Once Upon A Time...

Staring at the wall while laying on my bed, my mind wandered.

This is me - Rion Luev`en Jordan. Average – long haired brunette, sapphire eyes, 5’8 height. Might not be too average to other people, but it is to him.

When I was little, I thought I had it all, the cute looks, perfect family – But, as I grew up, I was exposed to the hidden, dark truths about my life. My family was much more corrupted than most. My parents – I don’t think they ever loved one another. They don’t even love me. I remember doing school plays and musicals – they never showed.

“I, I won’t cry”

That’s why I was always desperate for it. Love. I thought it would help me overcome this loneliness. I had always dreamed of it; that burning passion, that indescribable feeling, that lasts forever.

But love – its not what they all say it is. It’s not dangerous, it’s not hurtful, it’s the rejection that hurts you- not the love.

I met him in 8th grade; he was perfect. But he had a girlfriend. He never noticed me, and every day I became more- not in love- but infatuated with him. He’s all I ever think about.

A year later, I was raped. Traumatic experience, and I’ve never been the same. I became closed off from everyone. My parents never knew what happened. Hell, they didn’t even know my favorite color.

My view on everything changed. Love was now a hideous thing, something that terrified me. Everything seemed the same, but somehow it was so different. Except for him – somehow I found myself still thinking of him. I tried to stop my thoughts, but I couldn’t. I became jealous of his girlfriend. Not just because she was his, but also because she was actually living. Me? I was simply there – simply existing – alive, but barely breathing.I was drowning, while watching everyone else survive.

But she – she had it all. She had friends, she had family. Ones who actually cared for her, told her they loved her.

My parents died later that year in a car accident, and I started to fend for myself since I had no other family. No one knew I lived by myself. I was in complete sorrow.
It came to a point where I thought I deserved this. I thought the world would be better off without me.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I had gone to the park to clear my mind, sat on the swing, and saw him. He was there, with his friends, playing soccer.

“I, I’ll get by,
I, I’ll survive.”

I didn’t even notice I was singing, but I saw him look at me, and he smiled, as if telling me everything would be ok. That’s when I decided I would do this. For myself.I would start living.

“When the world’s crashing down,
When I fall and hit the ground,
I will turn myself around,
Don’t you try to stop me.”

In 10th grade, I started singing in talent shows and became ‘popular’. It was her- his girlfriend-Lizzy- and me. Every boy either wanted her, or me. But I didn’t care, I only craved for him. For Harry.

It’s my last year of high school now, and I still haven’t gotten his attention, but I think this’ll be the year I finally just might.

He intrigued me. I was curious about him.

This is me – Rion Luev’en Jordan, and this is my life.

But at these circumstances, I guess you can call me, Alice.

That little girl, who wanted to know everything about the world, but regretted it right after.


Yup, that’s me – Alice.

Notes

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-Rikki XO