"Lost Boy"

"Easy.. I let them take me"

I wasn't prepared for those words and neither was I prepared for the long explanation of why exactly he'd agreed to getting kidnapped.

He just couldn't take it. Once again I had to get familiar with the fact that Niall was a quitter. He gave up but this time it actually made sense. The flashes of the camera, screaming girls everywhere, which doesn't necessarily help on your claustrophobia and never-ending rumours being too much. Far too much, simply enough for him to just want to run away. To stop it. End it. Flee.

I got it. I had to admit that it seemed pretty tough but what about the perks? What about the fame, the money and the fact that so many girls were desperate to get it in his pants? Didn't it mean anything? Oh and there was the pressure, the self-destructing thought of actually getting told every day that you didn't belong with your friends. That you weren't good enough or handsome enough to live out your dream. Your passion.

I still didn't understand why this was better than all that. If he had chosen more wisely he could've been free right now. He could've been breathing in fresh air, bathing in the golden rays of sun, hear the sweet sound of birds twittering and be crowded ny nice people. By family and friends. But no... Apparently he preferred being locked in a cold room, three maniacs torturing him whenever they needed a good laugh and not even trying to escape.

Weeks. It had been weeks since this nightmare started. Minutes had turned into hours, hours becoming days, dragging us further and further down into our misery. I had no idea how I'd survived for so long. I'd seen and experienced the most horrible things, doubting that I'd be the same as before. I'd heard the most painful noises, felt the worst pains... but I was still here. But worst of all were the things I had done..

I could still feel it. The feeling that would never go away: Guilt. I could stil see it. The picture that was burned into my subconsciousness forever: The gun in my hand, all warm and empty now the trigger had been pulled, the bullet hitting it's goal with frightening precision. My heart beating rapidly and my mind spinning with unfinished thoughts. The tears in my eyes as I quickly closed them not wanting to see the result of the just one quick movement, that resulted in a heart wrenching scream.

The blood, trickling down the limb lems before staining the floor, forever marking the place for my crime. My inhumanity.

I was a killer. A monster. A demon... A mistake.

Niall would hold me in his arms afterwards, letting me soak his clothes with my salty tears, voice soft and quiet in my ear as he sung me to sleep, not moving an inch once my eyes had fluttered close, shaky breath becoming even and peaceful. He let me sleep, fingers threading through my hair as he let me regain my powers, my strength for another harsh day. For another day with this routine. Kill, steal, run.

I wanted it to stop. I begged and cried for mercy, somehow hoping for them to soften and realize how wrong it was... but they didn't. They kept forcing me to steal, not only bags of money but also innocent, pure lives. They had made me a cruel killing machine, not accepting any weaknesses and reminding me of the evil ultimatum they'd given: "It's either them, or you".

I was selfish, egocentric, narcissistic, stupid, evil... just horrible for choosing myself over the lives I've ended. I was a failure anyway. I couldn't do anything right so what exactly did I have to live for? Nothing but.. the ocean blue eyes. My light. My protecter. My guardian angel...

As the days went by and more of my strength faded away, leaving deep cracks in my facade, the more I grew closer to Niall. He was no longer my enemy.. He was my friend. He was there to hold me when I had these horrible nightmares. He was there to wipe away my tears. To send me off to a peaceful sleep with a gentle peck on my cheek. I wanted to hate him though. He could've prevented this. He could've saved himself. But he didn't. He walked straight into their grasp. And I wanted to hate him so much. But I couldn't. He was all I had in this dark place and I didn't want to lose him...

"JJ?" He whispered, the nickname he'd made up for me, causing shivers to run down my spine, giving me a reason to cuddle up closer to him, looking into his blue eyes with curiosity.

"Yes?"

He played with my hair, biting his lip and quietly re-evaluating his words. It was obvious by the way he got those thoughtful crinkles on his forehead. He was thinking, considering, processing. I reached out to brush my fingertips across his cheeks, instantly getting his attention.

"What is it, Ni?" Yeah.. I'd given him a nickname as well. Cause that's what friends do, right? I didn't want to be bitter and full of hatred when there was this risk of not surviving. And I.. I couldn't stay mad at him for long. Yes.. I was pretty weak actually and he was irresistible.

"How are you? Are you cold? Do I need to wrap you in the blanket?"

I couldn't help but smile at his kindness. He was so caring. So protective. Like an older brother. Something an only child as me had,never experienced before but it didn't necessarily feel as brotherly love. I at least didn't hope for Niall to think and the look in his eyes that I wasn't really able to define told me another story as well...

I grinned, shaking my head at his pretty lame distraction. I knew that wasn't the words he'd planned to say and I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that, when the door flew open, the sudden presence of our kidnappers not really surprising us. Well, it didn't until we realized that only one of them was standing there.

"Well hello dear hostages!" He said in a sickly sweet voice, dripping with sarcasm, his lips curving upwards in a horrible smile. I growled lowly, leaning up against Niall for comfort.

