
Forever Alone
Epilogue
My Dearest Niall,
Today is September 13th, your birthday. Did you think that I would forget about your birthday? How could I forget about the most important day in your life? Niall, we may be distant at this moment but I haven’t forgotten about you. Niall, you are now a year older and getting hotter by the year. Ha! You’re probably wondering why you are getting this letter. You are probably thinking that I wrote this to apologize and ask you to take me back. That I want to see you again and kiss you and hug you and make it seem like everything is alright. That everything is normal. That we never broke up. That you never slept with that girl. That I never said that I needed space from you. That everything can go back to where we were before. That I can love you till the end of time. But I can’t do that. I can’t hurt you like that. I know it’s cliché but it’s not you it’s me. Furthermore you need to have a happy birthday rather a sad one hence the word happy in Happy Birthday. But you may think that me not being out of your life is making this one sucky birthday but it shouldn’t. I’m just another girl. But this letter isn’t just me wishing you a happy birthday. I need to tell you something that is important but please promise me you won’t get mad.
I want to start off by saying that I have fully forgiven you for all you have done back in LA. Everyone deserves second chances. You were stupid. You weren’t thinking. And I have learned to forgive you for that. I also want to say that you are very good in bed. I was sorry I told that whore that she was better off fucking a cactus. You make love beautifully my darling. I promise you that.
You probably have been calling my number since I left you back in LA. You probably think that after the first ring I would pick up. But when that didn’t happen you thought I would answer on the next ring. But when I didn’t you probably thought the next one. It kept ringing until it went to voicemail. Since I didn’t answer on the phone you probably try to make your way to my door. Knocking on my door hoping that I would unlock the door and open it and you would see me on the other side of it. The truth is, I’m not there. I’m long gone to a place that I shouldn’t explain right now. Where would the fun be in that? But I haven’t forgotten about you. How can I forget someone so important to me? This is my reason for writing you this letter. This is the only way I could tell you what I have to say. No phone call or face to face confrontation could change anything. This letter is the safest option I have. You deserve to know why I have left you even though deep down inside I am hopelessly in love with you. You dominate my thoughts. You have loved me more than anyone ever has in all the years I have been alive. You have made me feel waned. You complete my life in more ways than just one. You have brought me out of my darkest days. I thank you. I really thank you for all you’ve done.
I thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. I thank you for spending so much time with me, even though I am not the prettiest girl in the world you have made me feel like I am. And I was okay with that. Thank you for loving me. I thank you for the countless hours we have spent talking and laughing about random nonsense. You have completed me. You have made me into a better person. You have taught me to love myself. You have taught me that I should believe in myself more than I do now. I should be confident with my body and everything I have dealt with. I shouldn’t be afraid of my past. My past should be afraid of me. I thank you for that but most importantly, I love you for that. Thank you Niall for everything you have done for me.
Since I have thanked you to the full extent I guess I can tell you why I’m writing this. Why did I go through all this trouble just to thank you, you ask? Why I have wasted your time by telling you how much I thank you for all you have done for me? Why this letter is going to mean so much to you after you finished reading it? Why I won’t just tell you what is on my mind? Do you want me to just stop trying to distract you from what is going on through my mind by thanking you? I promise you there is a point to all this. I promise and I don’t break promises.
I want you to know that I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry that you had to find out this way but this is the only way I sought to tell you. This was the easy way out. I didn’t know how to say it besides leaving you behind. I rather you be hurt by heart break then finding out the truth. But then I realized that you will still be sad when you find out the truth of why I left you. I’m so sorry you have to find out this way but it’s the easiest way for me to tell you without starting to cry. I’m sorry Niall. I really am.
Niall, when I first moved to London I was broken. I was scared. I was scared that Steve would come and find me and beat me again. I had endured so much pain from him that I was afraid that if I let another person in that they would do the same. Being away from home for so long had made me lose sight of who I was. I started to change but I was afraid to let anyone see it. Then I met you. But before I met you I was obsessed with you. I watched your every move. I listened to your voice in interviews. But that obsession I had for you was never a reality. I never saw it coming true. I got it confirmed when I met Steve. I spent most of my time with him and less time obsessing over you. But what is always good must have something bad right? Once I got rid of him and I started to my new life and I was becoming a new Judith, I found you again.
