I'm Not A Perfect Person: A Letter To Louis
1/1
Brilliant blue eyes scanned over the lined a4 paper, and tears welled up making them shine in a devastatingly gorgeous way.
I know that you are probably very unhappy with me for all the things I have done, Lou. I was s***. I know that now. I’m so sorry that I caused you so much grief. I never meant to do those things to you. But I just want you to know that I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be, to start over new. And I know it’s too late now, but the reason is you.
Tears blurred the petite lad’s vision to the point that he had to stop reading. Memories flooded his mind causing the tears to come more frequently.
--
“Harry! What are you doing?” A strangled cry escaped from Louis’ lips, his body starting to uncontrollably shake.
“The f**** it look like I’m doing?” Harry asked around the cigarette hanging from his lips as he pulled on his boxer briefs.
Louis replied with a trembling voice, “It looks like you’re.. cheating.”
“If you can be with a whore why can’t?” Harry retorted. The blonde that was in he and Louis’ bed scampered past Louis, cheeks red with shame.
That broke Louis. “You know that I’m not actually with her. You know that! You know management doesn’t want people to know about us! Why do you have to make me the bad guy?”
Harry flicked his cigarette into the coffee cup beside the bed. “Because you’re the s*** that agreed to it.”
Louis’ voice hardened to an icy cold Harry had never heard before. “What was I supposed to do? We’re under contract, Harry. Do you want to break up the band just because of us?”
“You could have fought it. I would have fought it if I had you by my side,” Harry clipped, sharp as steal.
“What about the rest of the lads? If it didn’t work?” Louis volleyed back.
“F*** them. They’d get on without us,” Harry barked flicking the ashes of his cigarette again.
“You can’t mean that, Harry. We couldn’t ruin it for them just because we want to be together,” Louis said in a rush, trying to rationalize.
“That’s the difference between us,” Harry explained getting up from the bed, “I could,” he finished knocking shoulders with Louis as he passed.
--
I don’t know what was s****** of me, the night I cheated on you or the night that I got so drunk and angry that I beat the living s*** out of Liam for going surfing with you in Australia.
White knuckles gripped the sheet of a4 paper as he remembered that incident.
--
Liam and Louis walked side by side down the hall in their matching wet suits chattering amicably about their day on the Golden Coast.
“I really had a blast today, mate, we’re gonna have to do it again next time we come back,” Liam said enthusiastically, exhaustion could clearly be heard in his voice.
“Maybe we could invite Niall next time,” Louis suggested adjusting his clingy suit.
Neither had realized Harry was standing in front of Louis’ door until it was too late.
“Harry babe, why do you smell of booze?” Louis queried, but before he could get it out Harry had stepped in front of Liam.
“Who the f*** said you could take my boyfriend out?” The plastered lad shouted.
“What are you talking about, mate?” Liam asked sluggishly.
But Harry wasn’t in the mood to chat, that was clear by his demeanor. He took another step forward and swung on his mate, his large fist connecting with Liam’s jaw.
“What the actual f***,” Liam got out clutching his throbbing face.
Harry offered no explanation he just kept up the assault with a series of unusually brutal punches, and eventually knocked Liam off balance and sent him tumbling to the ground. Louis just stood there mouth agape in shock as Harry bent at the waist and began alternating between punches and kicks.
Zayn just happened to hear the commotion going on out in the hall and yanked open his door. Instinctly, the heavy lidded singer pulled Harry back and slammed him against the wall to restrain him.
“What in the s*** is going on?” he demanded, pulling Louis out of his trance.
Harry answered while Louis ran to Liam’s side to aide him. “That good for nothing piece of s*** took my boyfriend out behind my back. I had to find out from Twitter.”
Zayn took a hard look at Harry before slapping him across the cheeks that they immediately reddened as Harry’s head whipped to the side. “Don’t be an a** you know good and d*** well Liam is with Sophia and that you and Louis are on a break.”
--
That definitely wasn’t my proudest moment, but a combination of Zayn’s snap back to reality and the look of disgust you gave me. It was so different from the hurt looks I was used to getting from you. I could handle those because I was hurting too.
The lad’s eyes glassed over as recalled all too well how much Harry was hurting.
--
“Harry,” Louis called out dropping his groceries on the counter. He walked the length of the kitchen, but still heard no sign of his boyfriend who most certainly should have been home by now.
“Harry, love, where are you? I picked up some things from the store on my way in,” he chanced again.
He walked into the living room expecting to see a curly haired lad with bright green eyes shining away because of the music he was wrapped up in on his phone. But instead all Louis saw was an abandoned denim jacket the two often shared draped haphazardly on the furniture. Harry was usually so particular; everyone knew that Louis was the messiest so this was unlike him.
“Harry, where are you?” Louis demanded panic rising in his throat.
Louis went to the bedroom Harry had been sleeping in since Modest had flat out told the two of them that there were not allowed to be seen alone together in public. The door was locked, but luckily Louis knew that the key was resting on the top of the door frame. He reached up on his very tippiest toes and was able to knock down the key. Once he got it from the floor his hands were shaking so badly he struggled with the lock.
“Harry,” he whispered pushing the door open.
There with eyes farther away than the farthest burnt out star, was Harry sitting on the bed. Louis ran to his side and saw the bloody mess of his boyfriends forearm. Sobs violently racked his chest as he gripped Harry’s too cold hand. Countless slaps to the face couldn’t even rouse Harry, he was in shock.
--
Anyways I’m sorry that I hurt you, I really am. I wish that I could take it all away. But I know that I can never be the one to do that. Not after what I did, it’s something I’ve had to live with every day. So before I go I just want to say that if I could take it all back. Take back all the s***** things I did to you. Take back even falling for you, I would because I don’t think that it would have worked out for us even if I hadn’t. I’m so sorry. But just know I changed who I used to be. For you.
