January 2, 2014

Harry's Point of View

"Alyssa, Alyssa, come on Alyssa, open your door," I continued knocking. I refuse to leave until she opens this door. The hallway is dark and empty for it is one o'clock in the morning. I haven't seen her since mid-December and I still have no idea why she won't talk to me.

When I arrived we went straight to the dinner table but Alyssa wasn't there. Apparently she's 'sick'. How can her parents accept that bullshit?

"Alyssa White, I'm so serious! I'll knock this door down!"

I stopped knocking and held my head to the door. There were a few shuffles before the door unlocked. I waited a moment before walking in; I haven't seen her in three weeks and I haven't talked to her in over a week.

Her room is dark. There's not one inch of light coming into the room. Her balcony is shut with blankets hanging to prevent the light and towels on the floor to prevent light from escaping underneath. What the hell is going on with her?

"Alyssa?" I switched her side lamp on but the light didn't come on; she's gone to the extent of unplugging the lamp? "Talk to me babe, I missed you so much." I planted a kiss on her forehead and I could feel nothing but a fever. Maybe she is sick.

Her body was turned away from me and scrunched into a tiny ball except for her leg which was stretched forward while in a cast. Her hair lay down her back as it was the only visible part of her body. I set my hand on her side gently and moved closer towards her, inching to her warm figure. I ran my fingers through her hand and stayed quiet for a few moments.

"I know you're not asleep love, did you miss me?" I tried to lighten the mood but she still wouldn't look at me. I thought our reunion would be different. I thought she'd be at the airport waiting and then run to greet me, kissing me all over. Her parents would see but we wouldn't care, we missed each other too much.

"Alyssa!" I tugged at her until she was facing me. I tried to be loving and nice but there's no reason for her to block me out. What did I do? She gasped, not used to this side of me, "what the hell happened? Why won't you even look at me?"

I couldn't see where her eyes were fixated so I turned her light on, "god damn Alyssa! You took the fucking bulbs out?!" I plugged her side lamp back in and saw the palest girl I've ever laid eyes on. Her body looked so frail not just because of the leftover bruises from the accident but from the weight she didn't need to lose. She never really eats too much but it looks like she hasn't had any food since I left.

Her eyes closed tightly as she looked away from the light. I guess that's understandable considering she hasn't seen anything for the past couple of weeks.

"I did miss you," she croaked finally. I took her in my arms and hugged her softly. All I want to do is ask he what's wrong and fix her. I want to mend her heart and glue the pieces together but she's too stubborn. It takes more than a few words to get Alyssa to budge.

"Tell me what's wrong. What did I do? I'll fix it, I promise," my desperation caught her eye. A sigh was released from her chapped lips as she debated on talking to me. This will be a first if she actually tells me what's going on.

Alyssa's Point of View

He's so worried, so concerned, but who wouldn't be? I love him so much but I don't know if I should tell him, I don't know if I can. How will he take the news? Will he be pissed or will he sympathize? I still don't know how to handle this myself; how is he supposed to comprehend this?

"Alyssa, talk to me," I furrowed my eyes brows and took his hand in mine- the one that isn't in a sling. I have to do it, it can't wait.

"I umm, I got some news from the doctor when I was at the hospital," my eyes connected with an ink stain on my white bed sheet, "I had to get x-rays."

"What happened? Did you hurt yourself worse than they thought?"

If only.

"No, well, it's difficult."

"You don't have cancer do you? God, Alyssa, I can't lose you," I chuckled as Harry held my face in his palms, "so you are sick? Your parents weren't lying?" his reaction is beautiful, I love that he's so concerned. It sucks, but he cares.

"No, Harry, I don't have cancer. I had, I have a different situation."

"Baby you're going to have to elaborate. As much as I wish I could, I can't read minds," he smiled faintly but I can still tell he's dying to know. His patience is flawless to me, it's unbelievable how much this one beautiful boy can care for me.

"The doctor asked if Liam was my boyfriend," his grip tightened around his own knuckles at the name, "I said no and then she asked is I was sexually active."

His hand loosened this time and a streak of panic crossed his face. After a week of crying I figured it'd be impossible to let out my more tears but his loving eyes soon turned dull, like a lost puppy.

"Are you..." his words slowly came to a hault but his eye contact remained with mine.