When I saw you standing in my apartment, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My fantasies were starting to come true. The boy I was so obsessed with was in my home. Talking with my friends. Becoming part of our circle of friends. I had to rub my eyes to see if were true. Just looking at you made all my memories of you come back. I was falling in love with you and I haven’t even talked to you yet. I was so nervous to even say one word to you. I had never been so nervous in my life. When I finally talked to you it felt right. It was perfect. Talking with you was the calmest I had ever been with a guy. I felt safe with you. I was falling for you right then and there. I knew that I needed you. You have taught me how to love with not only my eyes but my heart. People criticized us about you being a celebrity and me being just a ‘normal’ girl yet I was never one ounce of ‘normal’. But to me you weren’t a celebrity. In my eyes Niall, you were just Niall. A friend. My friend. The love of my life.
A month after meeting you I had learned something new about myself. When you see Rachel or Bridgette ask them how much I cried. I was so devastated by what I was told. I’m sorry I haven’t told you. I didn’t even tell John about this. I knew he and I weren’t going to last but I stayed with him. I stayed with him to fill the void. The void in my heart that made me yearns for love. Love from someone who I knew that I couldn’t have. Love from you. You have always been a part of my heart but I was too scared to love you. I was afraid that I would hurt you. Afraid to lead you on and just crush you entirely but Bridgette told me something. I quote this from Bridgette exactly, “Judith, whether you tell him or not he is going to end up hurt. It is that if you tell him before it happens then he has time to accept it. If you don’t tell him then you are taking the easy way out.” Me being my stupid self took the easy way out but there is a reason behind that. But know that I am sorry for taking the easy way out.
Niall, before I tell you why I’m gone I just want you to know a few things. First I don’t want you to come and search for me. I don’t want you running to my side because the farther you read this letter the more likely it is that I am farther away. I also don’t want you to forget me. You promised me that night that you would never forget about me. I don’t want you too. I may be out of your life but I’m in your heart. You have my heart. You are the keeper of it. But I am sorry. And I know that I keep saying it but that is how I feel. I’m sorry. Lastly I want you to know that I love you. I have never loved anyone so much and with such passion than I have with anyone else in this world. I have never fell so deeply in love with a person that it aches me to say goodbye to them. It pains me to know that I have hurt you so much that I would cry all night just thinking about you and what I have done to you. I have called your name out but I realize that you would never come. I told you not to come after me. I told you not to come and find me. I put this upon myself. I don’t want you here because I want to save you the heartache and pain that this will cast upon you. I rather you find out this way. But know that I love you with all my heart and that once I tell you this you can’t come and find me because I won’t be there. I love you.
Niall, what I am about to tell you is something so painful and devastating that I don’t want you to beat yourself up. There is nothing you can say or do to make it okay. I made this decision months ago and I did it for what was best for us even though we weren’t dating yet. I knew that somehow we would end up together and I wanted to live everyday with you. I wanted to explore the world with you. I did. Well some parts of it.
You should know that it is not your fault. It is not my fault either. This is what life had planned for me. This is how it was supposed to happen. So what really happened? What is not either of our faults? Niall, I’m going to give you the blunt answer. A word so straight forward that you don’t need no big and fancy medical terms to confuse you. Heck I was confused. So Niall what I am about to tell you is pretty sad to say. To say it out loud was excruciating and to write it is just as worse. Niall, I am…it is hard to say it. Hard to process the word that is so simple yet can change a life forever. I have to use the verb form since that is what is happening unless it happened already. The word. Dying. Dead.
I was dying the moment you reentered my life. I was dying throughout the whole time we were together. I was dying when I came to see you in New York. I was dying when we made love for the first time. I was dying the day you left me to go back on your tour as I stayed back to stay with my mom. I was dying when I was reunited with you. I was dying when I told you that I didn’t want to see you anymore. I was dying when I got back on that plane to take me back to London. I was dying when I entered my apartment after I returned from the airport. It only came clear to me that I was dying when I fainted in the middle of my apartment. Being knocked out or going through one of these stages, that’s what the doctors called it, I knew that I was dying. Completely. I am also dying as you read this. I am possibly gone once you finished this. But you promised not to come running to me. Please don’t. I’m gone. No use in coming to see if I’m okay. You know I’m dying. I’m going to be better now. No use in coming to see a dead body who has wasted all your time. Who has done nothing but caused heartache for you. Just know that I am sorry.
I’m sorry that we didn’t get to get married and have children. I’m sorry we didn’t have a long and prosperous life together. I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I was scared that if I told you sooner you would see me different. Treat me like I was sick and dying. You would’ve been nervous and stressed out about what I was going through but you had more important things to worry about. I didn’t want you to go through with that. I didn’t want to cause you trouble. I didn’t want you to have that burden. To tell you the truth I wanted to enjoy my life instead of playing it easy. I didn’t want to be reminded of my dying future so I didn’t tell anyone. Well, my family knew and so did Rachel and Bridgette. But besides them I didn’t want them to know. I’m sorry Niall. I really am.
