Always.

The week is over half way finished. It’s Thursday, which is good because I completely slept in today on accident, forgetting about our late morning. I always forget about Thursdays meaning that I can wake up an hour later than normal, but it’s probably best considering I would probably end up double sleeping in?

The day went by slowly though due to, despite my extra sleep, me being tired as hell. I was ready to get home, finish my homework . . . maybe, and go back to bed when the end of the school day finally came.

Upon arriving at my home, I changed from my jeans into a comfy gray pair of leggings, and left my loose purple shirt to cover the top half of my body. While I was getting comfortable I decided to take my bra off, freeing myself, which was the best feeling in the world.

I had finished my calculus after two hours of wanting to pull my hair out, throw my calculator across the room, and debating throwing by book in the paper shredder. But I like my hair, my calculator was expensive, and my book was too big to fit in the shredder. The only thing that kept me going was the feeling of accomplishment when I actually finished and I will be content with that until I walk into class tomorrow and see all of my answers are incorrect.

After finishing my Spanish homework and studying for the vocabulary quiz in English tomorrow, I leave the comforts of my bedroom and walk to the kitchen on the search for something to satisfy my tummy’s needs.

I search through the cabinets, the pantry, and the fridge multiple times and find nothing. As I throw the bag of chips I pulled out back onto its shelf the front door opens.

“Hey dad.” I greet once I turn and see him closing the door behind him.

“Hey Kelly.” He yawns.

“How are you?” how do these conversations get awkward so quickly?

“Good, what are you making?” he asks, peaking at me in the kitchen.

“Just a grilled avocado and cheese I think. Do you want one?” I finally decide on my meal.

“No. I’m just going to go to bed, long day.” He yawns again, making his way past the kitchen and to his bedroom. “Night Kelly.”

“Goodnight dad.”

“Love you.”

I almost roll my eyes and reply sarcastically, almost. “Love you too.” I almost whisper as I aggressively chip the avocado. I didn’t even realize I was abusing the poor fruit.

I clean up the small mess I made in the kitchen is cleaned up as I leave, my sandwich hanging from my fingers as I take baby bites from it.

I open the door knob to my bedroom door. “Holy!” I raise my voice. “Shit, Harry! You scared the hell out of me.” I tell him, my voice obviously lower as I shut my bedroom door behind me.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, sitting on the cushioned bench at the foot of my bed.

“Rough day?” I asked, sitting by him and pointing to the bottle of Jack Daniel’s in his hand.

“You have no fucking clue,” he answers, with apparent anger tracing his voice. He took a swig of the alcohol, and as I look closely I can see he has already started drinking it.

His hair is pushed back in a flat greasy looking mess and prominent dark circle were under his eyes.

“How much have you had?” I ask eyeing him closely.

“Not enough.” He answers with another drink.

“What happened?” I grab the bottle from his hand and take a drink of the burning liquid. “Have you eaten?”

“No,” he shakes his head. I hand Harry my sandwich that is only missing a couple for small bites from it. “Thanks.” He says, eating the sandwich in two bites when it would have taken me 30 bites.

“What happened?” I repeat, attempting to encourage him to talk to me about what is going on instead of getting angry.

“I just can’t fucking handle this all of this bullshit anymore.” He yanks the bottle from my hands and drink again.

“Harry.” I want him to talk to me, even though it’s no use.

“Let’s play ‘name a reason your life is shit then drink.’”

“Your life isn’t shit, Harry.”

“Are you playing or not?”

I grab the bottle from him and pull up my knees from the ground. “My best friend can be a dick sometimes.” I drink, putting the bottle in the middle of us.

“I’m a dick.” He says, drinking and putting it back where it was.

“My step father is a drunk and I shouldn’t be doing this… or letting you do this.” But I drink again anyway.

“My family is falling apart.” Drink.

“Mine already has.” Drink.

“I miss Gem.” Drink.

“I miss my mother.” Drink.

We stare each other in the eye during ever question and every drink we take. Once I start laughing during every drink I realize that the shots have taken their course, but Harry is worse and not in a good way. “I think that’s enough,” I giggle, grabbing the bottle and placing it on the floor next to me.

“No,” he tries to lean over, but I stop him by pushing him away from it. “I just want to forget everything.” He says, placing his head in his hands and laughs. “I want to forget. I try Kelly, I really do but I’m losing control and I’m just angry.” He yanks at his hair and chokes up. “Help me forget.” He begs.

I move over closer to him and place my hand on his back and rub circles.

“Please Kel, help me forget.” He asks again, placing a hand on my thigh.

I bite my lip, knowing this isn’t a good idea. Nothing is ever a good idea when we drink together and if I was in my right mind right now I would tell him to go home and get some sleep, but I’m not in my right mind. Plus I know Harry, and I know how he gets when he’s drunk, upset, and hurt.

As the thoughts of Harry and I’s current state flood my mind, I am shocked to see how close Harry really is to me. His lips are next to my ear and his disarrayed hair is tickling my jaw. “Please,” His warm breath is on my ear and shivers are sent through my body. One of his hands moved and was placed on my lower back when he continued his plea, “help me forget, Kelly.” He chokes back a sob and in this moment he is the only thing that matters to me.

