Forever Alone

Most of your party guests were leaving by the time you agreed to be normal, Judith. You seriously need to come to your senses and be normal all the time. And Judith did you at least talk to one person at the party besides the two people you already knew? Yes, I talked to some girl named Michelle. She was nice and you shouldn’t be bagging on me. It’s people like you who will ultimately destroy me and cause me to be something I’m not. You want to know something? Go ahead and try me Judith. I don’t like your attitude with me and I hate you. You need me Judith. I’m the only one who can understand you. I know I get that. Please just keep to yourself for a bit. Please can you just tell the story? Fine as you wish.

The party was going quite well. Everyone left except for those five boys. Those five boys entered your life years ago and now they are entering it again. They were chatting with your friends as you stood off to the side sipping at your beer. You were a people person but you didn’t want to join their conversation and possibly ruin it. Your friends and the boys were laughing along with each other. You were cleaning the dishes because I don’t think your friends were going to do it. They did most of the party work so the least you could do was wash the dirty dishes. You were scrubbing away at the pans and the grease and crumbs coming off the pan remind you of your life.

It reminded you of how you use to become so isolated from the world that if people tried to pry you off of any surface you would just flake and crumble. You would become so transparent that no one will seem to notice. You were that small speck of food on the plate that was isolated from the large group. You were nothing. You had no use for living. You are just some flaky piece of food that will eventually get discarded into the sink flowing down the drain. Flowing through the pipes of uncertainty and loneliness that after each twist and turn you hope it’s over but it’s not. And it’s dark. So dark that not even a speck of light can shine through. No amount of light can bring you out of this darkness. You were alone. You were forever alone. You have to deal with it.

You know you are starting to really piss me off. I haven’t thought like that in years and here you are bringing it up again. You are eating at my soul telling me that I’m worthless. Here you are telling me that I will be by myself for the rest of my life and that no one will love me. I get it and I have accepted that fact. So can you stop bringing it up? No one wants to hear about my insecurities and what I have been through. You will probably say that it will make my story more intriguing and give them a sense of who I am but you have no right to tell them. You never asked me. You and I both know that we are the only two people who know this and here you go diffusing it to the world for everyone to hear. You know I really do hate you. But at the same time you are the only one who understands me. You are the only one who knows the true me. I forgive you but next time you decide to tell everyone about my flaws please console me first okay? Okay I promise.

You continued to scrub just concentrating on the pattern on which you washed the dishes. You studied each of your movements carefully as you hand begun to spin around the plate taking off the remains of the food. You placed the dripping wet dishes off to the side on the counter to your left. You had to be careful because you were certain that the floor was wet. You are a klutz and even a single drop of water could cause you to slip and fall and make yourself look like a fool. You finished washing the dishes and began to dry them. There was a large stack of them and you huffed to yourself. You had to dry all of those. Well you decided to have a party! No I didn’t my friends did. Well, you share a home with them so technically you were responsible for this party. Just deal with it! So anyway you were drying each individual piece of wet silverware and plate until you heard the door slam. You gazed up from the sink and saw your friends were there but there was also a blonde boy standing next to Bridgette. Your friends smile at you as they left the room to go to their bedroom. The blonde boy was standing there staring at you. You looked back down to the plate you were drying because you didn’t want to drop it. You could feel his eyes on you. It made your heart skip a beat yet you didn’t want to make it to obvious.

After drying all the silverware you put them away. You had to make sure everything was neatly placed and in the right order. You liked when everything was even and up to par so to speak. Nothing could be out of place or you would freak out. You weren’t as bad as Rachel though. This was all her doing. You just wanted to abide to her rules so that she wouldn’t get pissed off and possibly make you reorganize the whole cabinet. After you shut the cabinet door you turned around and saw the blonde boy standing in front of you. He hasn’t said one word to you all day and the real question was why was he still here? Your friends were off in their rooms probably tweeting and reblogging things that you would probably do later. You looked into his eyes and you saw who he was. You saw all that he was and who he is now. A smile crept across his face and you could feel yours forming too. You wanted to say something yet you were frozen. Frozen like the ice caps. You were so frozen that you couldn’t move your hands or move your lips to even speak. You just stood there for a good twenty minutes. Well it would’ve been longer but it started to get awkward.

“Hi,” he choked out.

“Hey,” you answered looking at the ground.

“You and your friends know how to throw a party,” he answered.

“Oh thanks,” you muttered.

“No it was really a lot of fun,” he commented.

“Oh thanks,” you muttered again.

“You didn’t have fun?” he asked

“Well kind of,” you responded.

“What do you mean kind of,” he questioned.

“Well it started off kind of awkward you know. You don’t know anybody and then once the party gets going and you break the ice and everything then does it truly get interesting,” you looked up at him feeling more comfortable with yourself.

“What do you mean by it truly gets interesting,” he questioned.

“Here come sit,” you walked over to the couch and he sat next to you, “First you feel like you can’t really tell anyone about yourself once the party starts or it will be like you’re trying too much. After a couple shots and beers does the truth come out. Just because you have an amount of alcohol in your system does that mean that the truth comes out. Well it doesn’t. You start to feel comfortable with the people around you cluing them in on little pieces of who you are. You follow?”

“I seem to follow what you’re trying to say,” he smiled at you.

“Good,” you smiled back.

This was the first time did you really feel comfortable around a boy. You weren’t trying to impress him or make him see something you’re not. You were cluing him in on who you were and what you were like. Little pieces of your personality were showing but don’t get to intelligent for him Judith. He might get scared if you start using big words. You could ruin this love interest of yours. He’s not my love interest. Judith, do you see how you smiled at him. Do you see how nervous you are? You know when you’re nervous you start saying intelligent things that most people don’t understand. Judith you must not scare this one away. Do I have to remind you about Steve? Please don’t bring that up. Please I don’t want them knowing about that. Why not Judith? Why not you ask? Then we will confuse them even more by telling them about my ex-boyfriend who was no good for me. Judith, Steve is the cause of all this. The cause of what? The cause of you not opening yourself to new people. You are scared that all the guys that you fall for will be like Steve. Now Judith, don’t ruin this. Take risks Judith. Take them. What do you got to lose? Everything.