Forgotten

Saturday, February 1st. My birthday. I guess I should be happy but I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't want to wake up. Today was one of those days whenever I would get sad and sometimes for no reason. When I get like this I start thinking about all the bad things and I hate it. It happens too often and I can't deal with it. I'm tired of myself. I look up at the ceiling and just stare until I hear the knob on my door jiggle.
The door opens and mum my comes in with a good mood, "Harry! Happy birthday hun! Smile, it's your special day!"
I groan a little then fake smile for her. I smile for her so she doesn't ask questions. I don't care if it's my birthday. It's nothing special really. One year closer to death. Or month, day, maybe even hour. Who knows?
"Harry, i'm sorry. Robin and I won't be able to be here with you to spend the day together as family. Do you want to invite your friends over?" She smiled even more at the though of me at least being with friends today.
Friends. Oh yeah I barely have those. I guess I should make up a bullshit story to no have them come.
"No thanks mum. I'm feeling sick and I wouldn't want them to catch it." Of course I wasn't really sick but I just want to be alone. My mum just smiles, kisses my cheek and leaves. That was easy. I didn't think she would believe it. But she did and I probably didn't even look sick and it was okay with me that she believed it. I can be alone this whole day. Wonderful.
Well at least I get some alone time with myself. That's all I want is to be alone for a while. I felt lonely but I felt like being alone was the best right now. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I wanted to be invisible forever. I didn't even want to be around Louis for a while. I felt like I would just disgust him. Honestly, I would love to have him here but for my own sakes, I can't have him here.

