Forever Alone

You have been enjoying your life on the road with Niall. You couldn’t be happier. He has literally made you feel like royalty. Today was the day where you were arriving in your home state. You were a bit scared but having Niall there was reassuring. You and Niall have been dating for about two months. It has been the best two months of your life. It seems longer but it hasn’t been very long. You were hopelessly in love with him and all he does for you. He is the greatest boy you have ever met. Who knew that you would’ve found him again?

The bus pulled into your former home. You saw familiar sights. You lived in one of the biggest cities in Colorado. You lived in Denver. You never thought that you would be returning here. You never though you would see this place again. You never thought that you would be here. You never thought that you would date Niall but here you are dating him. So I guess you should expect the impossible. You looked out the window and the memories started flooding back. Judith, are you okay?

Yeah, I’m fine. I mean I use to live here and stuff. I just didn’t really think I would make it to see this place again. I thought I left this place behind. I mean I never expected to be here again. Niall told me that it was going to be okay. I saw the playground where I use to take Annabel. We used to swing on the swings together and I used to catch her at the bottom of the slide. I then saw the ice cream shop where Mark and I used to go on one of the warmer days and we used to sit in the parlor listening to everyone’s conversations. We used to talk about how school was going and how stupid our fighting parents were. It was just one of the happy memories Ihave had with Mark. I really had no bad memories with him except when he got mad that I shrunk his favorite shirt in the wash. I always apologized and he said it was okay but deep down inside I knew that it bothered him. I know it did but he never wanted to make me angry.

We then passed my old high school. Those were the worst years of my life. Even though I had Rachel and Bridgette with me, that place still caused me to experience the worst four years of my life. I remember at Junior Prom, Jimmy Jackson asked me to the prom but only as a bet. He got fifty dollars for asking me to prom. It was the worst night of my life. And for him to get one hundred bucks he had to kiss me. Of course I caught on to the whole ordeal before he actually kissed me. I beat the shit out of him instead. Then at Senior Prom, well I really don’t know what happened. I didn’t go. Rachel and Bridgette went but I felt too vulnerable to go. After what happened the year before I didn’t want to face the same fate again. This is also the time I started dating Steve.

Steve didn’t go to my high school. He had already graduated from his school the year before. Yes, he was a year older. I met Steve through a friend. He was best friends with my one guy friend Richard. Richard, well we called him Rich, was the nicest guy in the whole world. I talked to him time and time again but I haven’t seen him since I left to come to London. Well, he never visited me in the hospital but I didn’t expect him too. He felt guilty about the whole Steve ordeal. He said it was his fault. It was his fault that Steve had beaten me. But it wasn’t. He didn’t know what Steve was capable of. No one knew. Anyway Steve and I met at one of Richard’s parties. Steve was so sweet in the beginning. He told me that he had just broken up with his girlfriend and that I was much prettier than her. Supposedly I was much smarter than her too. So we started talking, then dating. And then…well you know the rest.

After I graduated high school I went to college. College is supposed to be the best time of your life but for me I spent my first few semesters dwelling on my parents’ divorce and being beaten by my boyfriend. During my junior year of college I broke up with Steve, became hospitalized, and then I finally realized that I wanted to move on. Start fresh. Start anew. And so I did. I moved out and here I am dwelling on the past. Reliving my past. Hoping that the bad doesn’t come back to haunt me. Hoping I won’t have to face my ghosts. Hoping I can be alone for once. Hoping it won’t come back to haunt me causing me to break again. I don’t know if I want Niall to see that. I really don’t.

The bus pulled into the parking lot of the hotel that the boys were staying at. It was nighttime and no one was out. No one was roaming the streets. No one will find you. No one.

You grabbed your backpack and slung your bag over your shoulder. Niall put his arm around you as you two walked into the hotel together. There were no fans screaming their heads off for them. No blood curdling screams escaping the hole that they call their mouths. No one screaming that they wanted to fuck them in broad daylight. No security guards being ordered to hold back the animals that were teenage girls. It was nice. It was beautiful. It was relaxing.

Niall, Bridgette, Harry, and you piled into one elevator. Everyone was staying on the same floor. You were just so nervous to be home. Even though the town seemed to be in a deep slumber you couldn’t help but be more nervous. People had the tendency to sneak up on you; scaring the living crap out of you. Even though you weren’t easily scared something about this town made you skittish. And you know who made you like this? The one person on this Earth that could make you act like this? Steve.

