Listening to Niall

I am standing at the cemetery looking out to the cold graves as we wait for people to settle down so the rabbi can start the ceremony.
My memory keeps flashing back to this morning. My conversation with Oliver. Crying on the phone with my brother as we've been robbed of our last chance to see our granddad alive.
Eleanor waking up and hurrying over to my bed to comfort me with hugs. When she sees she can't get me to calm down she calls Niall. He is over in a moment, holding me in his arms close to his heart as I cried my heart out for the lost moments that I'll never get back. Even as the sobs died out the tears continued to full. My mum called me at 6:30 but I couldn't talk, her voice setting the sobs off once more. Eleanor spoke to her instead getting all the information I needed and writing it down. She then went to my closet and picked out a black knee long dress and a gray open sweater to go on top so I won't be cold. Then she got a bag ready with clothing and things I might need these few coming days.
As I calm down a bit, I am able to talk to my brother Daniel as my mum and Oliver are on a plane at this moment.
"I'm on a train to grandma's home" He said "Will you be there when I get in?"
"I'm not sure yet. Niall is driving me in, but I don't know when we will leave since he didn't really sleep this past night" I sniff
"Well I just spoke to Jamie she won't make it to the funeral but she might come to the Shiva"
I've never mentioned this but my 20 year old brother is dating a girl named Jamie too for over two year now. They met through friends. Since they've been together she is always at my house. I used to despise her being there all the time, but a few months ago when I was home alone with her we got talking and I've learned she's quite lovely.
"Shame, well she should come when she can" I say. As I hang up, Eleanor hands me some coffee.
"Thanks love" I say taking the cup.
"I told your mum I'll come over tomorrow to help out"
"You really don't have to, they are having a Shiva since that's what my grandpa wanted. It is really weird the whole ceremony you don't have to go through that with us.
"I want to! Your family is just like my own"
"I love you El! I know they will be happy to see you! Especially Lucie" I smile up at her.


