Lost To You

~ Audrey's POV ~
*Three Weeks Later*

I pulled my sleeves over my hands and clenched the ends of them in each as I wrapped my arms around my legs and curled up close in the corner of my hotel room. I am washed in this pain, I sense something different this time. It was as if the emptiness inside me had whispered that I was missing something as the days blurred into nothingness. It was something that echoed the loneliness that ached from my broken spirit. But where before I'd given into it, had succumbed to the void that I'd accepted would always be the most prominent piece of my life. Harry. The problem with Harry and I was so out of my limit. Maybe just the connection that bound us was too overwhelming, too powerful, too much. Maybe a love that flamed so bright could only burn us to the ground. Maybe it was inevitable, our ruin. Maybe something so strong only made us inherently weak.

I knew I couldn't handle Harry and all of his friends. Couldn't handle the intensity of what Harry made me feel. He was like a burst of color behind my broken eyes that I couldn't distinguish. He was a reminder of everything that should be and what I couldn't have. The hardest part was I didn't know if that feeling would ever change. If I could ever look at him and not be knocked from my feet by a torrent of sorrow.
A part of me is miserable and the other is just numb. Completely oblivious to anything and everything. I won't open my eyes to the light that is ready to jump out at me and bring me to realization. Because, I don't want to believe that my mother has passed. I don't want to believe my father hit me. I don't want to believe that Harry has moved on.

Pain clenched my heart, and tears welled in my eyes as I pressed my hand over my mouth. It all broke through. All my hurt and sorrow that I have built up in the last month, finally breaking free and coming in the form of tears. Oh my god. I hurt. I hurt so bad, I didn't know how to stand under it. It was crushing. Heart breaking. Awful. A sob tore up my throat. It was unstoppable. The sound shattered the silence that I have lived in for weeks and feelings were shown. I was letting my feelings show. Not that I had a choice. I don't. I won't.

Another sound burst through the room, and rattled my already shaking form. 23. That would be the 23rd time that my phone has rung ever since I left the condo. I haven't even glanced at the screen. I couldn't bare if the caller was Harry.

It's almost impossible for me to count the times Deborah has tried to talk to me. I would just avoid her gaze and shut my best friend out completely. She was another reminder of my mistakes. I should have never ignored her in the first place. Now, I have lost her. Just a few days ago she lashed out and told me how infuriating I am and how sad I have been acting. She told me I was only feeling sorry for myself and trying to get others to feel the same way. She has never been so wrong. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'm not trying to get her to feel sorry for me. I'm just hurting. So badly.

I fumble to stand from the ground, and wipe my tears. My feet slowly take me out of my bedroom and to the rest of the suite. It's been so long since I left that room, and I can't help but let another strangled cry part my cracked lips.

"Audrey?" A hushed voice asks and I turn my head to be met by the familiar group of boys. You have got to be fucking kidding me. No. No. I wrap my arms around my expanding middle and take in a shaky breath as I look directly to Deborah. My big green sweater immediately became interesting and my fingers fiddled with the bottom of the clothing where it fell to the middle of my thighs.

"Audrey...you haven't left that room in ages. I-I thought you were sleeping or something." Deborah says and my lip quivers. I choke down another sob but fail.

"I-I'm so sorry Deborah." I attempt to say through my strangled words. She stood from her spot on the couch and came to me.

"That's the first thing you've said to me these past three weeks." She smiles and I feel a familiar pair of green eyes burning into the side of my head.

"I-I am so sorry that I drove you away...I c-can't loose you too." My voice cracks with sorrow as she brings me into her arms.

"I'm sorry that I said those things to you...I know how hard this is and I'm sorry I have been so pushy." I hug my best friend tightly as I cry. I forget about the five boys watching me and I just express my hurt to Deborah.

"Audrey!" Joseph exclaims and I pull away from Deborah to meet the eyes of my best friends boyfriend. He was smiling widely, yet sympathetically at the same time. "It's been weeks since you've been out here!" He says and hugs me just as Deborah did.

