Forgotten
Chapter Six
Louis P.O.V
I can't take this. I hate the fact that this is all my fault. Knowing that if I was there for him then he would be able to be by my side. If I wasn't such a bitch to him. I ruin everything. If he wakes up I know he'll hate me for sure and I'll have no one to blame but myself. This whole thing is tearing me apart and there is no one to blame but myself.
"Louis ummm Anne called. She said we can visit Harry and he's not awake but the doctors said there's still a big chance he'll make it. Would you like to come?"
Go and visit Harry? I don't know how to feel about this. Should I go? I feel guilty but to not go and see him would make me feel even worse. But how am I supposed to look at him and say sorry to his sweet face? To know I'm the main reason for this and that I would have to explain myself for all that I've done. My sweet, fragile Harry. No, I have to do this, for myself and him.
I pick out some clothes and underwear and unlock the door. The boys all look at me and their eyes follow me until I enter the bathroom.
Zayns P.O.V
To our surprise Louis seems willing to go with us. It's sad seeing him so torn up and who knows how badly he feels about himself. What really makes me feel sad seeing him like this is that e blames himself. I wish he would understand that it's not. This whole thing hurts us all but it's affecting Louis the worse. You look at him and you just want to see his smile again. You want to see him radiating with joy but this changed Louis and I hope he'll return to his normal self when Harry comes home. That's what we all want. For Harry to be back.
"Alright then. Don't worry guys maybe when we get there he will already be awake. Sorry that i'm crying like a baby here. It's just that there's sometimes some doubt that maybe he wouldn't make it but he will. I know he will." I nod at what Liam says. Yeah, there is some doubt but it's a very small chance that he won't make it. All we can do is hope for the best and hopefully it will come.
***
Louis has been in the bathroom longer than usual and I'm starting to worry.
"He's been in there too long.I have to do something before he does." I quickly say running to the bathroom. I put my ear on the door and for two seconds all I hear is water and then I think crying? Louis.
"Louis! Open the door! Louis! Please don't do anything. If you dont open this door I will knock it down!" I bang on the door and wait for him to answer.
"Louis! Open the door! Please!"
There was no more sound of running water or crying. The door unlocks and there is Louis standing in his boxers looking down to the floor.
"Louis are you okay mate? Louis look at me." I touch his face and he flinches. I look him in the eyes and they're red. He has been crying.
"Louis, are you alright?" I ask one more time. He smiles at me and nods. Liar. He's lying to me and it's so easy to tell. He reaches for his pants and then I see them; on his wrist as red as his eyes had been. It hurt seeing him do this to himself. Seeing him hurt himself but willingly. I grab his hand and hug him so tight.
"Louis. Please don't. You've done nothing to deserve this pain. But for you to give the pain to your self hurts me too. You'll get through this. I promise everything will get better. We love you Lou."
He cried even more and he was so weak and fragile at this point. I didn't want to let him go until he felt better but we have to go. I whisper to him to get dressed and I'll see him in a little while.
When I got back to Niall and Liam they look at me with worry. I tell them what happened and Niall looked like he was going to explode with tears. They both care so much and now I see what amazing friends they are.
Louis come in all dressed and ready to go. He still looks sad but i'm waiting for that to change soon.
Louis P.O.V
The look on Zayns face as he saw what I did to myself made me realize that he obviously cares so much. I felt like I deserved all the pain I get. Maybe that will teach me to not mess up big time. I'm going to see Harry in just a few minutes and I don't feel ready. I'm not ready to see those beautiful green eyes stare at me with so much hate. But i'm going anyway. I just want to see that my sunshine is okay. I want him to forget all the bad things that happened. I want it all to go away.
We get into the car and I feel extremely nervous. What if he doesn't want to speak to me ever again? What if he doesn't love me any more? What if he never wants to see me again? What if, what if, what if. This is too much to handle right now.
"You feeling alright there Louis?" Niall asks with worry. I only shake my head. He hugs me and says, " Everything is going to be okay. I promise. When you get in there maybe he'll give you a smile and he won't want to leave your side. You'll be fine."
I really hope it will be okay. We find a pretty good parking space and we hurry inside for visiting hours. Then we get to the front desk. I wonder if my mum is working somewhere nearby.
"Can I help you gentlemen?"
It's me who speaks up first, "We're here to see Harry Styles." The boys look at me surprised that I talked once again.
"Oh yes. Room 146 down that hallway." I thank her and practically jog my way to his room.
His parents are there sitting down talking with Gemma until they see us. Gemma walks up to me first and hugs me tightly and gives me a kiss on the cheek. Niall comes up and basically begs her for one too. I think someone has a crush. On the other hand his step father, Robin, just stares me down. Anne comes and hugs us too and hands me a note. I read it and it's his note. The note; his suicide note he wrote because he believed he would succeed. Tears fall down to the paper. Oh Harry, I'm sorry I fucked up.