I let out a shaky breath as his lips connect to the skin below my ear. I go absolutely crazy as his mouth travels down to my neck and moves harshly against my skin.

“Harry.” I whisper.

He hooked his arms around my and lifted me onto the bed. As he lowered me onto the bed, his hands moved to the hem of my loose shirt.

Fingertips trailed up my sides as he continued sucking on my neck and my hand moves to his messy hair, and I run my fingers through it.

As his big hands cover the exposed skin from the rise of my shirt, I shiver under him.

“The door.” I whisper, remembering it wasn’t locked and my father could just walk in.

Harry leaves a small kiss on my neck before getting off me and walking to the door. I try to gather my composure and shift upwards in the bed before he turns off the light, and the only thing lighting the room is the moon peering through my curtains.

Harry makes his way toward me again, the light that creeps into the room appears on his now naked torso.

He climbs over me again, knees on either side of my closed legs. His hands slip up my back causing my shirt to rise again. Fingertips are pressed deeply into my skin pulling my closer to him as his lips roughly move down my jaw.

“This isn’t a good idea.” I whisper, barely audible. I don’t know why my mouth chooses to listen to my brain now.

“I need you,” he lays his forehead under my chin. “I need you to help me forget.” His hot breath runs down the valley of my breasts.

“It’s only temporary. . .” I remind him and myself.

Harry takes a deep shaky breath and yanks the front of my shirt till it’s bunched up under my breast, hovering over me staring hungrily down at me. His hand moved down the center of my stomach and quickly under my leggings and panties, touching my most sensitive area and further until his finger pushed inside of me.

I bit my lip at his gaze and watched as his head move to my stomach. He began at the top, first with his tongue then he got rough, dragging his teeth over my skin. Only it didn’t hurt, it was exciting and I couldn’t help but let my back arch off the ground, rolling as he made his way further down. I was struggling for breath from all the sensation.

When he reached the top of my leggings he pulled his finger out and pulled the leggings and panties from my legs. He spread them and rested his knees before me. My breath hitched as he lowered down, his tongue licking up my center roughly, already showing no mercy.

Whimpers fell from my lips as my eyes squeeze shut, handing digging in to the blanket that covers my bad. His name falls from my mouth a few times and his hands firmly grab ahold of the back of my thighs.

I try to open my eyes, but the pleasure is too overwhelming as he sticks his finger in again, tongue flicking over my clit.

I can’t focus on anything, so I move my hand to his hair tugging it as I struggle to stay still in his hold. It doesn’t work and my back arches off the bed. His finger is removed and is replaced by his tongue moving over and over again.

“Ah, Harry.” It’s almost too much, and the closer I get the harder I tug on his hair that is wound between my fingers.

As the pleasure builds up inside of me, I wiggle more and more in his hold speaking his name over and over.

His tongue is moved from my entrance and flicks my clit on more time, causing the excitement to run through my body and sit up on the bed with his and still between my legs.

“Oh, my God.” I pant, our foreheads now against one and other and my other hand moves into his hair. “Harry.” I breathe.

I watch his tongue move around his lips, licking off the access. We stare into each other’s eyes while catching our breath.

I only notice then his hand on the bulge in his pants as I peek down. I look him in the eyes again and my hand travels down and palms him. He bites his lip in pleasure and pulls my body closer to his. “Kel.” he whispers. “Shit.” Our noses are touching, lips centimeters apart, breath hitting each other’s open mouths when he stops me and gets of the bed, making his way to the bathroom.

He’s gone for less than a minute when he returns from solving his problem so he doesn’t have to go home for a pair of boxers, enough time for me to slide my panties back on.

As he shuts off the bathroom light and makes his way back to my bed, I scoot back again and put my head against the wall.

He gets in next to me and attempts to pull up the covers. “Let’s sleep.” He whispers, rapidly blinking.

“Yea.” I nod my head, guilt coursing through my body along with something else I’ve never felt before and I’m not sure what it is.

As the blanket is pulled over us, I try to scoot away from Harry but he pulls me close to him so we’re spooning. “We’ve never kissed.” He muttered tiredly.

It wasn’t exactly true; we pecked in the fourth grade. “And for good reason.” I whisper back before I hear the light snores coming from behind me.

I lie awake on my bed while thinking about tonight’s events. I’m not the girl who sleep around or allows guys to pleasure me orally and I feel like I am. Harry is the only one who’s every touched me like that, but only when we’ve been drinking. Usually it’s out of anger or frustration because as calm and nice as Harry usually is, he can only hold so much in for so long. This is the second time this has happened since we’ve been friends, but I’m not saying that makes it okay.

I’m scared it will potentially ruin the relationship we have but we forgot about it the last time and we can surely get through it again. I just don’t want things to get complicated and he knows that and I don’t know why I let that happen and I want to say I didn’t enjoy it.

As long as we don’t kiss, we might be okay. I almost live by Pretty Women and we aren’t together we can’t kiss on the lips because it makes everything more intimate, more real. At least now we can pretend that we aren’t, right?

As much as I hated it, I fell asleep with thoughts of Harry and our friendship running through my mind.

When I wake to my alarm in the morning, I notice Harry is no longer in the bed with me.

I shouldn’t feel sad, but I do.

Notes