"You're going to get sick standing out here in the rain" Niall touched my shoulder pulling me back to reality.
"I didn't even notice it is raining" I say looking up at him "Did my mum and Oliver get here yet?" I ask. We are waiting just for them.
Daniel is inside with my father. Josh and Emma are there too. I had to have a couple of minutes alone before I can face my whole family.
"They just came in. look, Oliver is coming"
I turn to look for my brother. As he nears me he opens his arms for me. I don't wait another moment and link my arms around his neck, crying once again.
"It was too soon" I sob into his chest "I was supposed to say goodbye. They promised I'll see him Friday". Oliver who was already taller than me ran his hand down my head petting my wet hair. "I know, we all wanted to say goodbye"
I finally let go of him, taking the Kleenex Niall offered me and wiping my eyes and nose.
"Mum is looking for you" Oliver said after shaking Niall's hand.
We walked in to greet the new comers and find my mum.
"Jamie" Emma called out to me as Oliver, Niall and I walked in. She came up and gave me a hug, her eyes red from crying.
"You've been there right? You saw grandpa?" She held my shoulders and looked at my matching red eyes.
"Yeah, it was trouble! He is better off where he is now" I say "This is Niall" I introduced him to my cousin. I could see her eyes glide over Niall's face and body, before she put her hand out for him to shake with a smile on her lips. "Heard much about you. Thanks for helping my family"
"No problem I'm truly sorry for you lose. Your granddad seemed to be an amazing man"
"He was, I'm happy you got a chance to meet him" She smiled and then turned her head to Josh- "Josh have you met Niall?" Josh walked over to us.
"Heard how much help you've been for our family. Thank you" He shook Niall's hand as well.
"I'm sorry for your lose" Niall told him
"Me too… Jamie darling" Josh hugged me "How are you holding up? You know Niall, it's the hardest for her since she was our granddads favorite, they were very close"
"I've noticed" Niall put an arm round my shoulder.
"Mum!" I call out seeing my mum in between the crowd. I take Niall's hand in mine and start to pave the way to her. People were stopping me paying condolences.
"Mum" We finally got to her after Niall took the reins to his own hands and pushed people aside for me.
"Lollipop" She opened her arms and I went in for a hug "Hello Niall love. How are you?" She kissed his cheeks when I let go of her.
"I'm good Mrs. Hart, how are you holding up?" he asked her
"It's a sad day for our family. But please love, call me Wendy"
My mum had to go into the back with my dad. We stayed where we were with Oliver. Emma and Daniel came to stand with us as the Rabi came out and got people to quiet down.
Josh walked over and handed out to Daniel Oliver and Niall yamakas to put on their heads.
"Niall you don't have to put that on" I tell him as I reach out to take, a little annoyed with Josh for just giving him one and not asking if he would like to put one on.
"No it's fine" Niall put it on his head, like Oliver and Daniel did.
My grandma, dad and his sisters walked out with their torn neck lines.
"Why is their neck line ripped?" Niall whispered to me
"It's a custom they do in Judaism" I whisper back "The grieving family has to wear those clothes for the whole week"
"Why aren't they ripping your shirt then?"
"It's only first proximity" Emma says
"Oh.. ok" I link my fingers with Niall's leaning my head against his arm. Emma was watching me closely. I look at her with question. She looks at us once more and then away ignoring my gaze.
The Company Kadisha who are the people who deal with the dead body's at the Jewish grave yards brought out My grandpa covered in a tallit, which is a Jewish paring shawl.
My grandma gasped loudly. Lucie and Lisa were on either side of her helping her up.
The Rabbi came to stand in front to say a few words.
"Thank you all for joining Barry Hart's last journey" He stopped looking round at all of the people. I looked round too. So many people came. I didn't think this much will show. I didn't know so many people knew my granddad, and the bad weather was a good reason to stay home.
"I never had the pleasure of knowing Barry" The Rabbi started again "but I have spent the last two days with his family, his wife Judith and his three children, Lisa, Lucie and Ilai and I have been left with a very clear impression of the kind of person that he was.
Barry wasn't one for too much fuss or ceremony so I won't go on for too long, and I will be keeping to his more recent past because that is something you will all be more familiar with.
Barry was a well-liked and respected man, he had many friends and although he didn't see them as often as he used to, they still kept in touch with each other, safe in the unspoken knowledge that they were there for each other if needed.
Barry's life was his family, they meant more to him than anything, a home loving family man, Judith recalled that he even gave up on a short spell of working away from home in the US, because he missed his family too much.
One of Barry's main hobbies was sketching: he enjoyed creating special effects with only the pencil, he also enjoyed portrait sketching, and not that you need it, but there is evidence of his obvious love and devotion to his family by the many high quality and professional standard sketches of them in their house.
He followed his granddaughter Jamie's work and designs she did in such a big and proud way. Telling everyone he'd meet about what she is up to and what project she is working on right now."
I felt eyes darting to me. I felt uncomfortable having to be the only grandchild mentioned. Niall gave my hand a little squeeze to reassure me.
"I wrote this short tribute to Barry early this morning, but somehow it lost a little of its impact when I read some comments from his Facebook page, I don't know who it was from and I don't know if they are here this afternoon, but it was for Barry, and it said quite simply.
"a really cool bloke"- "a really cool bloke" If I had dispensed with everything else and just stood here and repeated those four words, that would have told you all you needed to know.
I asked Lucie if she had something that she would particularly like me to say about her dad, she didn't even have to think about it, she looked me straight in the eye and said, 'Everybody loved him'".
I could hear my grandma and aunties crying. my dad stood next to them his face blank of emotion. I understand how he feels. This Rabbi who didn't even know my grandpa is standing up there talking about my family as if he is part of it. he may have fooled the crowd
"Barry died early this morning. I know he will be greatly missed by everyone who knew and loved him.
Josh his grandson would like to say a few words" The Rabbi stepped aside and Josh made his way to take his place in front of the crowd.
"Did you know he will talk?" I whispered to Emma
"No" She said. We all stood watching Josh waiting to hear what he had to say.
""Sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us, it passes and we remain." - Henry James
"My Grandpa was a humble man; he never liked to be the center of attention. In life and now in death, he wouldn't want us to focus on him. He wouldn't want us to focus on the sadness of his death, but instead focus on the happiness in our lives. He would want us to appreciate each other and our future.
A man as humble and loving as Grandpa will always be remembered by those of us who knew him and loved him. Although we will miss him, his smile, his pranks, his love, we take consolation in the good feelings of our memories.
I remember when I was a little boy, visiting Grandma and Grandpa. Grandpa would help us make forts and haunted houses in the basement. After it was built he pretended to go do something but he'd sneak back and scare us, or play tricks on us. And we'd shriek with fright but then laugh until our faces were sore because we knew it was Grandpa having fun with us."
I share that same memory with Josh remembering the way I closed my eyes with my hands blocking my sight thinking 'If I can't see the ghost he can't see me'. Daniel and Emma looked at me too, probably thinking of the same thing, by the little smiles that tagged at the sides of their mouths. Oliver was too young to remember.
"Whenever we would visit, Grandpa always played with us, not the games you would usually play with kids but poker. we used to sit and play with grandpa, most of the time Jamie would win" Josh nodded to my direction "And when that happen grandpa always made sure that we'd feel winners too.
Grandpa always said that his grandchildren kept him young at heart. That made us feel good inside. I can see that my mum got her fun loving spirit from grandpa. He was a great teacher to have, not only for my mum and us, but also for everybody. He was selfless and kind.
Grandpa, I will always miss you. But I have so many wonderful memories to hang on to. You were a role model, and a friend. Your guidance and love will carry me through to the end of my days. I love you Grandpa, until we meet again."
Tears were running down all of our faces, even Niall wiped a tear away. Even through once again I was singled out, I was touched by the lovely words Josh used.