You exited the elevator behind Niall. Walking down the hallway of the fifth floor of the hotel made you nervous. There were a lot of twist and turns and you thought that he would jump out at any given time. You always looked behind you seeing that one of the boys’ security guards was following you. You never let go of Niall’s hand because you were afraid that you would lose him and be caught by thou who shalt not be named. You were scared. Once Niall opened the door to your room you hurried inside. He stared at you after he took the bags from the bellhop. He then shut the door and locked it. He walked over to you and wrapped his arms around you.

“Judith, is everything alright?” he asked

“Yeah…everything is fine,” you muttered.

“Jude, please tell me what is bothering you,” he answered.

“Niall, it feels weird to be here,” you whispered.

“Why?” he asked

“All that has happened to me here. My parents’ divorce. My horrible years in high school. My horrible relationship. He’s out there, Niall. He’s waiting for me to be alone and then he is going to attack,” you started to cry.

Niall pulled you close, “Judith, I won’t let him hurt you. I won’t let him do that to you. I won’t let him come within eye sight distance of you. I don’t want him to destroy you. He won’t get passed me.”

“Thank you Niall,” you whispered.

“Judith, I love you. I would never let anything bad happen to you,” he responded kissing your forehead.

After talking for a while you wanted to shower. That bus ride really made you feel icky. You got your pajamas out and headed into the bathroom. You locked the door behind you and started to undress. You turned on the water as you continued to get undress. You then stared at yourself in the mirror.

Niall has never seen me naked before. He has never seen these scars. Scars from my surgery. Scars from me harming myself. I like to touch the skin where the bruises were. I can name the exact date on which I received them. I had a bruise on my neck. That was the first one. That was on January 30th. Since it was winter I wore turtle necks until it faded. The next two I got at the same time. One on my left shoulder and the other on my right hip. The right hip one was from when he kicked me. The shoulder bruise was from when he punched me. That was my Valentine’s Day present. Lucky me, right?

He didn’t hit me for a while after that. The day my parents got divorced is when I got my next ones. That was March 16th. He kicked me in my legs which made me fall to the ground. Then he punched my temple. That was a lot harder. I think I became unconscious then. I also got bruises on my arms too that day. Then I will never forget my birthday. Oh that was a glorious day for him. My birthday, May 24th, was one of the worst days of my life. Steve said that I deserved it. He kicked me in my gut. He hit my head against the wall. He broke my right wrist. He covered my mouth with duct tape so no one could hear my screams. He stepped on my foot spraining it, almost breaking it, with the massive weight he had gained since he was working out at the gym. Except I don’t think he needed to work at the gym. After all I am his punching bag. I am his human punching bag.

This all happened at my house. In my room. In my living room. And my parents never suspected a thing until they saw me laying on the floor, bleeding, unconscious, on my last stroke of air. They called 911 and the medics arrived but I blacked out as they loaded me into the ambulance. I was unconscious for three days. My mom and dad kept apologizing to me except it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know what he was capable of. They didn’t know that he was doing this to me. I let him do this to me and I got the bruises to prove it.

My body is so broken and torn that I could never think about Niall wanting to fuck this. I could never even imagine him wanting to touch it. I’m surprised he has lasted this long with someone as broken as me. Why fix something when it wasn’t broken. I’m broken but I don’t want to be fixed. Well, not the way most people want to be fixed. I’m fine the way I am. It’s better off this way.

There was a knock on the door. You were startled by the sound as it echoed against the running water. You had locked yourself in the bathroom. You wiped your cheeks that were stained with tears because you were thinking about all the horrible memories you have had. Then the knock happened again.

“Judith, are you okay?” he asked. It was Niall.

“Yeah, just going in the shower now. I’ll be right out,” you responded.

“I love you,” he called out.

“I love you too,” you whispered against the door before leaving it to get in the shower.

You let the warm water touch your skin. This is the only thing that was allowed to touch you. The water seemed to be washing away your sorrows. Flowing down your chest which led down to your legs. The water pushed your sorrows through the cracks of your toes which then got washed down the drain and into the pipes. Where those sorrows go from the pipes is a mystery. They were gone. You had a new life. A new boyfriend. And it made you happy.