"What do you want from us now?" I mumbled, loud enough for him to hear me and pull me out of Niall's grasp to slap me across the face.

"Don't you talk to me in that tone, you little slut!" He growled, once again proving his role as the violent, stupid one. The other two were violent as well but they were the planners. Everything they did fit perfectly into their plans while he just either followed orders or did things by impulse. I guess he felt free to hurt me now the other two weren't here.

"No! Stop!" Niall yelled, quickly getting up on his feet, staring him down. I turned my head to give him a pleading look. No.. He had to stop. I didn't want for him to hurt him as well..

He got the message and sat down again, fists still clenched and eyes flashing with anger. He hated this. He hated it when I got beaten up like this, tears of agony streaming down my cheeks but still determined to protect him. To keep him away from hurt. He thought it was stupid. That it didn't make sense as they really couldn't hurt him that much now he was the valuable one but I still had to do it. I couldn't tell him why though. I didn't want to tell him why..

A harsh rain of punches fell upon me and I just stood there, taking all of them as a few whimpers of pain escaped my lips, begging quietly for an end.

His clenched fists left my body and he grinned as if someone had told a joke. This amused him. Causing me pain brought him joy. Admiring his work gave him satisfaction. And what about me? Oh right.. None of this were about me. None of this was about my feelings or how I longed for the death's cold grip. For the peaceful never-ending sleep..

He pushed me away from him, causing me to fall down on the wooden floor with a loud thud. Niall instantly brought me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me.

"I'm sorry" He whispered and I just buried my face in his chest, shaking my head and telling him to stop. I didn't hesitate to cuddle up closer to him, sniffling into his shirt. It hurt. It hurt everywhere. The pain was spreading. It was consuming me.. killing me.

"Well if you're done acting all lovey-dovey I have a task for you.."

I started shaking, Niall's hands instantly moving up to caress my back in an attempt to make me relax. No. No,no,no,no,no.. No. He wanted for me to go kill again. I couldn't.. I just couldn't. The blood, the pain, their eyes. One click.. and it would all be gone.

He dumped a bag in front of me and I slowly turned my head drawing a relieved sigh. No gun for me..

"Count them! I need to know exactly how many money there is in the box for when Trevor and Kennett get back" With that he stomped out of the room again, slamming the door behind him.

I looked up at Niall with a shy smile, slowly pulling away from him to open the bag. Wait.. This wasn't money. It was letters, pictures and plans. They'd given us the wrong bag!

I gasped, picking out a letter from the messy pile.

"Ni, look!" I handed him the letter, watching as his eyes grew big in pure disbelief.

"It's.. It's from the boys!" He ripped it open, eyes skimming through the many different words, furrowing his eyebrows or smiling once in a while. Well.. That was before his eyes brimmed with tears and he angrily threw the letter aside, crying into his hands.

"How could they do this to me?"

I gulped, reaching out to grab his larger hands in mine, moving them away from his face and caressing his cheeks.

"Tell me.." I whispered, wiping his tears away. He cleared his throat, taking a deep breath before finally speaking up.

"They don't want me back in the band.. T-They're throwing me out! After a-all the shit I've done for them! After all m-my hard work!" His voice cracked and I brought him in for a tight hug, hating how sad this had made him. I hated when people cried. It made me want to go and hug them. Made me want to tell them that everything was fine. It simply poked my sympathy, making it at least 10 times as strong. I hated it.. and with Niall I just couldn't take it. He was my angel. Angels don't cry. Angels don't deserve to cry. How could they do this to him?

"Ni.. please?" I begged, wanting for him to look at me. To make it better. He sniffled, finally looking at me, his eyes glazed over with sorrow.

"I-I just don't get it" He looked down again, causing me to sigh, running my fingers through his hair, knowing that he found it soothing.

"Ni, don't worry.. You're an amazing singer after what I've heard you sing for me and.. your friends won't allow this. Everything will be okay" I smiled, trailing my fingertips down his face. He smiled as well, cheeks turning red from my touch and eyes holding my gaze as he leaned in closer. His breath ghosted over my lips, goosebumps covering my skin. We both wanted this. The unfamiliar taste, the simple but affectionate gesture, the softness of a new set of lips.. but we couldn't. Or I couldn't..

I pulled away, feeling slightly guilty for leaving him hanging but distracted myself as I rummaged through the bag, random pictures of other targets they've failed to get popping up along with letters from unknown adresses. Reaching out for a new envelope I felt like screaming of surprise as I saw the name and address.

Matt Thompson

Rosegreen avenue 4402..

I hesitated before opening the envelope, keeping it out of Niall's reach and sight not sure of how he'd take the news. I hadn't really told him about Matt. I didn't want to tell him. What was there to tell anyway? He was my 'boyfriend' who I didn't really feel anything for.. but why didn't I want him to know about it anyway?

Notes