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Forgotten

Chapter Two

The ride home felt longer than usual and it was really uncomfortable. Being with Robin anywhere made me uncomfortable. I feel like he always judges everything I do or say. To Robin I've always been a disappointment. He hated me but loved my sister, Gemma. She was his favourite and mums favourite and I was just there. Whenever my mum worked late and Gemma was with friends or whenever he got a chance, he would beat me and he never felt sorry for it. I used to think I deserved it because everybody hated me, even I hated me and that this is what I get.
One day I came home and he was the only one there and I decided that I didn't want this to go on any longer. I told him that I was wrong about my sexuality and that I had a girlfriend and he believed it. After a while he didn't call me worthless, a disappointment, faggot or fucked up any more. I actually tried to force myself into liking girls and it was going okay until Louis came along. It didn't matter to me. I fell in love with Louis and when he finally liked me back, I didn't care about girls anymore. I knew who I was and I know that I do love Louis more than so many things.
"Harold. We're home." Robin says opening his door and heading inside. Right home. Where I am finally going to tell Robin that I am for sure gay and there's nothing he can do about it.
As I prepare myself I get this feeling in my stomach that maybe this is a bad idea. I ignored it. This has to be done whether I want to or not. Do it, Harry, do it for Louis.
"Robin, can I tell you something?" My voice sounded so small as I spoke. He hesitated but then nodded his head.
"Fine. Make it quick. I have to get back to work." He didn't sound eager or interested in what I was going to say but when he hears it he'll care.
I stare into his eyes and he doesn't look at me wit love in his eyes. He looks at me as if i'm nothing but trash. He doesn't like me and he never will. In my eyes you would probably see fear and nervousness. After this I know he'll hate me once again. Even more this time.
"Um.. I cant. I will never- Robin, I can never love a girl. Ever. I will never fall in love with a girl and marry her. I love Louis. He's my boyfriend and he's the one I want. Not some girl. I know for a fact i'm gay. I love Louis with all my heart."
He stares at me with his cold eyes and I felt as if something was going to happen. I could feel his eyes on me and they felt like they were cutting right through me.
"I knew you'd still be a stupid faggot. God Harold, you're so stupid! You're going to make MY family look bad all because you want to look for attention and say you love a boy! I was actually having hope for you and there you go being a damn disappointment again. I was so wrong. You know what you are? A fucking disgrace." He yells but his words felt like they were eating me alive.
"This is not your family. You're not my father. Stop yelling at me like it's going to fucking change that i'm gay! Get the fuck over it! It's not like I should care what you think anyway. You're nothing to me. Call me a disappointment all you want. It fucking hurts and you know what? I fucking hate you and you're the disgrace here!" I yelled back not caring or the moment what happens. I want him to leave me and my family alone. He's not my dad and he should stop trying to be something. Like I said he is nothing to me.
"What did you say? Don't you fucking dare talk to me like that ever again. I don't care who you think you are but I demand some damn respect. Don't want to give it to me? Fine. Don't go crying to Anne when I'm done with you"
I blink for one second and the next thing I know i'm on the floor wit a bloody nose and a pain in my stomach. My face hurt and my stomach was feeling like I was going to explode.
"Talk to me like that ever again and see what happens. I'm done with you Harold. Get the fuck out my face. You disgust me." He spat out not helping me get up at all.
If he didn't hate me before then he does now. I want to be good enough for Robin and everyone else. How am I supposed to make Louis proud now? I'm just a fucking disappointment and that's all I'll ever be.
****
I wake up not knowing when I fell asleep but it's was what I sort of needed. I still didn't feel much better and it's only 6 in the evening and I don't want to be here. I might as well do something. Even if it's not important. There was nobody to be found. My mum was supposed to be home earlier and Robins car wasn't in the drive way. Oh well.
I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. A black eye, messy curls and bruises everywhere. I take off my shirt and there they are. Scars all over my arms. Some fading, some visible. Was I proud of them? No. I'm reminded of them everyday. How can I not notice them when they are everywhere on my arms. The ones fading looked like they're almost vanishing. Not for long. My secret place above the mirror is were I keep my blades. At some point I thought I was strong enough to throw them away. I was so wrong. I don't want to break the promise but It's too tempting. Sometimes I just need to focus the pain somewhere else. Right now is one of those times. I promised Louis I wouldn't but I can't help myself. I drag the blade across my skin, feeling a small pain. I made sure not to cut too deep. Feeling the cool blade on my skin felt good. I look at my wrist and see the blood in a line. All I could think in my head was disappointing Louis if he found out.
Looking into the mirror again and I saw a different person than the one who I saw a week ago. This one feels broken. He's a wimp, a mess. A disappointment. And a disgrace. He wasn't the strong cheery one that he was when he was around Louis. Being with Louis made me the happiest. His smile always made me feel special and looking into his eyes, I felt safe and like he really cared.
I check my phone and I see lots of missed calls from Niall and Louis. I look at my messages and I have so many and some of the number I don't recognize. It's not like I want to know anyway. Too many negative ones. There's no need to call Louis or Niall back to tell them what happened. It's done and over with. What's done is done and nothing can change it. I thought about doing something productive but I just ended up on Facebook. By the looks of it everyone wants to know about me. Rumors spread and people talk shit. I check my notifications and I see that I got tagged in a status wit Louis.
Mark Lukward: Louis, you and Harry date? Wtf. Rumors these day bro.
That didn't bother me until I saw Louis comment.
Louis Tomlinson: What? No! That's all bullshit. I would never date a loser or be gay. That's fucked up.
Bullshit. Fucked up. Never date a loser. I understand Louis not being ready but did he really have to say it like that? I was hurt and angry. I hated Louis for this. I don't care it it was to protect our relationship but to say it like that, hurt. Out of anger and disappointment I post a status too.
Harry Styles: It wasn't bullshit to me.