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Listening to Niall

Chapter 35: heading home

I'm on the swing outside Eleanor's home, Hilary is pushing me from behind while Eleanor is pushing from front.
"What do you want to be when you're older?" Eleanor asks me her curls in two braids.
"I'll be a famous designer, what will you be Hilary?" I bounce the question on to her.
"I don't know… What would you be El?" She pushes the swing once more. Eleanor moves out the way so she won't get hit. "I want to be a journalist or something. I like to tell stories" She smiled. "Yeah you would be good at that" I nod "Hilary there must be something you're good at, that you want to be when you'll be all grown up" I say, I have my teddy on my lap, since I don't leave my home without it.
"But I won't be" She answers me "I'm dead". Eleanor and I turn to look at her. The girl pushing the swing isn't Hilary. It's a zombie with Hilary's hair and eyes. But the eyes are dead and she has flies flying in and out of her nose and open mouth. We scream and I jump of the swing, teddy falling to the ground.
When I turn back around Hilary is gone. Max is standing in her place, but we aren't outside Eleanor's home. We are older and at the hospital after the accident. And the doctor just told us that Hilary has died. I want to tell Max how sorry I am. That it is all my fault. That I should have never let him touch the switch. But as I do he just smiles at me.
"Max?! What is wrong with you? Why are you smiling? Hilary is dead! Can you hear me?? Dead! And it's all our fault!" I take hold of his arms and shake him. But he just smiles at me.
"I know" His smile gets wider. "That's why I did this" He breaks my hold on him and shows me his bleeding wrists. "Max! What have you done?" I am grabbing at his wrists to try and stop the bleeding. I am shouting for a nurse for help. "It's too late Jay" Eleanor is by my side her hand on my arm. "It's too late" Max repeats Eleanor's words.
Than his eyes roll back and his body falls on top of me. I scream.

"Jesus Jamie" I'm shaken awake. My head is spinning since I sat up too fast.
"I was screaming wasn't I?" I asked Niall, his face is white.
"Your nightmares are back" He told me as if I didn't remember I had one. I look down to my hands to make sure they aren't stained with blood.
"It was a dream- there is no blood love" Niall assured me.
"How do you know what I was dreaming about?" I asked amazed
"I don't you were screaming he's bleeding- help me he's bleeding"
"This isn't good" I shake my head. I raise both of my hands to hold back the hair that was spilling over my face.
"It was just a bad dream Jamie. It's ok" Niall rubbed my thighs.
"No it's not ok. Niall I'm scared. What if I'm going backwards?" My bottom lip is shaking.
"This time you have me by your side to help you through. You have Eleanor and me. Besides, why did you decide you're going backwards? I think that everything that happened just triggered your memory a bit that's all. Nothing to worry about" He hugged me.
"I hope you're right".
"I am! Let's go back to sleep, so we'll have energy tomorrow" Niall pulled me to him.
I snuggled up, but sleep wouldn't come.
I keep thinking of Hilary and Max. What would have become of them if they have stayed alive? How come I know of so much death? How is it our lives touched by it so, and at such a young age?
I look at the time. It is 4:30 in the morning. I glance at Niall, he is fast asleep again. I untangle myself from him and sit up. I tie my hair back and tip toe out of the room. After washing my face and brushing my teeth I go get the kettle going for some coffee. When my cup is ready I take it by the window and sit myself on a chair legs crossed.
I wonder out the window at the dark sleeping street. I was a train wreck two years ago because of that unnecessary car crash. I've lost two really close friends and almost killed myself. I'm not a suicidal person, I love life, but I just got to a point of having too many unanswered questions, and too many ghosts haunting my dreams that it just made me go insane, I felt numb, I had to feel again so I took to cutting. That just shows you how low someone can get. I touch my wrist. I have no scars to show for my cutting which I am grateful for. Eleanor and I were supposed to room with Hilary, she was going to take the same classes as me. But after what happen, I don't know who is responsible for it really, Eleanor and I were moved to a one bedroom flat, instead of a three bedroom like this one. I look around, at the way the boy's set this place up. As I do, I notice someone standing at the doorway looking at me.
"Harry? What are you doing here?" I ask him
"Sorry, didn't mean to give you a fright" He smiled at me "Can I join you?"
"Sure, feel like drinking a coffee? The kettle is hot" I smile back at him.
I watched as he made himself a cup and joined me by the window.
"Didn't know you're an early riser" His dimples showing strongly with his morning puffiness.
"I'm not.. Just .. I guess I am one today" I was getting my words mixed up, not sure if I feel like sharing with him the thoughts running through my head.
"Yesterdays conversation keeping you up?" He asked me.
I continued staring out the window, not wanting to answer.
"You know Jamie, anytime I'm with you alone I usually do most of the talking, or I feel like I am" He is looking at me I can feel it.
"You know, I was thinking about it, you know, about everything that was said last night. And you must be so strong to be able to get through like you did".
"How do you know I got through it?" I ask without taking my eyes of the rising sun.
"You're here aren’t you? You could have killed yourself like your friend Max did"
"You know nothing Harry! Nothing about what Happen or about Max or how strong I am" I finally look at him. I give him an icy glare and then I'm back looking out the window. I would have no one can talk about Max like that no one!
"You're right I don't know what happen, and I don't know Max and I don't know you. But I would like to if you'd let me"
"Why are you here Harry?" I ask him
"Didn't feel like walking across campus back to my dorm room so late at night" He grind
I node at him. Then I get up, I put the cup in the sink with some water in it, and start walking back to Niall's room.
"Next week we are out for Christmas" I say to him
"That is correct"
"If you really want to find out, come out to my home.. I'll show you" than I walk into Niall's room and shut the door.


