Showdows of My Heart

I've aways been in th shadow of everybody. Nobody cares what I have to think or say. I'm constantly looked down on. Nobody cares about me. I have many friends, but they mean nothing to me. I only really care about my family, my small group and church, and my best friend Jessica. I'm the youngest in my family, I've always been seen as that small girl that is irresponsible and pathetic. I play sports and get good grades, but my siblings and other family members always seems to out do me. School records, 4.0's, working at a really good job, got accepted into the best college. Since I'm the youngest, I have to stay with youngest of my family. I'm put at the little kids table for family gathering and dinners. When I try to speak, I'm either told to be quite or ignored by those around. Jessica gets me, she understands me. We are both Directioners. I do everything with her Jessica. We both went to see One Direction in Seattle, we went to 1D3D together, and we both know every lyric of every one of their songs. I tell her everything to my feelings, to who I like, to what I'm going through. My small group gets very emotional as well. One point we'll be happy and laughing, the next moment when somebody mentions a sad event, memories will come back and we will all be in tears.
I always thought about it. What it would be like. I always wonder what it would be like without me, what it would be like if I ever committed suicide, if I ever self harmed. I sometimes sit there in the shower looking at a razor thinking, "I could do it, right now. I could pick up that razor and make all the pain go away off my heart. Everything might be better.". The only thing that stops me is knowing people will eventually find out. I might get sent into a rehab center or a mental hospital. I got really close to my friend last year. He was my everything. We would mess around, we would text every night during the voice, and hug each day after school. One day our friendship fell apart. That night I knew the best thing I ever had was gone. I wanted to be away from everything. I wanted all the hurt to go away. I wanted to die and be with God in Heaven where everything would perfect. I still have moments similar to that today, but just not as intense. My favorite verse from any song is from Moments by One Direction, "Don't want to be reminded, don't want to be seen.". I constantly feel that way each day. My life feels like a game, but I know I'm important and God gave me a plan. I look at my posters and sit on my bed and begin crying because everybody says it's impossible, I can't love them. But I know it's true, but I choose not to believe it.
I get out of the car to go to school. The ground is wet and drops fall from the dark grey sky. I repeat to myself as I do everyday, "Put a smile on your face, everything might be okay."

Notes

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