going to talk to you again, Judith. Nice going.
I’m sorry I ruined everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t kiss him. It didn’t feel like the right moment ya know? It has to be special not rushed. To tell you the truth I like him but I don’t know if I could love him. Judith, you are blinded by your past. You need to move forward ad start again. Learn to love again. Don’t be afraid because when you are afraid you tend to run away from it and not face it head on. Judith, you shouldn’t be afraid of liking someone because your past. The past is the past and you can’t change it. Promise me that you will let go of the past and live for the future. I promise.
You sat next to your friends enjoying the movie when your phone rang. You looked at the caller id and it was your mom. You haven’t talked to your mom since you left to go to school over here. She was mad at you for choosing to finish your education. You thought it was the best decision you have ever made ad you haven’t regretted it since. The main reason you came here was to be away from Steve. He was a person of your past and he lived back home and you always dreaded seeing his face. You couldn’t take living there anymore because you would see him every day. You thought moving here was the best idea and it has been. Maybe it wasn’t because you probably just threw away a potential relationship between you and Niall. Other than that you are fine.
You picked up your phone knowing that if you didn’t she would yell at you. Your mom always finds a way to yell at you. Ever since you were a little kid she would yell and scream at you about the stupidest things. You would just ignore her and let her rant but as you got older you just wanted it all to stop. It’s not like you got to explain yourself. She always jumps to conclusions about you when you do something wrong or like in this instance answer right away. You really don’t want to answer but you have to.
“Judith?” you hear her voice
“Yes,” you answer.
“How is everything?” she asks
“Everything is fine,” hoping that she will end the conversation here.
“How’s your apartment?” she questioned
“Great,” you reply.
“Judith, can we please have a normal conversation?” she asked
“We are,” you answer.
“No we aren’t. I know you are still mad at me. Judith, we need to fix this,” she replied.
“Why fix something that isn’t broken?” you questioned
“Our relationship is broken. We need to fix it. I need my daughter back,” she sounded like she was about to cry.
“I got to go. I’m sorry but I have things to do today,” you replied.
“Judith, please don’t go,” she called out.
“Goodbye mother,” you answered then hung up the phone.
You know they are probably thinking that you are a bitch for hanging up on your mother like that. They don’t know what happened between us. They wouldn’t understand all the pain I went through. They just wouldn’t get it. Well if you were to tell them maybe they would. Maybe they would feel an ounce of sympathy towards you. They will then understand why you and your mother have such a horrible relationship.
-Flashback-
It all started two years ago. She always said that she wanted what was best for me yet she didn’t want me to go away. I had too. And after Steve and I broke up I had no other choice but to leave. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stay there.
My mom was mad at me because of what I had become. I had become so distant in my life after Steve and I broke up. She threatened to send me away. She wanted me to get better. I in the end sent myself away. I checked myself into a hospital and I got better. I didn’t do it because she made me do it but because I did it for myself. I needed to get better. I needed to get better for myself.
After some time I was released from the hospital. I was a brand new person. I felt great. I had found ways to occupy my mind rather focus on Steve and what happened between us. The decision I had to make was whether I wanted to go home or not. I didn’t want to go home. I went to live with my friends. You know they visited me every day that I was in that hell hole and my mom didn’t visit me once. NOT ONCE. Well she did visit me once but that comes later. She didn’t even call. She didn’t even write. That makes me feel unwanted causing me to spend more time in that hell hole than I should have. I couldn’t go back to that life. I couldn’t go back into that relationship we had. I had to get away.
My friends had told me during one of their visits that they applied for the England campus of our college that we attended. I was actually keeping up with my studies while I was in this place. It kept me sane and it challenged me a little bit. It gave me hope for a better tomorrow.
After they left that day I applied for the campus hoping that I would get in. I crossed my fingers when I gave the mail person my envelope and off it went. I wished it a safe travel. After a few weeks I received a letter saying that I got in. I was even more excited now and I was working towards finishing my time here in this place while I was looking forward to starting my new life in England.
How does my mom fit into all this? She came the night before I was released. The only trip she ever made to come and see me. She wanted to speak to me. Why the hell does she want to speak to me? She has never been there for me and now she wants to make things right. I have been in here for some time now and now is time she decides that she will come and visit me. Now she wants to make things right. I went to the meeting area to meet with her.
I entered the room and I saw her sitting there. Her eyes were puffy yet there were no tears. She was probably trying to fake cry to make me feel bad. It’s not going to work. She was looking off to the side until she felt my presence within the room. She turned her head towards me and a small smile crept across her face. Why was she smiling? Was she really that happy to see me and how much I have changed? I sat down and stared at her. I wasn’t going to say anything to her. I still hate her.
“Judith, you look great. You look so much better,” she told me.
I just looked at her not saying anything. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to listen to the shit that comes out of her mouth. I don’t want her lies filling up my head with hope that she could be different. Hope that she is happy to see me. Hope that she does love me.
“I miss you, Judith,” she told me.
“Stop!” I shouted
“Judith, I can’t wait for you to come home,” she reached for my hand but I pulled it away.
“I had enough of your shit. Quit your lying and save me the decency and just leave me alone! Quit filling my head with nonsense! You haven’t visited me once while I was in here and now you want me to think everything is alright! YOU WERE NEVER HERE FOR ME SO WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO COME HOME WITH YOU!!” I yelled.
“Because you’re my daughter and I love you,” she answered.
“If you loved me why didn’t you visit me?” I asked
“I was busy,” she replied.
“Busy with what?” I asked
“It’s not important,” she answered.
“YES IT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO COME AND SEE YOUR DAUGHTER WHO SHOULD MEAN EVERYTHING TO YOU. YOU WERE PROBABLY SITTING AT HOME WATCHING YOUR COOKING SHOWS! I HATE YOU!” I spat
“I’m sorry. Can I make it up to you? Can you tell me what time I need to pick you up?” she asked
“You can’t pick me up. I’m moving. I’m going away. I’m not going to be in your life anymore. Now goodbye and never contact me again,” I got up and left.
That’s the last time I saw her face. That was the last time I saw her eyes. That was the last time I heard her lies. She called after me yet I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear any more lies. I didn’t want to have her in my life anymore. I don’t need her. So why should I go home with her? Why should I be brought back into that life where I wasn’t happy? Why should I go back to that life that ruined me? It destroyed me and now I was paying for it. I shouldn’t be drawn into that life and become someone I’m not. I’m happier without her. Why should she fuel off my sadness? Why should she be the only one who gets to be happy? Why?
6/21/13