Behind Her Smile [Louis]

“I let you two alone” Zayn whispered and his eyes were filled with pity and sadness. “Who is El?” My voice was barely a whisper, when his eyes met mine a shiver of coldness travelled down my spine. “Eleanor Calder.” His forehead frowned in pain when he looked at my trembling lips. “What do you have to tell me about her?” My voice broke in disbelief when thinking of Louis cheating, not on me but with me. I saw his eyes wander off and it looked like he was figuring something out. He was making excuses. “Never mind” I had literally no strength to cry in front of him anymore, I suddenly was so exhausted and it looked like my heart was ripped in a million pieces. “No, Jess. I can explain!” the lump in my throat increased and for once I wished I could actually cry. But my cheeks remained dry. Without looking at him I left him there alone. “Niall.” My voice broke even though there were no tears. Niall looked up immediately, alarmed and ready for me to burst into tears. “Can you please, please, please ask the chauffeur to bring me to the airport. I beg you” I could barely stand on my feet when I stumbled in Niall’s arms. “Zayn” Niall motioned to Zayn and Zayn disappeared, probably talking to the chauffeur . “Why didn’t you tell me?” the words came out like a squeak, but he didn’t answer. My cheek was pressed against his warm chest and I was just waiting for the tears to come. I felt numb, and I didn’t know what to do. So I didn’t do anything and just stayed in Niall’s embrace. I felt heartbroken and sad and there was this huge pain pressing against my heart. But further there was nothing, I felt nothing and it was like I was living in a timeless place. The air was suffocating and everything around me was so strong and I kept falling apart, like there was nothing to stop me. I kept falling and falling. “It’s not what it looks like” Niall’s words were harsh after the hour of silence. “Please, don’t” I begged him. “Okay” he pressed his lips against my hair and said nothing anymore. *** “We love you, call me” Zayn hugged me and let me go. I walked in the direction of the airport and looked one more time in the direction of the big red bus. What I saw confused me even more, I saw Louis sitting on the bench his knees underneath his chin and he looked up for one second to see me. His eyes were bloodshot red and on the contrary of me his cheeks were like a river of tears. Why would he cry if he was the one to cause pain? Why would a murderer cry after he murdered someone? When the bus drove away started my eyes to water and it didn’t stop they kept coming and it looked so familiar, though so incredibly different. I have never felt so much pain and it was unbearable. The air was still suffocating even though I was surrounded by fresh air, enough oxygen and still I felt like I could pass out any minute. “I’m sorry miss but the flight is fully booked” “Please” I begged “I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do” the man behind the bar looked genuinely sorry. “When’s the next flight?” I don’t even care enough to wipe away my tears. “7 hours” he sighed after typing something in his computer. “Okay” I paid for the tickets with the last money I had and sat down on a bench. And burst out in tears again. I was so stupid to search through internet who Eleanor Calder was. She was so stunning. Hollister model Girlfriend of member of One Direction, Louis Tomlinson Student of Manchester University She was everything a girl wants to be. Why would Louis be so cruel to let me think he cared about me? How stupid could I be? *** It has been two months now, I still woke up breathlessly and I was literally drowning in my own tears. But I was moving on, I was working again and Oliver didn’t fire me even though I really looked like a zombie. I was empty. I truly was empty and still I managed to cry every time I was alone. It was pathetic. Louis didn’t leave me alone , what made it even harder to forget him. Him being on the television and newspaper didn’t help either. Also the others tried to call me but I was so scared Louis would answer instead. Because I was terrified for myself if I’d hear his voice again I would beg him to take me back. But I was nothing for him, just one of the countless girls in his life. Rick knocked softly on my door. I wiped away my tears with my sleeve before he could come in. “You’ve got mail” He threw 3 letters on my bed. Two from Louis I’d recognize his handwriting everywhere. I ripped them in two and tossed them in my bin. The other I considered to open. I hesitated for a few seconds but eventually I opened it. I held my breath before starting to read.

Jess, This world is so fucked up and people know it. Though no one is doing something about it and that makes it even worse. There are only a few people who can see the little point of light, and it's so endlessly frustrating. You see, our world is one black hole with only one little spot of light. And people focus on the light because it's easier, it comforts and it gives the opportunity to let them be blinded by the horrible things in life people fear to face . They focus on the light, even though the light is so incredibly small. You, Jess, are given to the darkness. I know it looks like everything in your life is in the hands of Satan and you're probably wondering why you've been the one to get all this shit and I’m sorry but I have no answer for that. Partly because I can't even imagine where you've been through and partly because I haven't figured out a fuck about this world either and I am afraid for it myself. But you are a survivor and you're so above every soul in this world. The darkness surrounds you and it's suffocating because you're not supposed to be living in the dark. But please, don't give up searching for your personal light spot. I have seen you smile and you can't even imagine what your smile does to other people. It's incredibly special and difficult to smile with pure pain behind it. But it's so beautiful, it almost hurts. It's heartbreaking and it can literally cure depression because it gives people hope again. It's so endlessly fascinating and it's a shame not everyone realizes what's behind that wonderful smile. On the other hand it doesn't actually matter because all they see is happiness. You are their light spot and it's endless. You're unstoppable and people are addicted to it. You're literally like a drug (I know. It sounds pretty cheesy, huh?) people don't know they need it until they've 'used' it. We don't only miss you, Jess. We need you and I know it's selfish of all of us, but it's true. I know you've got difficulties trusting people because of whatever shit people brought you through. But please, please, please don't blame yourself, because you were trapped, babe it's not your fault at all. You escaped from the sky and the devil trapped you and ruined every possibility of your happiness. Please spread your wings and let it all go. Let your past go, I can't even try to explain how difficult it will be and I have absolutely no right to tell you what difficult is because no single body compares to you. I can promise you one thing though, you will love again if you let yourself. And you will experience it as something good not only endless queues of regret and pain that not even the deepest in your soul can handle. I've seen you look at him and it breaks my heart to realize it's him. Please don't cry over him he's not worth your tears. But if it makes anything better, he's utterly and endlessly in love with you. He can explain about everything that’s going on, but he’s not suppose to. It’s very difficult to explain but if you give him a chance he will explain to you because he simply can’t live without you. Please give it a chance, hear him out I think he's your light spot and he will be the only one who will be able to heal you. And I can't even express how much I hate him for it. He's not worth your soul because he truly is an idiot. But he is an idiot who loves you with all he's got. Give it a chance, you've got nothing to lose and nothing looks like it really is. I want to explain but you have to hear it from himself. Please think about it, Zayn

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