"I didn't read it because it was for you and I have no idea what it is or says." Anne doesn't know it was his suicide note.
"It was a note. His suicide note he left for me" I try to talk clearly.
"He left you a note but not us? Is it because you're his best friend?"
"Boyfriend." Robin speaks up. The way he said boyfriend make me feel even worse. He said it like it was a disgusting word. I remember now, Anne had no clue but Robin knew. He hates the idea of me and Harry together but looking at Anne, it seems like she doesn't have a problem with it.
"He never told me he was gay or had a boyfriend. Robin you knew? Gemma did you know as well?" Gemma nods. She knew? I had no idea. Harry must have told her, he tells her alot of things.
"Can you read the note? I mean if you want." She asks curiously.
I think about this. Should I? Would it be bad to read it? Well maybe it won't do any harm for them just to hear it. I open up the note again and prepare myself in case I cry again.
Louis,
You said do what you want. I will and I will finally be happy. Do you still care? Because I care about you. I still love you no matter what and maybe this goodbye will soon be old news and I will be forgotten and maybe that's what I want. Are you proud of me now Louis for doing what makes me happy? I'm sorry.
Love, Harry.
Robin looks at me with a cold stare and says, "You're the one to blame. This is all your fault. It's because of you that Harry could have been gone. How does that make you feel knowing that you could have killed him. Some 'love' that is. I don't hate Harry. I hate you for this. You're to blame."
Everything went silent and I couldn't take it. I broke down again. That's what I've been saying to myself but hearing it from someone else finally convinced me. It was all my fault. He starts to say some more things until I cut him off.
"Shut up! I know this is my fault! I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm a fucked up person but this wasn't what I wanted ever! I fucking hate myself! Knowing he almost died because of me makes me want to take his place but instead of living, I want to die. This is all my fault. I'm fucking sorry I came into his life. I ruin everything and someone just kill me already!" I sat on the floor and cried out everything I could. I didn't care if everyone was staring at me. I deserve the embarrassment.
I look up to see everyone crying except Robin. He probably felt proud of himself. I don't care all I know is that all the guilt makes me want out of this life.
"What's going on?" My head shoots up instantly again. That voice.
"Harry!? Get the nurses!" Anne says with joy.
He's awake.
I can't take this. I hate the fact that this is all my fault. Knowing that if I was there for him then he would be able to be by my side. If I wasn't such a bitch to him. I ruin everything. If he wakes up I know he'll hate me for sure and I'll have no one to blame but myself. This whole thing is tearing me apart and there is no one to blame but myself.
"Louis ummm Anne called. She said we can visit Harry and he's not awake but the doctors said there's still a big chance he'll make it. Would you like to come?"
Go and visit Harry? I don't know how to feel about this. Should I go? I feel guilty but to not go and see him would make me feel even worse. But how am I supposed to look at him and say sorry to his sweet face? To know I'm the main reason for this and that I would have to explain myself for all that I've done. My sweet, fragile Harry. No, I have to do this, for myself and him.
I pick out some clothes and underwear and unlock the door. The boys all look at me and their eyes follow me until I enter the bathroom.
Zayns P.O.V
To our surprise Louis seems willing to go with us. It's sad seeing him so torn up and who knows how badly he feels about himself. What really makes me feel sad seeing him like this is that e blames himself. I wish he would understand that it's not. This whole thing hurts us all but it's affecting Louis the worse. You look at him and you just want to see his smile again. You want to see him radiating with joy but this changed Louis and I hope he'll return to his normal self when Harry comes home. That's what we all want. For Harry to be back.
"Alright then. Don't worry guys maybe when we get there he will already be awake. Sorry that i'm crying like a baby here. It's just that there's sometimes some doubt that maybe he wouldn't make it but he will. I know he will." I nod at what Liam says. Yeah, there is some doubt but it's a very small chance that he won't make it. All we can do is hope for the best and hopefully it will come.
***
Louis has been in the bathroom longer than usual and I'm starting to worry.
"He's been in there too long.I have to do something before he does." I quickly say running to the bathroom. I put my ear on the door and for two seconds all I hear is water and then I think crying? Louis.
"Louis! Open the door! Louis! Please don't do anything. If you dont open this door I will knock it down!" I bang on the door and wait for him to answer.
"Louis! Open the door! Please!"
There was no more sound of running water or crying. The door unlocks and there is Louis standing in his boxers looking down to the floor.
"Louis are you okay mate? Louis look at me." I touch his face and he flinches. I look him in the eyes and they're red. He has been crying.
