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Lost To You

Chapter 19

~ Audrey's POV ~

Sleep never came to me. My mind raced, and my heart beat went faster by the second. I tossed and turned around, with Harry right by my side, but he never woke up. My mind went to dark places, and I found myself in the bathroom, with my back pressed against the wall. I stared at the white ceiling above me, dreading tomorrow to come. I have to face the world. I have to pretend everything is okay, when in reality I'm hurting inside...bad. Every inch of my well-being fighting against the hurt and pain I go through everyday, just to make others happy. My boyfriend, my best friend, the boys....I try so hard to make them believe that I'm okay, and they do. Am I that convincing? How can I convince them when I can't even convince myself?

I hate this.

I hate Zachary

I hate that he left me.

I hate myself for what I have put Harry through.

I hate Joseph for hurting Deborah.

I hate that I try so hard to fix myself, but fail.

I hate my parents.

I hate what they have done.

I hate myself for feeling like this

I hate that I have to lie, and pretend.

I hate that I can never be my real self around the people I love, because my real self isn't who everyone thinks I am.

I hate that I fall too easily.

I hate the thoughts that are put into my mind about hurting myself.

I hate that I feel unwanted.

I hate that this baby will never receive what he deserves.

I hate the fact I always have a problem to deal with.

I hate me in general.

I hate it. I hate it so much, I can't take it. I can't look into Harry's eyes one more time and tell him I'm okay. I can't pretend to be enjoying myself with Deborah anymore. I just can't do it.

I scrambled to my feet, and look at my self in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy, tears stain my cheeks, as sobs erupt from my mouth allowing my bottom lip to quiver whenever I did. I looked awful. I raked my had through my hair, and pulled it into a sloppy bun. My bangs fell freely around my face, as I looked around the bathroom. My bag. I picked up my pick toiletries bag and unzipped it, grabbing my black razor. I cried harder looking at the object. This is so wrong.

I rested the razor against my wrist, and took in a deep breath. Without another thought I drug the blade against my skin, slicing it. I whimpered at the new stinging feeling. I forgot about all of my hate, and worry, just focused on the stinging my wrist brought me. More tears fell as I made another. And another. I dropped mt razor, and backup. My back hit the wall and I slid down looking at my bloody wrist. I put my head in my hands, and cried harder than before, my head began to hurt and my body felt numb. What did I just do?

"Are you alright in there?" Liam. Fuck. He traded his bed for the couch so Deborah could sleep in his.

"Y-Yeah." I responded. Getting up and rinsing my razor off, and putting it back into my bag. I ran my wrist under the cold water, and squeezed my eyes shut at the pain.

"I'm coming in." He stated before he jiggled the door, and it opened. He looked from me to my bloddy wrist

"Audrey..."