Forever Alone

Your eyes shot opened. You noticed your ceiling. Your body was wet. Were you sweating? You touched your body and nothing hurt. You got up and ran to the bathroom. You looked in the mirror and noticed that everything about your body was normal. There were no bruises or cuts. Your body was fine. You did notice the scar on your stomach from when you had surgery from when Steve kicked you so hard it did something to your insides. You had to have surgery so they could repair it and to make sure everything was okay. You never forgot that day. That was the day that you guys broke up. Your dad insisted you get a restraining order on this boy yet you didn’t want to. You didn’t want him to possibly come after you and seek revenge. You didn’t want to go through that pain again.

Judith if you get a restraining order he could never hurt you again. See that’s where you are wrong. Steve would see that as a motive to come and beat me. He would seize the opportunity and take charge and use more of his anger out on me. If I don’t have one he wouldn’t see no reason to come after me. I’m being the bigger person. Whatever you say, Judith.

You checked your body one more time and headed back to bed. When you crawled back in you realized that it was only five in the morning. What was this? You needed your rest. Hopefully you won’t have a nightmare again. I have had nightmares about him before. What do you mean Judith? This is the fifth time I have had a nightmare with him. It was always the same. He blamed me for kissing some boy when I never did. He always found a reason to blame me when it was his fault we broke up. I’m sorry Judith. It’s okay there is nothing you could do to fix this. I mean it’s not like we were friends back that then. You didn’t know what he was capable of. It isn’t your fault I got beaten. It was my fault. No it wasn’t Judith. Steve is just a jerk and doesn’t deserve to be loved by anyone. Your right but I made the mistake of loving him. Judith, don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know that this was going to happen. I could’ve stopped it way before it got that bad. I hate myself for going that far. Judith, is this why you went into the hospital? Yes.

See after Steve and I broke up he kept calling telling me I was a worthless piece of crap. He told me that he never loved me and that he wasted his time with me. He wasted those two years on a nobody. He told me I was going nowhere in life and that I should just kill myself. The worst part is I actually believed him. Do you know how many times I wanted to end my life? I thought about suicide almost every day but I could never do that. I had my brother who would miss me and my little sister who would have no one to love her. Once my parents got divorced they were the only two people who actually cared. My parents were always fighting about who’s fault it was for the divorce yet they never paid attention to us. My brother found my suicide note that I wrote one day and once I got released from the hospital he gave it to me. I still have it. I have it to remind me that suicide isn’t the answer when I’m feeling down. Suicide is never the answer no matter how low you feel.

The only way to get out of that deep depression is to remind you of those who love you. I thought about my big brother, Mark, and my little sister, Annabelle, who always told me how much they loved me. They loved me because I was me. Mark brought Annabelle once to visit me since she was too young to understand what was wrong with me. She cried when she saw me and I cried too. I mean she is everything to me. She was the reason I was getting better. I had to be better so I could watch her grow up. So I could see her get married and be happy. She took me out of my deep depression and isolated me from what was tearing me apart and brought me back to the surface of who I used to be. Mark kept reminding me that I had to get better for her. He didn’t want me to get better because of him he wanted me to get better for Annabelle. She needed her big sister and she needed me to come home.

Home. I haven’t been there in a while. I haven’t talked to Mark since I have left. Mark chose to live with my dad and he took Annabelle with him. I didn’t want her to stay with our crazy mother. Our mother was devastated that all of us wanted to leave her and go with my father. My mother was a little out of the ordinary. She got ticked off easily and she smacked us when we were smaller. Mark and I stopped her from beating Annabelle and that is what started the divorce. The other reason was that my dad was fed up with her. He left her and about a year later he found someone different. He got married to her and now they live with Annabelle back in America. Mark told me when I was in the hospital that he had moved in with someone. Mark was gay and that was another thing my parents argued about. My mom blamed my dad for Mark being gay. In the end Mark moved out after he graduated high school when I was fourteen. He left me and my baby sister at home. I’m ten years older than Annabelle. Mark left us behind but he soon returned when I started high school. He helped me with all my work.

My parents got divorced when I was sixteen. I was more than devastated. How could two people just throw away everything they had built as a couple? Why did they get married in the first place? Why didn’t they save themselves time and just never got married and had us kids? Then again I would never be close to my brother and sister if my parents never got a divorce or left us alone. My family did consist of my mom and dad but they were rarely there for me. When I went into the hospital my dad came and visited me to apologize. He wanted to apologize for all the harm he has caused me. He wanted to tell me that he was sorry that he wasn’t there when I needed him the most. He apologized for not being a great dad. He was a great dad but he was dealing with a lot. He was being blamed for the divorce because my mom thought he was a bad person. In reality he wasn’t he just wanted what was best for us. He accepted us as we were and he never loved us less. He was a great dad and just because he wasn’t really there for me physically but I knew he still cared.

My father has supported me in my life here. Mark has supported me too. My mom on the other hand doesn’t support me. She was against this whole going to a different country. That’s another thing my parents argued about. I always blamed myself for their arguments and that’s how I started to get depressed ya know? I felt like I was the reason they always fought but I was reminded that it wasn’t my fault. They fought because they weren’t happy and that was the cause of all the fights.

Steve and I had the same relationship as my parents yet my dad never beat my mom. My mom never let it get that far. I being weak due to my parents fighting I gave into Steve’s ways and he would beat me to get his angry out. I was his punching bag. I took so many hits from him that I started to enjoy it. The pain caused me to forget about my parents’ divorce and everything else bad in my life. Nothing could make me feel better than the pain he had given to me. Nothing seemed to make the pain go away then him hitting me. That was until I realized that the pain he had caused me made me more depressed.

Judith, your story is very different. Judith, is very nice that you are getting this off your chest. They need to know how hard your life has been and that you are not so attention craving whore. You need them to know who you were and compare it to what you have become. Judith, I’m proud of hard far you have come. I’m proud that you have done all you can to make sure you are happy. Judith, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to find happiness in your life. Don’t worry about these nightmares about Steve. He can’t hurt you anymore Judith. Bridgette and Rachel won’t let that happen. Niall won’t let that happen even if you aren’t dating him. Judith, your friends are here for you and they won’t let anyone hurt you. I won’t let him hurt you. Thank you. I’m glad you are someone I can open up to. Judith, I am always here whenever you need me. I won’t leave you and I certainly won’t hurt you like people have towards you. I love you Judith. I love you too.