"So we'll see you guys on the 26th you'll come down to Jamie's home" Eleanor hugged Perrie, and then Zayn.
"Yes! It's a must! We'll have a late Christmas party and then you stay right through New Year's" I take my turn at the hugging and kissing.
We are off for Christmas break, and are saying our goodbyes.
"Jaime El- Don't I get a goodbye cuddle?" Liam comes up behind us
"Sure you do love- give it here" I open my arms to him. He picks me up off my feet and Spins me around.
"Take care you hear me? All the best!" he kisses my cheek.
Eleanor and I get into the car with Louis and Niall. We have a flight back to London but Niall is driving. So he will be dropping El and me off at the airport, and then will be driving them to London.
"What did we do last Christmas?" I asked looking to the back seat.
"We were at Zayn's" Louis reminded me.
"That's right- You came up with all those games you wanted us to play" I remembered.
"And we shall play them again this year" He cheekily grinned at me.
"Oh please don't Louie! I'm not coming then!" Niall said
"If you won't come I'm not coming to your home on Christmas" I warn him
"You'll need to answer to me mum then" He glances at me.
"I want to see you get out of that one Jamie" Eleanor laughed.
"Niall if you don't want to be on Santa's naughty boy list" I tell him
"Oy Ni not the naughty boy list.. you better shape up" Louis ruffled his hair.
"You are probably on that same list love" El told him.
"Me? How do you figure that??" He raised his brows at her
"It all depends on the present I get from you" She beams.
"Wait what happen to you loving me no matter what and all?" He seemed confused
"Oh I have double standards" She winks at me as I burst out giggling. This is so like Eleanor. Before every birthday or holiday she goes on and on about her not wanting a present, that the love of her friends is all that counts and she would like us all to spend the day together.
But as the day nears she demands to know what we got her for a gift.
"So when are you coming down to the hoods?" I ask Louis
"Next Tuesday, too bad you two can't be at your home Jay" He said
"Well, you know whose fault that is" I give Niall a mischievous star.
"I have a feeling Jamie wants to walk from here" Niall stops at the side of the road
"Fine!" I open the door of the car. I wait a minute to see if he'll say something. There was a challenging silent. I got out and closed the door. I start walking smiling to myself, thinking of all the ways Niall will try and get me back into the car on this highway.
After a few steps the car is rolling slowly next to me, window down.
"Proved your point yet?" He asked. I put my hands on my ears as if I'm listening to music.
"Come on Jay- it's freezing out" He says again. I ignore him trying to keep a straight face.
"Jamie get in the car" he is pleading now. I know I should get in, but I have this urge to pull this a little longer.
"If you don't get into the car now" He warns me
"Then what?" I ask. Without any warning Louis gets out, picks me up and hurls me into the car. He slams the door and gets into the front seat.
"No you didn't" I say. Eleanor is trying her best to keep herself from laughing.
"You will miss your flight and I for one don't feel like hearing you girls go on and on about your presents" Louis waved his hands as if dismissing us.
"No present for you" El and I say at the same time. We look at each other, high five and giggle.
"I will never get that connection they have you know?" Louis says to Niall
"Neither will I" Niall shook his head, which made Eleanor and me Laugh even harder.


