Target

Gwenn arranged everything, with the help of Alysha’s aunt Leigh-Ann. I live in a numb right now. In the meanwhile, the news got out. I get a lot of support from the fans, which is great, but honestly, I want to be alone. My parents and my sisters are coming over and I appreciate that they’re there for me, but I just want to be alone. The worst part was waking up this morning, alone, knowing that I would never wake up with her in my arms again. That I will never hear her voice again, look into her beautiful brown eyes, feel her touch again. It is killing me. I should’ve killed her first chance I had, that night in her apartment. Then I never would’ve fallen in love with her. ‘I love you, remember that.’ I don’t deserve that. I get up to get dressed. Today is the funeral. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. It was my fault that she was there. More than anybody else knew.

Louis picks me up to go the funeral. I am not allowed to drive yet and besides, I don’t even want to. “Hey, you’re ready?” Louis asks. I shake my head. Louis grabs my shoulder. “I’m here for you mate. We all are.” “I know. I just… keep thinking it is my fault.” “Don’t do that. She doesn’t want that.” “How do you know, you’d barely met her…” My voice breaks. “The way you talked about her. And it’s good to mourn, it proves you’re human, but you can’t blame yourself for something you had no hand in.” Ouch.

I spot Gwenn and Leigh-Ann with a girl I don’t know. The girl is furious. “Why did you tell him. All the effort for nothing…” “Ilsa,” Gwenn says. “What?” “Not the time and place,” Gwenn replies. “Whatever. It was a stupid move aunt,” the girl, Ilsa, says to Leigh-Ann. She turns around and bumps into me. “Watch it,” she snaps before she walks past me to a guy I’ve never seen before, and frankly, I don’t care who he is. For a moment, I think I hear Alysha speaking. “Don’t mind Ilsa, she’s… upset,” Leigh-Ann says. “What was that about?” I ask curious. “Nothing important,” Gwenn says. “Anyway…” She hugs me. “How are you?” She asks. I shrug. I honestly don’t know and I get tired of people asking it all the time. I am at the funeral of my girlfriend for crying out loud, how do you think I am? “You?” “Don’t know. I’ve been kind of busy the past few days. It hasn’t really hit me yet.”

We take our seats. I sit front row, next to Gwenn. On my other side my mom. I am so grateful she and my father and sisters are here to support me. A song starts playing. I don’t recognize it, and it is a language I don’t know. Still, it leaves an impression, mostly because of the desperate tone in the voice of the lead singer. After it is over, Gwenn gets up. She walks up to the stand. She swallows a few times before she starts talking. “Dear Alysha. I will keep it short, because I know you always hated to be in the spotlight. For as long as I can remember, I’ve known you. When we were little, you were the girl next door. We went to the same school. But we never talked, until we went to high school. On the first day, you and I, we became friends for no reason. We are complete opposites. But you challenged me, you changed me, in a way I never imagined. Again and again. I cannot express how grateful I am that you were my friend…” She hesitates before she continues. “Last week, our house was quiet. Extremely quiet. Only now I realize how noisy you could be…” I hear somebody get up and turn around to see Ilsa run out. I frown. What is wrong with her? I try to focus on Gwenn again, but it’s difficult. I keep seeing Ilsa running out. She moved in the exact same manner Alysha had done. Well, they were obviously family. I don’t know why, but it bothers me. “… So, thank you for being my friend and for always being there for me. Bye Sunshine.” She can’t help but to laugh saying the last two words. Gwenn and Alysha had always called each other sunshine and I never understood why. I stare at the picture of her on the coffin. Why? The question that kept lingering through my mind since the day I got her file and had haunted me last week. She was twenty-one for crying out loud. What had she done? Another song. I don’t listen, I’m far away with my mind until Gwenn slips me a note. “What’s this?” I whisper. She doesn’t respond.

You will always be my beautiful distraction
One part sweetness two parts passion
Every day you make me feel brand new
You asked for my heart not perfection
The first one to lead me in the right direction
This crazy world won’t change the same old me
Who loves the same old you

It is in the familiar handwriting of Alysha and while I read it, I realize they are the lyrics of the song. I don’t longer hold my tears back. Gwenn gives me a small smile and my mom hugs me tightly. After the song is over, we get up one by one to pass her coffin and leave the room. I wait until everybody is gone. I stand there for a few minutes, unable to say something. I don’t have anything to say anymore, but I don’t want to leave her. “Sir?” a voice says. I look up and understand he wants me to leave. “Goodbye.”

Notes

Xxx