"What are you doing out here anyway?" Deborah asks softly and I detach from Joseph. I dare not look at Harry, I can't.

"I needed to apologize....I n-needed to come and talk to you." Another sob racked through my body and I covered my mouth once again.

"Come talk then." She says and I shake my head.

"I-it can wait...you h-have company." I whisper and a frown takes up her flawless features. I have always been jealous of Deborah's beauty.

"Audrey, I haven't seen you like this in weeks. We're talking right now. I don't care if they're here." She says and I look at the ground.

"R-really, we can talk after you guys...whatever." I shrug and turn to walk back to my room.

A hand grasps my wrist and I freeze in my spot. Warmth spreads through my once cold body and I shiver at the contact with him. More tears spill over my cheeks and I muffle my reoccurring sobs with my sleeve.
"Please." My voice is not above a whisper as I plea.

"Look at me." Harry softly demands and I tear my wrist from his hands. I slowly turn to face him, but keep my eyes on the ground.

"Harry, just leave her alone." Joseph seethes and my eyes flicker to meet my friends gaze.

"W-why are y-you so angry?" I ask him and he looks at the boys before looking back at me.

"I can't tell you." He says and I look at him with uneasy eyes.

"Why not?" I whisper and he drops his shoulders in a sigh.

"Joseph...tell her." Louis says defeated and I suddenly feel very threatened. Harry moves out of the way and I look from Louis to Joseph.

"Don't tell me. I-I have too much to worry about right now and if it's that bad then, I don't want to know." I tell them and Joseph nods.

"Okay." He says.

"Audrey." Harry says and I look to the ceiling. I try to find the air to breath but can't muster any. I'm gasping, crying, sobbing I refuse to look at Harry. I can't. It'll hurt too much and my heart will only sink further. I fall to my knees and welcome the pain the concrete floor has provided. I'm dying. Not literally, but mentally. I feel like at any moment my heart could shrivel up and turn to dust. I will disappear and this aching will finally stop. Everything will stop.

"Calm down." Deborah is next to me in seconds and I attempt to scream.

"Go away!" I'm not talking about her, or Harry. I'm simply talking about the pain. The demon that claims to be my "friend" but in fact is only hurting me. Deborah knows I'm not talking to anyone in the room and she is frantically trying to look into my blood shot eyes.

"Audrey!" Deborah is shaking me violently as I scream and kick at her.

No one wants you.

No one needs you.

No one loves you.

She's gone.

He's hit you.

She's done with you.

He's moved on.

"No! He's right here!" I let the voices know that Harry is right here next to me.

That doesn't mean he wants to be.

"No! He loves me!" At this point I'm screaming at the voices in my own head and I can't breath. I'm clutching my heart as if it would actually mend the broken pieces.

"Audrey." Deborah whispers and I open my eyes to meet her blue ones.

"She's gone...she's gone. She's never coming back to me." There it is. That realization that I was so afraid of. It's here, and stronger than I ever expected it to be.

"I'm so sorry, Auds." She says and pulls me into her loving embrace. I rock back and forth in m friends arms as I cry to nothing. I say incoherent things and she attempts to calm me with whispered apologies and condolences.

My pain has intensified to a point where I never even knew it was possible. My eyes sting as I continue to cry for the first time in weeks. It's all too much at one time and I'm overwhelmed with all of this shit. I can barely keep myself together. I'm slowly falling apart. I'm dying. My soul is darkening and I can almost feel myself preparing a grave for my crushed heart, and soul.

"Will it ever stop?" I ask her and she just sighs.

"I don't know, Auds...that is a very good question."

Notes

So, This chapter is different then how I usually write...do you like it? I tried writing a book that was all descriptive like this chapter but that didn't work out so well. So, comment your thoughts on the chapter!

COMMENT
RATE
SUBSCRIBE

happy birthday! { is is anyone's birthday today? }