Forever Alone

You were snapped out of your heart aching pain by a knock on the door. You just sat on your bed staring at the wall. You didn’t want to move. You didn’t want to get up. You were heart broken right now and nothing could make you feel better. You wanted to curl up in a ball and just die. You just wanted to die. You wanted to end your life. Nothing could make you feel better yet you couldn’t end your life. You couldn’t leave Bridgette, Rachel, and the boys behind. You wanted to run away from your problems and not look back. You didn’t want them to know about this. Your phone buzzed and it was a text from Bridgette. She was probably wondering where you were. You didn’t want to pick it up. You wanted to just sit there and not worry about anything. You didn’t want them here feeling sorry for you. That’s how you always were. You didn’t want people to say that they were sorry and that it was all going to be okay. Was it going to be okay? Will you be alright? Will it ever be the same?

“Judith, can I come in?” you heard in the distance.

You couldn’t say anything. You couldn’t talk. You were broken. Broken into a million pieces laying on the cold floor. You were bleeding on the inside. All your pain was seeping through your pores. You just wanted all the pain to go away. You started to cry again. The tears were forming in your eyes and you just didn’t want to cry. You just sat there doing nothing. You felt numb. You were so numb and the feeling was going away. It felt like Steve was beating you again. Your whole body ached. You tried to get up and your legs started to shake. You sat back down trying to make sense of all that happened. He was no longer yours and it hurt. You didn’t know what to think or say.

“Judith, can I come in?” the voice repeated.

You didn’t answer. You couldn’t answer. You can’t let anyone see you like this. You didn’t want anyone to hug you. You didn’t want anyone trying to make you feel any better. You can’t feel better. It was all going to be downhill from here.

“Judith, I’m coming in,” the voice responded.

You heard your door open up. You heard footsteps walk through the room. You were staring into your mirror looking at your face. Your tear stained face and your red puffy eyes glared back at you. Making you feel hopeless and lifeless. You were done. You saw the voice that was standing outside your door. It was Niall. You forgot that he was there and you didn’t want him seeing you. He just looked at you mortified. He was horrified by the sight in front of him. He has never seen you like this. The only people who have seen you look like this were Rachel and Bridgette and your brother, Mark.

“Judith, is everything alright?” he asked

You didn’t even look at him. You were scared to answer anything. You didn’t want him to have this on his plate. You didn’t want him to listen to you. You didn’t want anyone to know. You didn’t want to say one word to anyone because then they would know what happened and then the pity parties would start. Judith, you have been quiet this whole time. What’s going through your mind?

Everything is a jumbled mess. Part of me feels used and betrayed. Another part of me is happy it is over. I won’t be lonely anymore when it comes to people being out of my life. Maybe this is my wake up call. Maybe this is my mind’s way of telling me that I am going to be alone forever. Maybe I won’t feel hurt no more. Then again I sit here feeling lonely and heartbroken. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I just want everything to go away. A part of me wanted to be back in the hospital where I was all by myself and happy. A part of me wished that this never happened. Why do bad things always happen to me? Why must I always be the victim of what happen? Why does no one stay with me? Why do I push everyone I love away? I’m surprised that Rachel and Bridgette haven’t left me. Was I really that broken? Am I really some sort of charity case? Do they feel like I need them? Well, I need them. They are my rock in all this. They are the two people that I really trust. They are everything to me. I love them and I don’t know where I would be without them. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess you were right when you said that I’m going to be forever alone. I will be. I have to be. This is my fate. My fate is to have my heart broken by every guy on this planet until I realize that I will be alone for most of my life. This heartbroken feeling that I have going on is going to start to feel like numbness at the rate I am going.

“Judith, say something,” Niall stood in front of you.

“Go,” you whispered.

“What?” he asked

“Go,” you repeated.

“Why should I go?” he asked

“Go,” you answered.

“Judith, tell me why?” he asked

“Go,” you spoke again.

“Judith, is everything okay?” he asked

“Go,” you replied.

“Judith, say something else besides go,” he told you.

“Get the fuck out of my room!” you screamed.

“Judith, what’s wrong?” he asked

“JUST FUCKING GO!” you shouted.

“Fine I’m gone,” he left shutting the door behind him.

You sat there motionless. He hated you and you didn’t care. He wasn’t yours to begin with. Why should he care about you? Right Judith? Yeah why should he care about me? He isn’t my lover and we aren’t together so why should he be interested in what is going on in my life? Why would he want someone as broken as me? Why would he want to hear my charity case stories that he probably has never experience? He is perfect and he has never felt broken. He has never felt alone like I have. He has never seen life through my eyes. He is some pop star in a boyband that hasn’t experienced heartbreak or anything so heart wrenching that rips apart the soul. He makes a lot of money and plus he gets to explore the world and here I am. I am alone forever trying to make life work. Trying to figure out where I am going. Trying to figure out who I can trust. Trying to figure out what makes my life worth living. Trying to make my life work. Trying just to be me and no one else. Trying to find out what the true meaning behind my life is. Trying to find answers. The answers to so many questions I have questioned throughout my life and yet they were never answered. Maybe I will find my answers. I got to try. It never hurts to try then again I tried dating again and look where that got me. All I feel is numbness and hurt. I don’t know if I will ever be the same.

Judith, you can get through this. You just need some time to think about what has happened. Judith, there is always bad things that happen but they bring out the good. The good is coming to you. What if my life isn’t meant to be good? What if I am meant to be broken and feel unloved? What if I am meant to be a worthless piece of shit that no one wants? Name one person who cares about me besides Rachel, Bridgette, and Mark. Tell me that this person who knows nothing about me cares about me. I know you care about me but name someone else who cares about me. GO AHEAD!

Niall cares about you. No he doesn’t. He has a perfect relationship with his girlfriend. He doesn’t want me anymore. Judith, he wanted to help but you wouldn’t let him. He loves you Judith but you are too angry at hating yourself making people feel bad for you to even notice. Judith, cut your fucking crap and grow the fuck up. You need Rachel, Bridgette, Mark, Louis, the rest of the boys, and Niall to help you. They are your friends. Don’t say that no one cares for you. You think that story is going to cut it with me. Well, I’m tired of your shit Judith. These people love you. They want to help you but you are too afraid to let them in. Stop being afraid and just do it. You need them in your life. You need them to help you. They can help you get through this.

Judith, please say something. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean to. You got me so frustrated that I needed to say what was on my mind. Judith, please don’t hate me. I need you Judith. Please say something. Please for the love of Jesus say something. Thank you.