Forever Alone

Tonight arrived for the party. It was just a matter of weeks until John came back. You told him that you were going to the boys’ party and he was okay with it. He said that you needed to have a little fun while he was away. He had nothing to worry about. You weren’t going to bring anyone home. You wanted nothing more than to lie in his arms at night and listen to his sweet snore escape from his mouth. You loved him. You were falling for him.

You decided on a nice short blue dress. Blue was your favorite color. It was a light blue color and it really popped against your skin tone. Since it is around springtime you go out in the sunlight and you get some sort of color to your skin. You loved that about yourself. You rarely got sunburn. You had a nice color going on. You weren’t too dark or too pale. You felt right. You curled your hair into ringlets and they framed your face quite well. You put on some makeup because Rachel said you needed some sort of covering. Who the hell knows what that means? You put on your silver sparkly flats. You weren’t really one for heels. You were ready to go. Then you noticed that your phone was lit up. You missed the call. It was John. You wanted to call him back. You told your friends to go to the club without you. You told them that you would be there shortly.

You dialed the number and no one picked up. He had just called. Did he butt dial you or something? Did he not want to talk to you anymore? Did he realize that he called you by accident? He knew you were going out tonight but maybe he forgot and figured that he would catch you before you started to drift off to sleep. Or maybe he thought that he would call you before he fell asleep. You dialed a couple more times and still no answer. You decided against calling him anymore so you decided to head out the door. You opened the door and on the other side was Niall. He stared you up and down and a smile crept across his face. You wanted to slap it off.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him

“Bridgette told me to wait for you. She said you had to make a phone call?” he asked

“Yeah John called but he isn’t answering now,” you told him.

Just then your phone started ringing. You had to take this. You invited Niall inside and he sat down on the couch. You picked up the phone and ran into your room. You didn’t want Niall to hear this conversation. He might get jealous of your relationship.

“Hello,” you called out.

“Hey love,” he answered.

“Hey John,” you replied.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer before I was finishing something up,” he told you.

“It’s okay. I was just about to head out,” you told him.

“Oh I forgot you had your party tonight,” he answered.

“So what’s up?” you asked

“Judith, we need to talk,” he answered.

“We are talking silly,” you replied.

“Well, I just got told that I will be staying here another two months,” he blurted out.

“Oh,” you said with hurt in your voice.

“I know you must be pissed,” he answered.

“No it’s fine,” you told him even though you were lying.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t expect this. Tammy wants me to stay with her. I told her I would,” he answered.

He has always brought this Tammy girl up whenever you talked to him. Was there something going on between them that you didn’t know? Was he trying to tell you something about him and Tammy? Was this his way of breaking up with you? But he always told you how much he loved you time and time again. Who was this Tammy girl anyway? Why does she want him to stay with her? Wait he has mentioned Tammy before. She was an intern with him at the hospital. John said that she had a boyfriend. I wonder if she broke up with him when she left him to go to Africa. That means that she has time to get closer to John. He always told you that you had nothing to worry about. Judith, he is faithful. He would never hurt you like that.

“Judith, you still there?” he asked

“Yeah,” you answered.

“There is just one more thing I need to tell you,” he replied.

“And what is that?” you asked and you really didn’t want to know the answer.

“I have been thinking,” he started, “We have been together for some time now and it’s been fantastic. Judith, you know that I love you.”

“Are you asking me to marry you?” you asked

“No,” he answered.

“Then what is it?” you questioned.

“I have been doing a lot of thinking and being away from you has ripped me apart. Tammy told me that distance can do a number on a relationship. She also told me that she broke up with her boyfriend of two years because she knew it wasn’t going to work once she came here,” he told you.

“So what are you saying?” you asked

“Judith, you are a great girl and I do adore you but,” he started.

“Save it. I know what you are going to say,” you told him.

“Judith, please listen to me,” he begged.

“Tammy made you realize that you don’t need me anymore and that you need her. Well, I wish you all the luck,” you told him.

“Judith, it’s not Tammy,” he answered.

“Then who is it?” you asked

“It’s the distance. I can’t hurt you anymore by being away for so long. I love you Judith but this isn’t going to work out,” he told you.

You stood there frozen. It wasn’t going to work out. You hung up the phone. You dropped your phone to the ground. You had wasted five months crying over him hoping that he would come home to you. Hoping that one day you would marry him. And what does he do? He throws a curve ball causing you to spiral out of control. Judith, are you okay?

I’m fine. Really I am fine. I just need some time to process what has just happened. I mean I know we are no longer together. I mean I should just curl up in a ball and just die because my heart has been ripped out of my chest. This feeling is just so horrible. My heart aches with such pain that I just want to cut it out. Why does my heart hurt like this? The last time I felt like this was when Niall started dating Donna. My heart feels like 100 pounds and that it’s trying to seep to the floor breaking into a million pieces. I mean I never felt like this. Please tell me that it gets better. Please tell me that I will be okay. Judith, that’s one promise that I can’t make. I’m sorry.