I feel useless. Worthless. Stupid. And a fucking idiot for doing what I did. I think the saddest part is that I might ruin Louis if he wasnt ready. Louis actually has alot of friends and I know with news like that they wont accept him. To know that Louis could lose everything because of me makes me want to punch myself. I hate myself so fucking much. Im such a screw up. Maybe things would be better if I just left.
I slept for 3 hours more and then decided to at least get some food. I head downstairs and went to the kitchen. I'm starving and staying in bed all day won't with anything. I look in the cupboard and don't find anything good. I should maybe go to the supermarket. I look around and here was a box on the table and attached was a note.
Harry,
Happy birthday. Here's some book that will help with your problem and another one that you will need to read.
-Robin.
My problem? What exactly is my problem? That I can't handle him going off on me. That reason seems pretty good problem that I have. I open the box slowly and take out the books. He gave me a book on how to respect. What a dick. The another one about sexuality, whatever. Might as well burn them since they wont be necessary. I'm not changing for him. He'll have to take me just as I am.
Well It's my birthday and to lighten up the mood, I'll just make some cake. I get out all the ingredients and get to work. A cake will help me feel better I guess. Maybe I should call Louis. i'll admit even though I'm still mad at him, I feel the need to talk to him. No, I won't call Louis, not after all the things he said. His words hurt and I feel like a burden on him everytime I talk to him about my problems. I can't imagine calling him and having him yell at me for embarassing him. I didn't mean for any bad things to happen and yet they did. Everyone hates me and it's all my fault. I just can't seem to keep all the bad away. I'm supposed to be happy. I have to stop thinking of this and just think of happy things. I will make today a good day. No matter what.
****
My cake turned out to be absolutely delicious, but eating alone made me feel lonely. I tried not to think about him but I did anyway. Perhaps I should buy myself a gift to please me. Something that will make me happy. I should call my mum to see if she needs anything.
"Hello, Mum?" I don't hear an answer for a short time. "Mum? Hello?"
"What do you want?" A deep voice answers instead of my mums and it's Robin. Why did he have to answer?
I was just wondering if you two need anything from the store for when you get home?" Again a short pause was followed after my question.
"No but what I need you to do is clean the house. Don't make yourself any less useless. Don't make it all gay either and for the love of everything don't bring any boyfriends in the house. I don't need that in my house. Oh and I don't want to see Louis in our house ever again. Got it?"
I had enough self control and didn't say anything I would regret even though I was so tempted. I managed to say a simple yes sir but If i said what I was thinking he would probably come home right now just to kill me. I hate him so much. I just know Robin will find a way to make my life a living hell like before and my mum won't suspect a thing. I can't even bring Louis over anymore now that Robin knows he isn't just my best friend.
Louis called me and I ignored him. Why? I have no idea. I'm such an idiot and I might ruin things between us anyway. I would make him angry and I didn't want to do that. He kept calling until I decided to pick it up.
"Harry! Happy Birthday love!" he sounds so cheerful and I can't help but smile at him. I can picture him happy in his room with that beautiful smile of his as he waits for my response.
"Yeah. Thanks."
Sure "Happy" birthday indeed.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" He acts like he doesn't know what he said and I want to forgive him but not this easily.
"What's wrong? Oh nothing, everything is lovely. my stepfather hates me again and not to mention he beat me up again. He gave me a black eyes and my mum doesn't even know. Everyone at school hates me and I'm getting bullied again. And my boyfriend said he would never date a loser and called our love bullshit. No, everything is perfect." I almost started to cry as I waited for his response. He takes a while until he speaks up again.
" Harry listen-"
I cut him off, "No Louis, you listen. If you're going to say thing like that and say you don't want to be with a gay loser like me then fine. Break up with me so I don't have to ruin your reputation."
The though of us breaking up made me panic a little. I can't lose my best friend. He's the best thing in my life right now. I can't have him leave. Not like this.
" You're so fucking over dramatic. I did it to save our asses but you're blaming me? I did nothing wrong. You know damn well that you weren't ready to come out and neither was I but you did it anyway. Now the entire school is making fun of you. It's all your fault. Sorry."
My fault. It's my fault. It's always my fault; for the divorce of my parents, that Robin hates me, and now because of this. I'm tired of disappointing people all because I'm such a screw up.
"Well I'm sorry that I did that. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to everyone. I'm fed up with all of this. Thanks for your fucking support that you gave me. Just so you know, Im being sarcastic. Fuck you."
I wasn't about to let Louis win this. I was tired of it all. I couldn't even make Louis proud. Instead I made things worse. I hate everything.
"Fuck you too. Do I care? No. Do what ever the fuck you want because I won't care at all. I don't care what you do after this because honestly you're kind of being annoying. Just calm down and then maybe come talk to me after okay? Why can't you just be stronger? You don't always have to be the wimp. I can't help you all the time. It's time you stick up for yourself because it gets annoying having to look after you all the time because you cant do it yourself. " He sounded so convincing that it hurt. It hurt to have him say this to me with confidence. It's like he want to hurt me. Does he know how much Im hurting already? You think after years of dealing with this you would not let if affect you but you know some people aren't as strong as others. I'm not the strongest person out there and Louis knows that. I want all of this to end.
There in that moment. That's when I knew. If I left, no one would care. I figured it out and I know how. It hurts to hear Louis saying he doesn't care but he would never lie to me. I didn't expect things to just go downhill like this. I dont want this. I just want things to get better but they dont. They only get worse and its killing me.
"You know what? I will and then we'll see who cares. Not me. And one thing before I go, I'm sorry." And I was, I was sorry for everything that I have done to everyone. I was sorry that I was even born this way and I knew there was no going back. This was who I am and as much as I want to change that right now, it one of those things that you just cant change. It irritates me. I just want to be normal. I want my life to be normal. I dont want everyone to hate me.
I hung up right after my last words. I know what I want for my birthday now. It's so clear to me and I can get it from the basement. I can finally get a present that will actually make me happy. Everyone always says do what makes you happy because in the end its all about you.
Since I was younger, I already knew exactly what I wanted to be when I got older. Happy. When you tell this to someone else though they look at you funny and think you're crazy. They tell you to be serious and I was. I thought I was happy for good now until this whole disaster came back and causes me so much frustration. I make everyone hate me so why not just stop disappointing people. Yeah that's something I really want. After this it might actually happen. I wont disappoint anyone anymore.
I go into the basement look for what I need and there it is. I wrap it in colourful paper and put a nice bow on it. This is what I want for my birthday. Your bithday is a time where you're supposed to be happy and I know I will be after my present. I go to my room where I will open my gift but first I write a note to Louis.
Louis,
You said do what you want. I will and I will finally be happy. Do you still care? Because I care about you. I still love you no matter what and maybe for now this goodbye will soon old news and I will be forgotten and maybe that's what I want. Are you proud of me now Louis for doing what makes me happy? I'm sorry.
Love, Harry
******

It's now 7: 30 and Louis send me a text. Hmm surprising.
Can you come over and hang out with me and Niall?
I was thinking of not responding but I might as well.
If I can.

I know I wont be able to but I cant tell that to Louis. He'll get the clue when I dont show up that its not because I dont want to but because I cant. Am I stupid for what I'm going to do? I don't know, I just know that I want out. Of everything. Maybe that way I won't be in Louis way. I won't have to deal with Robin. The people at school can be happy I won't be there. I'm tired of feeling this way. Everyday I'm stuck with this feeling and I hate it. It's like I'm not enough for anyone and it hurts.

I sit on my bed with my present on my lap waiting for a good moment to use it. I wait until I feel like it's time for me to open it. Happy Birthday to me! I get a chair and put it in my closet. I take my present and wrap it around the pole thats hanging horizontally in my closet then around my neck. I stand on the chair. This is it. No more suffering and I can be happy. I push the chair with my feet and then everything goes black.

Notes

Yay! New update. It's not that good I apologize but I tried.
Anyways thank you for reading!
"To you something might not seem to bad but to the person it could hurt them so much. Just remember everyone has a breaking point. Some easier to break than others."