January 2014

Bella POV

I look out the window of the bus. I'm riding home. It's Friday, finally. I can go home, and watch movies, or something to keep my mind off of things. It's been a terrible year for me. I have bad grades. I'm trying, but I'm just so depressed that I can't do anything. My parents are so mad at me all the time because of my grades. My phone was taken away because of my grades, so I can't even text my friends. I only sometimes talk to Natalie on Skype. I don't have any real friends here. People have spread rumors that I've been talking behind peoples' backs. No one wants to be friends with me anymore. I missed so much school in the beginning of the year, that my mother won't let me stay home at all. Even if I really am sick. I'm longing for Summer every second of the day. I miss Harry. I miss Natalie and Cat. I haven't seen any of them since August 23rd. I feel the bus come to a stop, and I stand. I walk down the aisle, and go down the stairs. I cross the street, and walk up my driveway. I go into the house, and up to my room. I take a nap.
I wake up. I flutter my eyes open.
"Bella!" my mother is talking.
"Where am I?" I look around. I am in a hospital.
"I didn't know something was wrong," she says.
"What are you talking about?" I'm worried. What happened? Why am I here?
"Bella," she says, taking my hand, "You tried to kill yourself."
Tears fill my eyes. I choke up on my words, "I- I did?"
My mom starts to cry. The tears roll down my cheeks, and I'm afraid. I wish Harry was here. I close my eyes again. I wish Harry was here. Why didn't he come? And that's when I realized it. I always loved Harry, but as a best friend. Now that I think of it, I don't even have feelings for Brandon anymore. I'm in love with Harry, I think.
I open my eyes again. I'm in my bed. It was all a dream. I look at my clock. Five o'clock. I go downstairs and start a movie. Just Go With It. I remember watching that in the summer, but I can't remember when... When the movie is over, I start another. What To Expect When You're Expecting. By the time the movie is over, it's 8:30. I decide to turn on the TV. I watch a few re-runs of Modern Family. When I turn the TV off, it's 10:30. I get up. I get some seltzer from the fridge, and pour it into a glass. I go upstairs, and change into my pajamas. I go to sleep. I wake up, and its dark out. I look at the clock.
1 o'clock. The usual time.
I wake up around 1AM every night. I don't know why, it has just become a habit now. I get up, and go into the bathroom. I sit on the floor of my shower. I close my eyes. I reach my arm out, and feel around, until I find what I am looking for. I wrap my hands around the little handle. I roll up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I keep my eyes closed. I can't stand to see the blood. I hold my arm out, and take the razor to my skin. Repeatedly, for I don't know how long. I keep doing it, until I can't take the pain anymore. I stand, and go to the sink. I wash my arm. I fill a cup of water, then clean out the bloody shower floor. I put the cup down, and walk back into my room. I turn the night light on. I look in the long, tall mirror of my room. I pull up my sweatshirt, that goes around my thighs. I look at the bulge of fat around my legs. I lift the sweatshirt even more, revealing my stomach. I see the fat beneath my ribs, to my handles. I look at my large ribs. My large handles. My fat body. I drop my sweatshirt. I walk back to my bed, and lie there. For possibly hours, until I fall asleep.
The same thing is repeated almost every night. Every night.

March 8

Saturday, March 8th, 2014.
I've made a decision.
I have it planned.
I know how it's going to happen.
And I wrote a letter too.
I addressed it to the people I love the most.
Harry. Natalie. Cat. Brooke. Lucy.
Brandon, Clayton and Cameron are included in parts of it too.
It is only 11PM. I go into my bathroom. I find the bottle I took from my father's room today,
I open it. I take out a bunch of pills. I walk into my room. I sit on my bed. I take out my computer, and look at photos from the summer. I look at how happy I was. How thin I was. I keep looking at all the photos. I find a screenshot. From Harry's ask.
Answer honestly- who would you hu with in long island?
Answer- Bella, maybe Brooke?
He must've been joking. I wish he wasn't. I wish he loved me now, when I needed him. I need somebody. I wish he'd kiss the scars, and heal me. But that's something I can only wish.
That's just in the movies. And he doesn't even know. He wouldn't understand.
I hold the pills in my hand. My wrists are bleeding. I couldn't get it to stop. That happens sometimes.
I look at the pills. I hold them to my mouth. I'm not crying. I should be. I wish I could, but I just can't. As I am about to open my mouth and swallow, I hear something. A ring. I look at my computer. A Skype message. From Natalie.
Miss you soo much
I can't do it. I put the pills away. I clean my wrists for half an hour before they stop. I rip and crumple the letter. I go to sleep. I can't talk to Natalie now. I have to wait. It's not the right time yet. I want to see Natalie one last time before I do it. After I see her, I'll do it. But when will I see her again? And what about Harry? And Cat, and everyone? Maybe it doesn't matter. They won't miss me. I wouldn't.

Notes

omg this is so sad.
fyi this chapter isn't based on true events. I made this one from scratch!
Subscribe and comment! ilysm<3