Louis

Of course I still wanted to be with Harry but for right now I know what's best. He probably didn't even know he was gay until I just told him I was his boyfriend. What surprised me the most was that he felt comfortable in my arms and he barely knew me anymore. I want the old Harry back and this time I won't do anything stupid. He seemed so vulnerable and small. He always was but I was hoping it would go away.
"Louis, I have one more question. Nobody ever wants to talk to me about so maybe you will." He took off his jumper and showed me his arms," Where are these from?"
Cuts, burns and scratches all over his arms. I was never aware of this and it made me feel even worse. Harry never told me about this and I feel hurt that he never did. They were all over his arms and it hurt for me to see. Then I remembered the day when I did it. Seeing the hurt on Zayn's face. It hurt to see that even though I hurt myself and wanted to feel the pain somewhere else, I knew by the look on Zayns face that I had hurt him too. There weren't any new scars and some where fading but others will take a while.
Harry kept looking at me examine his scars and then he looked at them too.
"I always look at them. I try to think of how they got there but I never get my answer. I don't like seeing them everyday. I hate them Louis but I don't know how they got here."
I study his face and he seems so upset but he'll be more upset when he learns the truth.
I pull off my coat as well and my arms are free. I put out my arms and show them to him. Sure, his did have more but that doesn't make it good. He looked at his arm then mine.
"You see Harry, you were extremely unhappy and you had a lot of pain. You took that pain from your heart and focused it somewhere else. On your body. You did that to yourself."
He looked horrified and confused. Then he looked back on me and my arm.
"Why? Why would I do that? Why did you? No. I wouldn't."
New Harry would never think of this because he has never encountered it yet. He probably think that he's a freak and that I'm a freak.
"To take away the pain in your heart. A way of coping. That is over now okay? Promise me that it wont happen now."
He nodded," You have to promise too. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I wont do it anymore."
***
The following week I was required to go back to school. I don't know what to expect but this time I'll show my friendship with Harry. There is no need to be ashamed and there never was. I was stupid but i'm changing my ways. I'm going to be a better person for Harry.
"Tomlinson! Where the hell have you been? The football team hasn't been the same since you left." One of my old team mates catches me in the hallway but I don't feel like chatting.
"You still going to be on the team? We need you. C'mon."
Back on the team. I loved being on the team but I don't know anymore.
"There's practice tomorrow if you're thinking of joining back alright. See ya man."
Maybe I will go back to playing. I loved it so much and I miss it. I'll keep it in mind.

I entered my class and everyone looked at me like I was a criminal. They all stared for a good minute until they looked away. Whispers was all I heard. I couldn't decipher them but it's not like I care if they talk about me. Zayn comes in and sits down looking confused.
"What's going on?"
I look around and the whispers didn't stop. I shrug my shoulder because I had no clue. I came in and everyone stares.
"Did you know people spread rumors? They said you were dead and they all believed it. Except us because it couldn't be possible."
They thought I was dead. Dead. Who the hell would come up with that rumor?
"So how did I die?"
"Well, supposedly someone was at the hospital around the time we got there and your mum was there talking about how he might now make it and chances are he will die and she was crying a lot so the person who was there assumed it was you. Then they over hear your mum talking about suicide. So that's the rumor."
Terrible. All of it was terrible. Why would anyone even tell the whole school?
"I hear he tried to commit but then I also heard from Candice that it was another boy. You know the gay one? But then he came to school and now Louis is here so did anyone die?"
And by gay boy they mean Harry. Harry had to be taught by his teachers privately because they knew but the students didn't. The only time they really see him is during lunch. I bothered me how they referred to him as the gay boy because I know for a fact they have one class with him and they knew his name.
"Mrs. Blanden? An irrelevant question but who was the student in the hospital because you know he almost died?" I can't believe she just asked. That was months ago. Why bring it up now?
"Well Karen, it was a young man by the name of Harry I believe. Almost lost his life. It was a sad time because us teachers liked him and he was a marvelous student. You see Harry tried to-"
I had enough i was about to explode and Zayn knew it he look worries but he didn't stop me.
"STOP." I got up and yelled," That was months ago. This is now. You don't need to be talking about him like that. Stop it. It's his fucking personal life and none of you need to be in his business like this. Just shut up and drop the subject. Why does it even matter to you. When all you refer to his is as the gay boy. Have some fucking respect and mind your own damn business because his personal life doesn't need to be brought up in class."
The whole class was silent and nobody even whispered anything. Mrs. Blanden on the other hand looks shocked. I was a good student. I was the respectful football player that every teacher loved. This wasn't how I was but I wasn't going to just sit there and let them talk about Harry.
"Mr. Tomlinson. We understand. There isn't a need for such foul language."
Whatever. The whispers continued now. Another team mate came up to me," Weren't you the guy that Harry said he was dating?"
The class once again got silent and i has no idea what to do. They didn't know about my sexuality. I had nothing to say.
"Louis, you're gay? Eww say he's lying" i heard someone say.
"Look at his face turn read. Maybe he is a fag!"
"Louis, are you gay?" I should have said yes but instead I ran out the door and didn't answer at all. All because I was worries about making a good imagine than actually being who I am. I hate myself for this. I hate that I still think that popularity comes first. But one day I'll have to confess.

Notes

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