Eleanor and I were seated on the plane. We had another hour to go before we landed. We were listening to music through Niall's Ipod that was left with me. I had the window seat, so I was peering outside at the snow below, that still refused to melt.
"El" I looked at her as she was leaning over me to have a look herself.
"Sorry, I'm in your personal space?" her face bug-eyed from the view.
"No, no love" I laughed, pulling her closer to me.
"I was just thinking.. I want to go back to Nelly, just for one session to see I'm still on track"
"You know, I was thinking on going too" a doleful look on her minute ago happy face.
"What is it El?" I ask her
"I had a nightmare a few nights ago" She confessed to me
"You have them again too?"
"They start up every time we go home" She was expressionless now.
"I know, but that’s because we put it aside until we go back to our home life" I repeat what Nelly the therapist always said to me.
"You were smarter, going to her more often than I did"
"You didn't need her as much, you were in a better place" I assured her
"Well, I didn't see the images you did" She agreed
"El" I say again after a short silence "I think I'm ready" I tell her.
"Would you want me to come with you?"
"No, I think I should do it on my own" I say.
"Well you know what else we should do?" She asked me
"Yes, we should go see Belinda and Kelly" I lean my head on her shoulder.
"Yes, let's do that tomorrow"
"Would you like to go to the session at Nelly's together?" I ask her
"Sure, just like old times" she hugged me.
As the plane came to land I felt peaceful like I haven't felt in a while. I kept avoiding so many things back home even though it was all so long ago.
I've started a new chapter in my life and closed the door to my old one. But I came to realize that what Nelly said was true. I can't just shut it all out because it will come back and haunt me. I need to learn to face everything and live with it, and then, the real peace will come.

I was making my way through the graves looking for the two I was determined to find. Eleanor who's been here before, draw me a map. I finally got to the place my heart was seeking.
Hilary and Max were buried side by side, matching tombstones, matching fonts. The only thing that was different was the names engraved in the white stone. I put in front of each of them a rose I brought with me. Then I light two memorial candles I packed in my bag as well, and put them beside the roses.
I read for the first time the writing on Hilary's grave: "Tread carefully, here lies our world".
She was such a loved and cherished girl. So many times I can feel her presents with Eleanor and I. When we are sad, when we are Happy. We were like three sisters. I am pained with how my dear friend's life ended. Such unfairness to her loving family. My eyes dart to Max's stone: "If I should go tomorrow it would never be goodbye, For I have left my heart with you, So don't you ever cry"
I gasp. I've never been told that his own lyrics have been put upon his grave. I skim my finger over the letters. He was such a talented boy. I remember hearing my mum saying what a waste of flesh, love, beauty and talent. She summed them up in four words. But all I could think of at that moment is how they left us behind broken. Tears were streaming once again down my cheeks, their known route guiding them down to the fold of my neck. Gosh I miss them so.
I felt him kneel next to me. He too had flowers in his hands, he put them next to my red roses.
"So it's true, you're back" I said still looking at my friends cold stones.
"And the first thing I did was to come look for you"
"What part of Leave me alone didn't you understand the last time we met?" I look up at the big brown eyes that were owned by Peter my ex boyfriend.

Notes

Hi guys!!
Please rate this, comment tell your friends!

BTW!!
I broke down and got kik not really sure if I'm keeping it.. but until I make up my mind if anyone of you have questions about the story, or just feel like saying hi: raylee_key

Comments

I LOVED THE ENDING.... but haz is still alone... oh well

CrazyM0F0 CrazyM0F0
4/13/14

Yassss they kissed! :) i cant stop smiling!

I an so happy

CrazyM0F0 CrazyM0F0
4/5/14

I think her and hazza should be together

CrazyM0F0 CrazyM0F0
3/24/14

They have to get back together :'(((

ClaireBearrr ClaireBearrr
3/18/14

I just got my friend hooked and so she can tell me :D
But they really have to stay together if they don't I will cry and never stop