Forever Alone

She was hard in thought about the question you just threw at her. Her mind was wrapping around the past and seeking for the answer to your question. Seeking the answers to past events that have caused so much trouble for both of you. A past that neither of you want to relived but a part of you wanted the answer. Right Judith?

Yeah, I would like to know why she did what she did. There has to be a good reason behind all this. A reason that could make me forgive her fully. A reason that will finally put my past to rest. Is it bad of me to want to know? I want to put this behind me. I want to be able to forgive and forget. I can’t forget or forgive for that matter if there are unsolved pieces to the puzzles. Pieces that don’t fit correctly into the puzzle. Is it wrong of me to want that?

No not at all Judith. Everyone wants answers about anything and everything. You aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one. You want to know why you felt so neglected by your mother. Hopefully you get the answer you are seeking for. Hopefully everything will become clearer for you. Hopefully.

You stared at your mom sitting across from you. It has been a few minutes since the question was asked. You wanted to know. Was she going to lie to you? Was she going to tell you what you wanted to hear? Tell you all that you wanted to know? All that you are seeking through this whole trip? Answers that lie beneath the surface that could change your life forever. Why won’t she tell you?

“Where were you when I was away?” you repeated

“Judith,” she spoke, “It’s complicated.”

“Life is complicated but we live it every day without a problem,” you responded.

“Judith, you would get upset with me,” she answered.

“How can I get more upset with you when I am already really mad at you?” you asked

“Judith, that year you were in that hospital, I discovered something,” she told you.

“What was it?” you asked

“I got sick. Really sick. A different kind of sick that you were,” she commented.

“Sick as in the flu? Allergies?” you questioned

“No,” she responded.

“Then what?” you asked wanting to know more

“I had a stroke,” she spoke looking down at her hand.

You placed your hand on top of her hand, “I’m sorry mom?”

“I wish I could’ve come to see you but I was in the hospital for a long time. I wasn’t able to get out of bed. I could barely walk. I wanted to be there for you but I couldn’t,” she started to cry.

You got up out of your seat and sat next to her. You wrapped your arms around her and kept telling her that you were okay. That everything was fine now. She was alive and well and that was all that mattered. She hugged you back. She was vulnerable just like you. You two were one in the same. No wonder why you guys are related. She wanted to be there for you. She wiped her tears on your shirt trying to get the rest of them out. She was really sorry but you kept telling her that it was okay. She lifted her head off your shoulder and just looked at you. Her eyes were red and puffy but she had nothing to be sorry about.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Mom, it’s okay. You are fine now. We are here together now. I think meeting like this brought us closer together,” you smiled at her.

“Judith, I do care about you. I never stopped. I just couldn’t come and see you. Mark wanted to go to tell you what had happened but I told him not to,” she spoke.

“Why not? I would’ve gotten better faster,” you told her.

“You don’t know that. Having the stress that I was in the hospital while you were trying to get your mind together was not good. It could’ve destroyed you even more. You had to focus on yourself rather everyone else. You have grown since then. You have grown up so much,” she grabbed your face in her hands.

“Mom, I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you too my dear,” she answered as she embraced you in a hug.

You guys sat that for a while. She cares about you, Judith. She wanted you to get better. She wanted you to focus on yourself. She’s kind of like you. You want others to get better before you do. You don’t want to burden them with things you seem as unimportant when in fact they are important but sometimes you got to do that so life points you in the right direction. Right?

I mean I would’ve liked to know what had happened to her when it happened but sometimes things are meant to be kept a secret. Sometimes you got to keep a secret until it actually happens. Then after it happens and everything is okay then you can tell them. You can tell them and hopefully they won’t get mad but if you explain to them why it happened then they will understand.

Take my mom for example. She never told me that she was sick. She never told me about her stroke. She thought it was unimportant because she wanted me to get better. She wanted me to get healthy because I had a life to live. Even though she had many years ahead of her back then she didn’t want me to be more stressed out then I was. She wanted me to focus on myself. Get better for myself. And when I was ready to hear what had happened to her then she will tell me. And I may have been a bit mad at first when she told me. But when she told me her reason behind it I was glad she didn’t tell me. I’m not glad that she had a stroke but I’m glad I wasn’t told. I mean it may sound selfish of me to say that but if I were told about her then who knows what would have happened to me.

Life is unpredictable. We are given twist and turns that can totally fuck up our life. Making us appear distant or worthless. Life isn’t meant to be easy for us. It wasn’t easy that they didn’t tell me about my mom and what she was going through. It wasn’t easy for me when I was going through that change of getting better. It’s a rocky road. Life has its ups and downs. It challenges you with each step you take but you must face it with all your power if you hope something good will come out of it.

My mom was right in not letting them tell me. Who knows where my life would be if I were told. I mean I could still be in that hospital trying to untangle my spiral of a life. Trying to fit the pieces back together while worrying about how my life is going to turn out. I probably wouldn’t have gone to London and finished my studies. I probably wouldn’t have met Niall. I would still be dying inside. I would be broken. I wouldn’t know how to process anything. I would be so jerky and nervous like I was. I wouldn’t be here telling you my story. I would probably be sitting in the white room with the colorless walls. Sitting looking at the bare wall trying to make patterns out of it. Talking to myself because no one would come and see me and tell me how they were doing. I would be falling off the cliff not knowing when I’m going to hit the ground. Or even feel a hand grabbing me from the deep depths of my horrible life. Bringing me out of the darkness. Telling me that everything is going to be okay. That everyone loves me. Everyone would miss me if I was gone. Telling me that I had to get better for not only myself but for those who love me. If they told me about what had happened to my mom who knows where I would be. Who knows?

Your mom was staring at you as you stared out the window. You seemed to drift off into space as you did your little side comment. Thinking to yourself about what could’ve happened if you were told about your mom. Her green eyes were glistening in the sunlight. You guys sat there for the rest of the afternoon, catching up on what has happened in the last few years. What you have been up too. Then she said something that caught you off guard.

“So Niall?” she asked.