Forever Alone

You and Niall spent the day touring the city. You guys went to the zoo which made you feel like a child. You guys went to Times Square and just admired all the beauty that came with it. You also went to the Statue of Liberty. That was a lot of fun. You were a bit tired from climbing all the stairs though. You weren’t a young child anymore. You were getting closer to death day by day even though it was years from now. Niall let you relax every so often so that you could catch your breath and you continued on your journey.

You guys even went to a Yankees game. You weren’t really much for baseball but it was a lot of fun. Niall caught a foul ball and he gave it to you. It was a wonderful day. They had a kiss cam during the seventh inning stretch and the camera spotted you two. You were forced to kiss Niall but you didn’t care. You were falling in love with him. After that kiss his hand never left yours. You were starting to love him more just as this day progressed. He was just everything you had hoped for. You need him in your life. Without him your life would be? Pointless.

You and Niall were now taking a walk through Central Park before meeting everyone else up for dinner. He wanted to spend just a little more time with you before the rest of the guys got to see you. Louis has been dying to see you because he has been texting you all day. Niall was kind of jealous but Louis had a girlfriend. Why did he was to be so jealous?

The sun was starting to set over the skyline of the city. It was starting to get a bit chilly as you guys strolled through the park. Niall held your hand as you winded through all the twists and turns in the park. You really did miss him. You missed his laugh and how distinctive it was and how you could spot it out of anywhere. You missed his beautiful smile and how whenever he smiled the world seemed to smile. He was the happiest man on Earth and nothing can bring him off this cloud so to speak. He was generally happy which made you happy. And this is one of the happiest you have been since you could remember.

Niall’s eyes were your favorite thing about him well besides his wonderful personality. You loved the way they sparkled underneath the sun and how when the moon shined against them they seemed to get lighter. You love that when you look into his eyes you can get lost in them. Forgetting about the world and those around you. Just loosing yourself in them. Not being able to grab hold of what lies on the outside but just falling off a cliff with an endless drop. Not knowing when you’re going to land or not. Looking down and all you see is blue. Blue sky. Blue color. Blue eyes.

Walking through the park and winding down all the twists and turns made you start to think about how far you have come. Judith, you have come so far. You have been beaten by your ex-boyfriend. You went through your parents’ brutal divorce. You learned to not only trust your heart but to trust yourself. You learned that only you can make the best decisions for yourself. You don’t need anyone to guide you or hold your hand. You just need yourself to take charge and push through all that you have. You mustn’t think that you are useless because you aren’t. You have been broken, beaten, and disappointed throughout your whole life and you haven’t let that stop you. Life has thrown you so many twists and turns that it seems impossible that you will be on the straight-away anytime soon. You have amazed me, Judith. I really am proud of you.

Thank you. I know I have been through a lot but I couldn’t have done it without the people I love and cherish. Rachel and Bridgette are the ones who have helped me push through this life I was so unfortunate to have. They have helped me get better. They’re my support. They know that sometimes they may push me too far but I need to be pushed. You can’t expect life to be easy. And walking down this path and winding through all the twists and turns made me reflect on it. Life isn’t straightforward. Life is challenging. Life is hard. I know from experience that you can’t take the easy way out. You got to fight. And that’s what I did. I fought for myself and I have those I love in my corner. They help make sure that everything is okay.

Life isn’t meant to be a piece of cake. Life is meant to challenge you to your full extent. If you aren’t sweating then your life is worthless. You are pushed to your boundaries causing you to think outside the box. Making you wonder what is right or wrong. Sometimes you got to just close your eyes and pick a way. Just start walking. It may be challenging along the way. It may push you until you’re uncomfortable. But that’s what it is all about. Life isn’t about waiting for things to happen either. It’s about finding them. If you look then you shall find. My grandma used to tell me this story.

She told me about these pigs or some other type of farm animal. I forget but I never forgot what she told me what the moral of the story was. You know since every story has some sort of reason behind why things happen. She goes, “Things happen for a reason but it depends on how you handle it that matters. If you are too frail you will blow away. You will be so light that you will be blown away in the wind. If you are not too frail and are unsure of things then it will take a little more energy to be blown away or broken. But if you are strong and steady, no matter how hard people may try no matter how much energy they put behind it, you will not be blown away. You will stand your ground. You are independent. You are strong. You are powerful. You will be faced with many challenges throughout your life but if you believe in who you are and what you stand for then you won’t get blown away.” Wise I know.

Things do happen for a reason. She did have a point. Life will throw you curveballs and what not. Life will challenge you to an extent but it’s you who has to make sure you can handle it. If you are the type that’s frail or unsure then you must find someone to make you get stronger. To make you that strong person you were destined to be. I look at myself and all that has happened to me and I have seen all the hurt and all the pain it has caused me. I look at myself and just think that I was worthless. That I had no being in this world. But then I remembered what my grandma said to me. She told me that I shouldn’t be afraid of life. Life isn’t all glitter and trampolines. Life is about struggle, darkness, and needs. But if we work hard and dream then we can accomplish anything. Even if it has to do with bringing ourselves out of the dark. I’m sorry if I rambled on too much it’s just you got me thinking. You got me to really question myself. Really see how far I have come. Really make me believe in myself. And you should believe in yourself too because you are an amazing person. You are phenomenal. You deserve to be happy.

Happy like you, Judith? Happy like me. I promise , you will be happy even if it is for a short while but sometimes that makes all the difference. Having that small ounce of happiness could make all the difference. I wish you happiness even when life is as crooked and backwards as it may seem.

Thanks Judith. You seemed to have changed. I have changed. I have changed for the better. Changed for myself. Changed for everything that is important to me. It’s because I’m happy. Happiness changes who you are whether you want to or not. It’s because I have someone to love me even though he hasn’t told me. And how do you know? I can feel it in my heart. Trust me. It’s true.