Gone

It should've been me who had been in that car crash. It's what I deserved. If it wasn't for my big mouth, he'd still be here instead of lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life. I curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed on top of my covers and closed my eyes, wishing things were different. Just the thought of losing him killed me a little inside.

I was still having trouble comprehending what had just happened. It just didn't feel real or even possible. I was waiting to wake up from this dreadful nightmare but unfortunately I wasn't asleep. This was real, this was actually happening. I wasn't sure how to react or what to do or even think about all this. I was upset that he'd been hurt but angry because it was basically because of me.

I was preparing for the worst. The worst being him dying without me even getting to say goodbye. I needed closure. I needed to know if he still loved me. Could you just stop loving someone? Was that possible? With Josh it was very possible but that was something completely different.

Suddenly, Mum came rushing into my room with a strange expression on her face. Whatever she was about to tell me wasn't going to be good news. I just knew it.

"Love, Niall passed away during the surgery. I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do or get you..."
I stopped listening. Everything had stopped. It was over, done. The metaphorical star exploded into a billion pieces. There was no undo button in life. I couldn't just press ctrl z and everything would go back to normal. Life would never be normal again.

Dad came and sat on the bed, rubbing my back and telling me it was going to be okay. It wasn't going to be okay. I hadn't moved at all. I couldn't. It was like my body was paralysed but my brain was as active as ever. I politely told them both to leave. They did so quickly and quietly.

I wish I felt nothing. It would be better, easier. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming as hot tears dribbled down my face. I covered my face with my hands and rocked back and forth, trying to calm down. It didn't help. My lungs tightened as I gasped for air.

I was ashamed of myself for breaking down, for not being strong but I just couldn't fight it anymore. My phone buzzed on my bedside table but I ignored it. I just wanted to be alone, to dwell on my misery. I wondered what would happen if I just disappeared, if anyone would even notice. There was no point in trying anymore. No point in living or even breathing. He was gone.

Notes

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