"Louis, are you alright?" I ask one more time. He smiles at me and nods. Liar. He's lying to me and it's so easy to tell. He reaches for his pants and then I see them; on his wrist as red as his eyes had been. It hurt seeing him do this to himself. Seeing him hurt himself but willingly. I grab his hand and hug him so tight.
"Louis. Please don't. You've done nothing to deserve this pain. But for you to give the pain to your self hurts me too. You'll get through this. I promise everything will get better. We love you Lou."
He cried even more and he was so weak and fragile at this point. I didn't want to let him go until he felt better but we have to go. I whisper to him to get dressed and I'll see him in a little while.
When I got back to Niall and Liam they look at me with worry. I tell them what happened and Niall looked like he was going to explode with tears. They both care so much and now I see what amazing friends they are.
Louis come in all dressed and ready to go. He still looks sad but i'm waiting for that to change soon.
Louis P.O.V
The look on Zayns face as he saw what I did to myself made me realize that he obviously cares so much. I felt like I deserved all the pain I get. Maybe that will teach me to not mess up big time. I'm going to see Harry in just a few minutes and I don't feel ready. I'm not ready to see those beautiful green eyes stare at me with so much hate. But i'm going anyway. I just want to see that my sunshine is okay. I want him to forget all the bad things that happened. I want it all to go away.
We get into the car and I feel extremely nervous. What if he doesn't want to speak to me ever again? What if he doesn't love me any more? What if he never wants to see me again? What if, what if, what if. This is too much to handle right now.
"You feeling alright there Louis?" Niall asks with worry. I only shake my head. He hugs me and says, " Everything is going to be okay. I promise. When you get in there maybe he'll give you a smile and he won't want to leave your side. You'll be fine."
I really hope it will be okay. We find a pretty good parking space and we hurry inside for visiting hours. Then we get to the front desk. I wonder if my mum is working somewhere nearby.
"Can I help you gentlemen?"
It's me who speaks up first, "We're here to see Harry Styles." The boys look at me surprised that I talked once again.
"Oh yes. Room 146 down that hallway." I thank her and practically jog my way to his room.
His parents are there sitting down talking with Gemma until they see us. Gemma walks up to me first and hugs me tightly and gives me a kiss on the cheek. Niall comes up and basically begs her for one too. I think someone has a crush. On the other hand his step father, Robin, just stares me down. Anne comes and hugs us too and hands me a note. I read it and it's his note. The note; his suicide note he wrote because he believed he would succeed. Tears fall down to the paper. Oh Harry, I'm sorry I fucked up.
"I didn't read it because it was for you and I have no idea what it is or says." Anne doesn't know it was his suicide note.
"It was a note. His suicide note he left for me" I try to talk clearly.
"He left you a note but not us? Is it because you're his best friend?"
"Boyfriend." Robin speaks up. The way he said boyfriend make me feel even worse. He said it like it was a disgusting word. I remember now, Anne had no clue but Robin knew. He hates the idea of me and Harry together but looking at Anne, it seems like she doesn't have a problem with it.
"He never told me he was gay or had a boyfriend. Robin you knew? Gemma did you know as well?" Gemma nods. She knew? I had no idea. Harry must have told her, he tells her alot of things.
"Can you read the note? I mean if you want." She asks curiously.
I think about this. Should I? Would it be bad to read it? Well maybe it won't do any harm for them just to hear it. I open up the note again and prepare myself in case I cry again.
Louis,
You said do what you want. I will and I will finally be happy. Do you still care? Because I care about you. I still love you no matter what and maybe this goodbye will soon be old news and I will be forgotten and maybe that's what I want. Are you proud of me now Louis for doing what makes me happy? I'm sorry.
Love, Harry.
Robin looks at me with a cold stare and says, "You're the one to blame. This is all your fault. It's because of you that Harry could have been gone. How does that make you feel knowing that you could have killed him. Some 'love' that is. I don't hate Harry. I hate you for this. You're to blame."
Everything went silent and I couldn't take it. I broke down again. That's what I've been saying to myself but hearing it from someone else finally convinced me. It was all my fault. He starts to say some more things until I cut him off.
"Shut up! I know this is my fault! I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm a fucked up person but this wasn't what I wanted ever! I fucking hate myself! Knowing he almost died because of me makes me want to take his place but instead of living, I want to die. This is all my fault. I'm fucking sorry I came into his life. I ruin everything and someone just kill me already!" I sat on the floor and cried out everything I could. I didn't care if everyone was staring at me. I deserve the embarrassment.
I look up to see everyone crying except Robin. He probably felt proud of himself. I don't care all I know is that all the guilt makes me want out of this life.
"What's going on?" My head shoots up instantly again. That voice.
"Harry!? Get the nurses!" Anne says with joy.
He's awake.
Notes
Hiii. Okay so while writing this I actually cried so I hope you enjoy it!
Update soon! Also please reply to my message? :)
5/8/14