"So is this all weird for you?" Lucie asked Niall. We were at my grandma's home where the Shiva is taking place.
"You mean the whole ceremony?"
"Yeah, must be strange for you" Emma said. Emma is keeping excessively close to me and Niall, and I have this feeling it has more to do with him then with me.
"Well it's very interesting" He smiled at her. I'm starting to get pestered at the way Emma is acting. She never saw me throw myself at her boyfriends so why do that to me?
"You know Jamie isn't even really Jewish since Wendy isn't a Jew" She went on
"Emma!" Lucie exclaimed in astonishment as she got up to move to the other room.
"But it's true" Emma replied flipping her long blond hair. Daniel who was sitting next to her moved back so it doesn't hit him in the face.
"That matters?" Niall asked attempting to stop whatever argument was about to suffice.
"Yes. You see, it's through the mum not the dad" She smiles. uahh she is really aggravating me.
"Well I can't care less about that" He lays his hand on my knee observant of my tense posture.
"Why would you? You aren't Jewish" Josh had to stick in his nose in like always.
Any time my dear cousins get a chance, they start up the fact that my brothers and I aren't really Jewish, and they are. However I really can't care less if I am or not. I benefit from both worlds which they don't. It's just the need to constantly scoff us.
I look at Oliver who's facing me. He shakes his head just slightly telling me to let it go.
"So Niall tell me about yourself" Emma changes the subject, playing with her hair.
Niall started a long conversation with Emma about school and football. Josh and Daniel joined in here and there. I got up and walked to the kitchen to find something to eat. I munch on a piece of chocolate watching Emma flirt with Niall and him letting her.
"Let it go Jay" I turn to see Oliver standing next to me.
"I know she's like that, but why is he letting her flirt? Why is he cooperating with her?"
"Jamie he's just being nice... let it go" I can't. I'm sick of being the nice girl, that everyone can step on. I walk over to Niall and Emma.
"I want to go" I tell him. They both look up at me from their seats.
"Jamie we are in the middle here love, come back soon" Emma smiled at me with mocking eyes.
"Well I'm tired and I want to go" I say looking at Niall
"ahh.. ok then, did you say your goodbyes?" He asked still sitting.
"No, you can come say them with me" I tell him pulling on his sleeve.
"Jamie give him a brake, he doesn't need to jump to your every command" Emma get up from her seat hands on her hips
"You know best, don't you Emma?" I walk away knowing Niall will follow, and knowing he won't be happy with my behavior.
"Bye grandma, all the best" I kiss her cheeks and give her a soft hug
"Already leaving?" My dad asked as I moved on to him
"Yeah, I'm really tired, I'll come back tomorrow after school" I smile at him
"You're tired? What should we say?" Lisa as always has to show she has it the hardest.
Niall said goodbye to my family and we were on our way.

"What was that about? You and Emma?" He asked me as we drove.
"You mean her being a big flirt? Or you letting her flirt with you? Oh what about you flirting back?" I say not able to keep it to myself any longer.
"What?" he ejaculated.
"Don't play me Niall I saw it myself"
"Ok Jamie.. You had a tough day today I'm not going to fight you" He hissed at me between his clenched teeth.
"What? You're going to pull on me the 'Niall 2.0 doesn't get made' shit?" I know I'm looking for a fight, and I shouldn't direct my anger and frustration at him, but I just couldn't control myself anymore.
"Fine Jamie, I was being nice to your family! What would you have liked me to do? get up and walk away?" He was trying to keep his voice even.
"YES!" I raised my voice just because he didn't. Niall kept quiet then, probably deciding that it's for the best.
He dropped me off at my building. I got out and turned to leave, but at the last minute turn and bend to the window.
"Thanks" I said. He nodded his head once so I'll know he heard me and then drove off. I watch his car disappear around the corner, Bitterness bubbling inside of me. That's when I make the decision to do what I did. Instead of climbing up the stairs I turn and walk the other way. It's raining again but I don't care. I walk until I reach the building I desired. I climbed up the stairs and knocked on the door.
The door opens. He stands there looking at my wet hair and clothes, after a moment he moves aside to let me in, then Harry follows me shutting the door behind him.

Notes

running to Harry....
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