Lost To You

~ Harry's POV ~
*One Week Later*

I once made a promise to myself that no matter what life brought our way, I would never walk away from the girl I loved, and I'd meant it. Every fucking word of it. But life had taken Audrey and me down a path neither of us knew how to navigate. One neither of us could bear. Life sometimes puts so much weight on our shoulders we crumble, bends us so far we break.

I'd broken a girl who was desperately trying to fix herself. And she shattered me.

I lifted the glass to my lips. The golden liquid burned a path down my throat and settled as a pathetic excuse for comfort in the pit of my stomach. Lifting the glass again, I bled it dry. Ice clanked around in the bottom when I slammed it to the bar. I raked my hand through my hair and palmed the tense muscles in my neck. Kurt inclined his head toward my glass. "You need another?"

I shrugged and pushed the empty glass toward him. "Guess so." He laughed with a mild shake of his head and began to pour me a fresh drink. "You playing shy tonight? I've watched you stumble your ass out of here at closing damn near every night for the past week. Planning on cutting yourself off early or something?" Sarcasm rolled from the question, and he cocked a disparaging brow.

An incredulous snort shot from my nose. He had me pegged. The only plan I had was drinking myself into a stupor and praying when I woke up I'm wake from this fucking nightmare and just be in Audrey's bed. "Just keep them coming." He set the tumblr in front of me.

"That's what I figured." The little bar was quiet tonight. I only had to walk two short blocks inland from my condo to seek it's seclusion. I'd passed it what seemed like a million times when I'd travel to and from Audrey's hotel, and now it'd become some kind of fucked-up refuge that fed the destruction, something to knock me down a little further. Yeah, I knew exactly how to get here, but that didn't mean I wasn't lost.
That's what we were. Both of us. Completely, unbearably lost. Slumping forward, I propped myself up on my elbow, head supported by my hand. I took a deep swill of my drink, wishing that missing her didn't hurt so bad. It was excruciating. Brutal. But I knew in my burning gut that she was hurting worse than I was, more than I could imagine, and that was absolutely killing me.

I jumped when a stool skidded against the floor beside me. I cut my eye to whoever thought it necessary to take a seat next to me in a bar that was nearly deserted.

Joseph. Of course. He plopped down into the stool with a heavy sigh and leaned forward on his elbows. Kurt approached, "What can I get you, man?"

"Bud Light." Pussy. The two of us said nothing while Kurt twisted the cap and slid the beer toward him. Joseph drew there to his mouth, looked ahead without a word as he swallowed hard. Tension flared between us, this dense weight that thickened the air. On edge I sipped at my drink and tapped my fingers on the bar, my defenses all wound up on alert.

"You're a hard man to find." He finally said.

"That's because I don't want to be found." So obviously that was a lie. All I wanted was for Audrey to somehow find her way back to me. What I didn't want was to sit here and listen to Joseph feed my bullshit about how I fucked everything up.

"So this is better? This is your solution?" His words hardened as he waved an exasperated hand around the room. "Do you think I don't get it, Harry? Do you think I don't know how hard this is on both of you?" I shook my head and turned away, tipped my glass back to my mouth. No, I didn't think he got it. How the hell could he? He got to crawl in bed with the woman he loved every night, not lie across town from her, wide awake, worrying that might be the exact moment she was breaking down into pieces every god-damned minute of the night.

"You don't get it. I hurt her and she hates me. There is no solution, Joseph. We're done. Over. Get passed it."

"So...what? Give up? Pretend that both of you aren't miserable without each other?" I slammed the empty glass back onto the bar, this time it shattered and the glass lodged into my numb skin. I looked at him.

"I'm not pretending. I'm giving her space. But I would never even expect her to look at me again because of the things I said to her. They hurt coming out of my mouth just as much as they hurt her, trust me."
Frustrated, Joseph threw a ten on the counter as she continued to finish his girly beer.

"I find that hard to believe. You convinced her that she's the reason of Zachary's destruction. You convinced her that she's the problem to her dad's anger. You convinced her that she is worthless. How does it feel, Harry? You sit here and drown your sorrows in alcohol when you should be fixing the mess you made." My attention dropped to the crushed glass in my hand.

Harsh words dripped from my mouth, "She doesn't want me, Joseph. She made it clear she's rather die than let me touch her again. Believe me, if there was any chance I could win her back, I'd take it. But there's not. Audrey already made her decision." He shook his head in disgust.

"Are you seriously blaming her? Yeah, she said things she shouldn't have but you pushed her into them. You forced into an argument when all she wanted was to be left alone. You're a damned fool, if you can't see it." Slumping over the bar I pushed the broken glass away, and left the remains in my hand, taking them out will only ease the pain. I don't want that. I want to hurt as bad as she is. I buried my face in the crook of my elbow. My head hurt. My heart hurt. Everything just fucking hurt.

"She hates me." My words were whispered, if they were any louder they might break me.

"She doesn't hate you. She told you she doesn't hate you right before you left. We all heard it, we know you heard it. Stop pitying yourself. God, you are such a loser! You think she is still better off without you?!" He paused. His expression softening at a memory that was playing in his head. "You wanna know something." I stayed silent and he took that as a yes before the words came from his mouth, I was not ready to hear. "Her being with you was the happiest I'd ever seen her. When I say ever, I mean ever."

He stood from his stool and left the bar with our another word. I crushed my face deeper into my elbow. My eyes fluttered as my thoughts swam, and I got lost somewhere between fantasy and reality.

~ Audrey's POV ~

I cuddled deeper into the blankets as I squeezed my eyes closed, praying...praying for it to end. I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I didn't know how much more I could take. I didn't want to be this woman. I hated her. I didn't recognize her. But I didn't know how to make her go away. My stomach curled. Nausea spun through my gut the same way it did whenever Harry flashed through my mind. A tumultuous chaos that wracked my senses, confused and clouded the truth that was lost somewhere inside me.

It was visceral. A reaction I couldn't stop. Each day I begged for the moment when I woke up and recognized myself. The day I would recognize Harry as the man I loved. The man I'd wanted. No one understood how desperately I wanted to. None of them understood the way I really felt. Clutching my chest, I gulped for air, begging for anything that would deaden this unyielding pain suffocating me from the inside out. Unbearable agony pressed and crushed, cutting deeper into the places where my life had been snubbed out, infiltrating the crevices of darkness where the light had been ripped from my soul.

It was blinding.
Excruciating.
Malignant.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Hot, angry tears burned under my lids. Uncontrollably they fell, streaming from the creases of my pinched eyes. I cried out, letting the pain that festered within me rip up my throat. I expelled my misery into the muffled blankets. In my hands, I fisted the shirt that I'd worn for the past three days. "Help me," I whimpered.

But there was nothing that could save me. Nothing that could turn back time. Nothing that could give me back what I had lost. Hopelessness had become my only partner.

I was so angry with him. So angry, and yet I didn't even know why. Something wishing me had been erased. Obliterated. Because I knew I loved him. I was trying to block it out. I buried my face in the pillow and exhaled the air from my lungs as I wrapped my arms around it. Deafening silence resounded in the room. I squeezed my eyes tighter, giving into the darkness that had somehow become my life.

Notes

Oh...that's sad.

I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS RATHER DEPRESSING CHAPTER!

So, I had this idea....I HAVE GREAT IDEAS USUALLY. hehe debo. Anyway, so I'll like out a key below so you can see how many comments were put on the las chapter, and how many I want this chapter. If you reach my goal, then you get an update! If you don't....well, just reach my goal. Lol.

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