Forever Alone

You have been with your mom for a couple of weeks now. She has been getting better. She actually started walking. She has been doing quite. She had changed since you left her years ago. Maybe it was because she was getting older. She was a little older and maybe the age was getting to her. The age was making her become more vulnerable. She was loosening up. She used to tell you stories about how your grandma was a mean mother growing up but as she got older she loosened up a bit. Maybe that was happening to your mom.

Your mom was now okay to be able to live on her own. She was able to stand on her own. She told you to go be with Niall. She knew how much you missed him. She knew that you needed to see him. You had to see him again. You were empty without him. It was worse than when John had left to go to Africa. This hurt more. Right Judith?

My heart hurts. Every day that I am away from him my heart hurts more and more. It feels like it’s gone. I feel unstable. I have never felt like this before. It hurts to know that he is off chatting with girls who are much prettier than me and here I am watching my mom. She needed me yes but she can see how bad being away from him is killing me. Being away from someone you love is hard. Mark has argued with me and said I was too clingy with him. That I had to learn to be away from him. I had to feel the distance between us. Being farther away from him day by day makes me yearn to see him again. Talking on the phone isn’t enough for me. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

You and your mom were going out for one last lunch before I headed off to LA to be with Niall. Niall doesn’t know that you are coming. You told him that you were going to be here for a little while longer. You wanted to surprise him. He has sent gift for your mom so she can get better. He has sent flowers and fruit baskets. It was really nice of him.

Your mom had decided on the oldest restaurant in Denver. It was family owned by a kid you went to school with. His grandparents ran it when you were still in middle school. Now his parents and this kid’s sister were running the restaurant. He went off to get his degree in architecture. He wanted to be an architect. He was always building block buildings in grammar school. He was fascinated by the way buildings were made. How the outside of the building could be any shape and it would still stand. Well the shape had to be flat on the bottom so it could be level. He was all into the Legos and Linkin Logs. He used to build the houses for your dolls in kindergarten. He was one of your best friends until he became a jock in middle school. He discovered girls and he wanted their attention. He didn’t want your attention. He didn’t like you anymore.

Entering the restaurant you noticed how empty it was. There were a few tables occupied with its usual customers. You and your mom were seated immediately. You were seated in a booth and you sat across from your mom. You looked out the window and saw the sun radiating against the sidewalk. The sun peeked through the blinds illuminating the table. The heat bounced off the table and the heat started to seep into your skin. It felt nice against your skin. You needed some warmth.

You stared at your phone that was on the table. He hasn’t called today. He normally does. Why wasn’t he answering? He was probably busy. There were more important things going on in his life now then worrying about you. You looked up at your mom and she was staring at you. She was looking into your eyes and she had a smile on her face. You knew that she was happy that you were back in your life. She should be. You should never stay mad at your parents even if they have done a lot of terrible things to you.

But what happens if they go too far? What if they neglect you when you need them most? What if they just stop caring and move on with their life forgetting that you even exist? What if they don’t want you anymore? What if they blame you for all that has happened in their life? What if they tell you that you were a mistake and should’ve never happened? What if?

What if? Judith, your mom loves you no matter what she has done to you. She cares for you. Maybe something was bothering her when you needed her most. What if she too was suffering? What if she blamed herself for what happened to you? What if that was the reason that she didn’t come to see you? What if she felt guilty that she didn’t see this sooner? What if she felt like everything was her fault? What if she didn’t want to disappoint you anymore? What if?

You make a good point. I don’t know what was going on in her head. It was big shocker to her too. It was a big shocker to everyone. No one saw this coming. It came out of left field. Maybe she did feel like it was her fault. Maybe she did feel like she was the one that caused this. But she wasn’t. I needed her but maybe she didn’t want to make things worse. I am her child after all. I’m more like her then my dad. I mean she knows that I wanted to be alone but that was my cry for help.

When someone tells you that they want to be alone don’t ignore them. Don’t let them be. Don’t let them out of your sight. Comfort them. Make them feel better. Tell them that everything is okay. Tell them what they want to here. Make them feel important because I can tell you from my own experience that I wanted someone to tell me that I was important. That I was worth the life I was living in. I was meant to be put on this planet for a reason. I want to be able to feel like I can make something of myself. I want to know that I am not alone. I am not by myself. I have people there to guide me and help me get better. When you don’t have that you sink into depression more.

You start to drift out of this world and into your own world. I used to just sleep all day. I wore sweatpants and my hoodies. I never went out. I would only eat at least twice a day, well if I felt like it. Sometimes I only ate one meal a day or I didn’t eat at all. I used to plug in my headphones and listen to my music drowning out the noise that was around me. My mom would come into my room and just look at me. Stare at me. She would call my name and when I wouldn’t answer she would leave the room. She would just shut the door behind her. Sometimes she never came into my room. I felt like she had given up on me. I felt like she didn’t want me anymore.

You know I contemplated death several times during this whole charade. I wanted to end my life. I wanted it to end. I thought that if I ended my life I would be free from the burden. Free from all the shame I had within my bones just oozing out of my skin as I walked down the streets of my town. I was sick. I will admit that. So sick that no one looked like they cared. No one wanted me to get better. It was like they wanted me to drown in my self-pity and just get sucked into the afterlife. Just forget about them and everything else important to me and just die.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t end my life. I couldn’t do that to them. I knew they were all hurting. I knew they wanted me to get better. They weren’t going to tell me because they probably thought that I would lash out against them. Hurting them even more. So that’s when I decided to help myself. I had to get better. I was sick of feeling this way. Sick of everyone just staring at me judging me or feeling sorry for me. I had to get away and just get better. I couldn’t take this slowly dying shit anymore. It wasn’t me. It was never me.

You stared at your mom. You have forgiven her. You had her in your life again. Things you have lost in the past have been coming back into your life. They made you feel happier and healthy. You were starting your new life yet you were incorporating them in it. You thanked them for all they have done for you. Having them in your life again is great. Maybe it was good you went away. You turned over a new leaf. You became a brand new Judith.

“Judith, do you want to know anything before you leave?” she asked

You thought long and hard. You wanted to come out with it. You wanted a straight answer. You didn’t want the bullshit piled on top of it. You wanted to know why she wasn’t there for you when you needed her most. You thought long and hard about the answers, thinking about the many possibilities on which lie with it. Then you decided that the only real answer you could get is from her.

“Why didn’t you come and see me when I was in the hospital?” you asked looking directly into her eyes.