"pregnant? Kinda," he tilted his head with confusion as his eyebrows knitted together.

"What does that even mean?"

"I was pregnant, we conceived that first night, you know, homecoming. Maybe there was a hole in the condom, I don't know but anyways, because the baby was only just being formed at two months the accident cut off some circulation."

My eyes dropped another tear and Harry was there to wipe it away still listening to me.

"The angle I was situated in had the seat belt wrapped around the area the baby was resting."

"So has it died? Is it still alive?" his voice sounds a different form of desperate; does he want this child?

"Harry, I've been drinking and I've smoked a few times because I didn't know. Because of those things and the lack of oxygen, the baby can be born in so many different ways and not one of them is good. The doctor said the best that could come out of this is a heart defect."

"I don't know what that means Alyssa," he whispered pushing a few strands behind my ear. I looked down and felt my lip quiver. I don't know if I want this baby or not but it wouldn't be fair.

"The heart defect basically guarantees your baby one to two years of miserable life. He or she would be in and out of the hospital and have monthly check ups. It would have breathing problems and the pain would not only be unbearable for the child but also for us. I don't know if I could bare that," I could feel Harry staring but I don't know his thoughts, I can't read him.

"And that's the best that could happen? Just two years?"

"Possibly two yeas Harry. The pregnancy could end at anytime."

"So you're keeping it?"

"I don't think so."

"What?" Harry pulled away from my hand and stood, "your just going to kill it?"

"No! Well, it's not abortion! It's a pill, two pills. The doctor gave me the first one and I have to take it by tomorrow. Then I have an appointment on Friday to take the last pill. It'll stop the pregnancy," I wiped my nose and waited for a response. I don't understand why he doesn't get this. He's being selfish if he thinks keeping it would be a good idea.

"You're keeping that baby Alyssa," his jaw clenched as he spoke threw his teeth.

"Excuse me?"

"You can't just give it up! It's ours!"

"And it's going to be dead! It may not even make it the full nine months Harry! Do you know how hard that would be on me? Carrying around a baby that may die at any second?" I can't decide if I'm being selfish, "do you really want me to give birth to something that may only live two years? And two miserable years at that?"

"It could live longer!"

"It couldn't!" I shouted louder than intended. I lowered my voice and took a breath before continuing, "I wanted to talk to you about it before I took the pill. My mind is made up though, I won't let the baby suffer."

"Your so selfish, I can't believe you," he's crying. Hands on his head and walking around my room crying.

"No Harry, you're selfish. You're willing to put me through all of these emotions for seven more months? You're willing to put yourself through it? When I have a kid I want to know it'll be healthy and happy! I want it to learn to walk and laugh. If we keep it, it'll be on monitors trying to breath, it'll try so hard to cry but stop because tears will prevent him or her from breathing. So no, I'm not selfish, you are."

His pacing stopped and he sat on the edge of my bed. Maybe he's finally understanding.

"If you want Harry, I'd get pregnant with you right now, okay? I love you and if that's what you want I'd give it to you. This isn't because I'm embarrassed, it's because I care too much to let it live that way; if it even gets that far."

There was a moment of silence, I long moment that I hoped was good. I hoped his mind would click and everything would be okay. When he looked at me all I could see was darkness though.

"If you take that pill, we're done Alyssa," he stood up and walked towards the door and held the knob, "I swear to god we'll be done."

I wanted to stand up and go to him, I wanted to beg him but my leg wouldn't let me. This stupid cast is holding me back. My head hit the pillow and I stared at the ceiling. Does he really mean that or is he just mad? He couldn't mean that. It's not his decision, he can't expect me to go through that pain knowing my baby would only last for two years max.

My hand reached out and into my side table and pulled out the single pill. I sat up, opened my water and slowly swallowed. No baby deserves that way of life. I just hope Harry will forgive me.

Notes

So this is sad. And just to let everyone know, I'm super into things being realistic so I promise you this is probably the most unrealistic chapter you'll get. I honestly have no idea how these medical things work but this is how I wanted it to play out....forgive me?

Anyways, what did you think?
Who do you think is being selfish? Or are they both being selfish? Maybe neither of them?
I love your comments, keep em' coming!

P.S.- I'm a crazy mofo so I posted another story. If you want to check it out it's called Enormously Sexy.
I know it seems cliche but I'm trying to make it different.Let me know if you like it!