Do you want the medical term other than me using the word dying? It isn’t confusing but there is a story behind it. There is a complex medical term for it but I can’t pronounce it let alone spell it. This story I am about to tell you, you have to promise me something. You most promise that you won’t do anything. You won’t go seeking vengeance for me by confronting him. Yes, it’s a him. But please don’t do anything to hurt him. He got what he deserved. He went to jail and now he is going to know that he was the one that caused me to die like this. He can live with that guilt rather you going to beat him up. Promise me you won’t go and beat up Steve. Promise?
Yes, Steve is the cause of this. He has beaten me several times that my body couldn’t take it anymore. The last time he had beaten me it was really hard. What I didn’t tell you is that he kept bashing my head up against the wall. Pushing me up against it. Forcing me to feel the cold tile against my bare skull. The force was unbearable. The doctors didn’t see it at first. It didn’t get found until one night when I woke up to my head throbbing. The pain was unbearable that not even a simple aspirin could make the pain go away. I was taken to the hospital and they decided to do a brain scan. That is when they found it. The big mass. So unhealthy. So repulsing. So devastating. I cried. I really did. They said that this growth in my brain could kill me. They couldn’t have known sooner. It was starting to get worse and if I did come sooner that they could’ve saved me. But my brain couldn’t tell me I had this growth. I accepted it. I had a tumor. Killing me day by day.
The tumor has consumed me. Consumed me like a black hole taking me into oblivion. Getting lost in the endless mass of space that laid before it. The tumor has made me act weird. The talking to myself was the tumor. My tumor had become the controller of my life. Making me act weird and different then I have ever acted before. It controlled me and it made me do things that I would regret. But there is one thing my tumor didn’t control. My love for you.
Niall, I love you. I told you on the night when we made love to each other for the first time that I would always be in your heart. I am with you. In your heart. I am always with you even though I may be gone. You have made my last few months the best months out of my whole entire life. You have made my life complete. I thank you for that. Thank you, Niall. Thank you, Sweetheart.
My love for you was not fake. I loved you with each passing day. I still love you and I will always be with you. Don’t feel like you wasted your time with me. You didn’t. You made my life worth living. You were my light out of all this darkness. You have been the best thing to have happened to me. I love you Niall. Forever and always.
Now it has come time for my final words. You are almost done reading this. Isn’t that fantastic? I’m sorry I am gone but it has to end this way. You may cry with everyone else at my funeral but know that is not me in that casket. The Judith you love is in your heart. Her permanent home. I haven’t left. I will never leave. There is just one more thing I want you to know. I love you Niall, with all my heart. With every bone in my body. With every rain drop that falls from the sky. With every flower that grows in the spring time. With every sunrise and sunset that crosses the sky. Niall, I love you. I may be gone physically but I will always be with you. I may not be deep into religion but I believe the soul travels through the air and stays with their loved ones. So I’m with you. You aren’t alone.
You will find someone new and you will love her with all your heart. You will show her just as much compassion and comfort that you have shown me. You will show her what it feels like to be loved. What it’s like to have someone there for you when you need them most. She will love you and you guys will get married. But promise me something. You won’t break her heart. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt like that. No one deserves to be hurt like that. Please love her forever. Don’t say that you might not find anyone. You aren’t forever alone. I won’t let that happen.
My dearest Niall, I just want to say that I love you. And it pains me to know that I will never get to kiss you again. To feel your moist tender lips against mine. The way your breathing changes whenever I walk into the room. The way your smile lights up the whole world. The way you laugh when one the boys says something funny and you think it’s the best joke you ever heard. Niall, you are everything to me. You were everything to me. I know I left you without leaving you room to ask questions or to even say goodbye but this isn’t goodbye. I’m moving on to a better place where I won’t suffer anymore. I won’t talk to myself even though that was the only person who understood me. But then again you understood me. Niall, please don’t cry because I don’t like it when you cry. I don’t like to see you hurt. I don’t like when your broken. Just because I’m gone it doesn’t mean that your life is over. You should continue to live your life with the boys, Rachel, Bridgette. They need you and you need them.
Before I sign this letter with my name I just want to tell you that life isn’t always its cracked up to be. I was broken and misunderstood yet you found the good in me. You learned to love me. Someone will love you just as much as I did. So don’t be afraid of what has happened between us because look at me for example. I was afraid to love again yet I opened my heart to you. Niall, just know that even though I’m dead and probably buried in the cold ground that I’m still with you. I’m sorry once again but I love you.
I love you Niall.
Forever and always with love,
Judith aka Moody Judy
Notes
I think this was a great ending but i think that Judtih has one secret left up her sleeve. With that said should there be a Sequel?? Leave a comment below
6/21/13