I know that you are probably very unhappy with me for all the things I have done, Lou. I was s***. I know that now. I’m so sorry that I caused you so much grief. I never meant to do those things to you. But I just want you to know that I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be, to start over new. And I know it’s too late now, but the reason is you.
Tears blurred the petite lad’s vision to the point that he had to stop reading. Memories flooded his mind causing the tears to come more frequently.
--
“Harry! What are you doing?” A strangled cry escaped from Louis’ lips, his body starting to uncontrollably shake.
“The f**** it look like I’m doing?” Harry asked around the cigarette hanging from his lips as he pulled on his boxer briefs.
Louis replied with a trembling voice, “It looks like you’re.. cheating.”
“If you can be with a whore why can’t?” Harry retorted. The blonde that was in he and Louis’ bed scampered past Louis, cheeks red with shame.
That broke Louis. “You know that I’m not actually with her. You know that! You know management doesn’t want people to know about us! Why do you have to make me the bad guy?”
Harry flicked his cigarette into the coffee cup beside the bed. “Because you’re the s*** that agreed to it.”
Louis’ voice hardened to an icy cold Harry had never heard before. “What was I supposed to do? We’re under contract, Harry. Do you want to break up the band just because of us?”
“You could have fought it. I would have fought it if I had you by my side,” Harry clipped, sharp as steal.
“What about the rest of the lads? If it didn’t work?” Louis volleyed back.
“F*** them. They’d get on without us,” Harry barked flicking the ashes of his cigarette again.
“You can’t mean that, Harry. We couldn’t ruin it for them just because we want to be together,” Louis said in a rush, trying to rationalize.
“That’s the difference between us,” Harry explained getting up from the bed, “I could,” he finished knocking shoulders with Louis as he passed.
--
I don’t know what was s****** of me, the night I cheated on you or the night that I got so drunk and angry that I beat the living s*** out of Liam for going surfing with you in Australia.
White knuckles gripped the sheet of a4 paper as he remembered that incident.
--
Liam and Louis walked side by side down the hall in their matching wet suits chattering amicably about their day on the Golden Coast.
“I really had a blast today, mate, we’re gonna have to do it again next time we come back,” Liam said enthusiastically, exhaustion could clearly be heard in his voice.
“Maybe we could invite Niall next time,” Louis suggested adjusting his clingy suit.
Neither had realized Harry was standing in front of Louis’ door until it was too late.
“Harry babe, why do you smell of booze?” Louis queried, but before he could get it out Harry had stepped in front of Liam.
“Who the f*** said you could take my boyfriend out?” The plastered lad shouted.
“What are you talking about, mate?” Liam asked sluggishly.
But Harry wasn’t in the mood to chat, that was clear by his demeanor. He took another step forward and swung on his mate, his large fist connecting with Liam’s jaw.
“What the actual f***,” Liam got out clutching his throbbing face.
Harry offered no explanation he just kept up the assault with a series of unusually brutal punches, and eventually knocked Liam off balance and sent him tumbling to the ground. Louis just stood there mouth agape in shock as Harry bent at the waist and began alternating between punches and kicks.
Zayn just happened to hear the commotion going on out in the hall and yanked open his door. Instinctly, the heavy lidded singer pulled Harry back and slammed him against the wall to restrain him.
“What in the s*** is going on?” he demanded, pulling Louis out of his trance.
Harry answered while Louis ran to Liam’s side to aide him. “That good for nothing piece of s*** took my boyfriend out behind my back. I had to find out from Twitter.”
Zayn took a hard look at Harry before slapping him across the cheeks that they immediately reddened as Harry’s head whipped to the side. “Don’t be an a** you know good and d*** well Liam is with Sophia and that you and Louis are on a break.”
--
That definitely wasn’t my proudest moment, but a combination of Zayn’s snap back to reality and the look of disgust you gave me. It was so different from the hurt looks I was used to getting from you. I could handle those because I was hurting too.
The lad’s eyes glassed over as recalled all too well how much Harry was hurting.
--
“Harry,” Louis called out dropping his groceries on the counter. He walked the length of the kitchen, but still heard no sign of his boyfriend who most certainly should have been home by now.
“Harry, love, where are you? I picked up some things from the store on my way in,” he chanced again.
He walked into the living room expecting to see a curly haired lad with bright green eyes shining away because of the music he was wrapped up in on his phone. But instead all Louis saw was an abandoned denim jacket the two often shared draped haphazardly on the furniture. Harry was usually so particular; everyone knew that Louis was the messiest so this was unlike him.
“Harry, where are you?” Louis demanded panic rising in his throat.
Louis went to the bedroom Harry had been sleeping in since Modest had flat out told the two of them that there were not allowed to be seen alone together in public. The door was locked, but luckily Louis knew that the key was resting on the top of the door frame. He reached up on his very tippiest toes and was able to knock down the key. Once he got it from the floor his hands were shaking so badly he struggled with the lock.
“Harry,” he whispered pushing the door open.
There with eyes farther away than the farthest burnt out star, was Harry sitting on the bed. Louis ran to his side and saw the bloody mess of his boyfriends forearm. Sobs violently racked his chest as he gripped Harry’s too cold hand. Countless slaps to the face couldn’t even rouse Harry, he was in shock.
--
Anyways I’m sorry that I hurt you, I really am. I wish that I could take it all away. But I know that I can never be the one to do that. Not after what I did, it’s something I’ve had to live with every day. So before I go I just want to say that if I could take it all back. Take back all the s***** things I did to you. Take back even falling for you, I would because I don’t think that it would have worked out for us even if I hadn’t. I’m so sorry. But just know I changed who I used to be. For you.
