I had exited the questioning room, and joined Harry in the police foyer.

“There was a note.” I said to him. “I didn’t have time to tell you before. He left you a note.”

Harry didn’t look surprised. He hadn’t looked up since I exited the room, his eyes still glued to his shoes, and his hands tied into a knot.

“I think you should stop seeing me. My world isn’t cut out for you. My past is catching up. I didn’t think that it would, but it is, and it’s dangerous. When I think about what he was doing to you when I entered the room- what he could have done, if I hadn't entered the room- I feel sick. I can’t believe I made you vulnerable to that. This is my fault.” His eyes still lay on his feet.

I placed my hand over his. “Whatever is happening, we are in this together. I won’t leave you.” My voice got caught in my throat on the last word as the tears threatened to spill over.

“No” he looked up at me. His eyes were hard, and his voice forceful. “You don’t have a choice anymore. This has gone too far." He took a deep breath before looking at me, his facial features set like stone. "I don’t want you in my life.” I thought he was joking, but he had built up a wall and I couldn’t see any hurt in his face, and his voice was strong.

He was being serious.

“You just want to protect me but I can look after myself, I don’t need you to do this. I am staying Harry. I know you don’t want me to leave.” I said, almost only to reassure myself.

“Didn’t you hear me” he paused “I don’t want you.” His voice was calm and steady as he slowly pronounced every word, almost to make them hurt more as they sank into my mind.

He didn’t want me. The words soaked in.

I got up and found an officer that was in the room I had just come from.

“Am I right to go?” I couldn’t keep eye contact with the officer. My voice was breaking, as the tears began to well in my eyes.

“We have your details, so we’ll keep in touch. You are right to go for now.”

I turned around and immediately ran for the exit, the tears finally flowing over. That was it, we were done! And there was nothing I could do about it, except watch the love of my life slip away. I couldn’t be in the building anymore. I needed air. I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy. I needed to sort through the conversation I just had. I needed to find a fault in his words, something to tell me that he didn’t mean what he had said and he did want me. He just didn’t want me to get hurt. But nothing came. I replayed his voice over and over in my head. His face was indented in my mind. His eyes were cold, and so was his voice. He hadn’t left a trace of uncertainty in his words- he showed no signs of weakness or pain. He truly didn’t want me. The icy cold air hit me like a train. My tears dried my skin as I pulled my jacket up to my face trying to keep me warm. My legs broke into a run as I closed in on the 4 miles I had to go to get home. I couldn’t remember the rest of my journey home. My body was lurching my legs forward, but my mind was absent. I was in autopilot mode.

I checked my phone that lay on my bedside table. It had been four days, and I wasn’t sure of my movements. I couldn’t remember what I had done in the past days. I checked my messages. Nothing. Not a phone call to see how I was. No texts. My heart sunk deep in my chest as I processed the thoughts strangling my mind. I had lost him. He may as well have died in his apartment because I had lost him. I was never going to see him again, and there was nothing that I could do about it.

Notes

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