Author's Note
Am I More Than Just Your Babysitter?
rate: 7
idea: +
grammar: good
This story is definitely different than what I've read before. I think it's a great idea but maybe a little bit unrealistic. First, I'd like to know how old Lilly is. If she's babysitting wouldn't she be older than the boys? I'm not sure someone would hire her if they're the same age. Obviously it's fiction but I don't really know anything about her.
Your spelling is great but the way you have written seems confusing at some points. When I read, sometimes I don't know who is talking. Also, try to write in paragraphs instead of just a sentence and then moving to the next line. This is an example of what yours looks like:
Once the movie was over we all walked back to the car.
I got into the driver's seat and all the boys were in the back.
About halfway through the drive I hear the boys chuckling.
"What's funny? I ask.
Instead, I would write it more like this:
Once the movie was over we all walked back to the car. I got into the driver's seat and all the boys were in the back. About halfway through the drive I hear the boys chuckling.
"What's funny? I ask.
So just try to stick with paragraphs until you separate the dialogue. When you don't it sounds a bit choppy.
The last thing I'd make sure to take your time on is detail. When you write try to add something in there to make the reader feel like they're in the room. You have a lot of dialogue but not enough description, for example:
"It's so hot in Florida, dad." I state as I wipe some sweat away from my forehead. He chuckled,
"Yes, well, it's Florida, not England. 30 degrees hotter."
"Ugh, I hate Florida."
"You just got here." My dad's girlfriend Nicki states. I rolled my eyes,
"Whatever, I'm just glad I'm away from the boys."
"What boys? They hurt you? I'll kell 'em." My dad said sternly as he looked at me quickly.
"Oh, just One Direction. They are so annoying."
"But you love One D!" He exclaimed.
"Loved" I emphasized, getting my point across.
"You're the luckiest girl alive!" Nicki looked too excited. I shrugged,
"Too late."
So the bold is what I added. It gives a bit more detail so the reader can picture it a little more and you can tell who is speaking. Without the detail, your reader is having to make their own emotions. It's your story, you take control! Yeah, just take that stuff into consideration and it will be so much more easier for the reader to connect with the characters.
I really hope this helped and if you ever need any help I'd love to!
idea: +
grammar: good
This story is definitely different than what I've read before. I think it's a great idea but maybe a little bit unrealistic. First, I'd like to know how old Lilly is. If she's babysitting wouldn't she be older than the boys? I'm not sure someone would hire her if they're the same age. Obviously it's fiction but I don't really know anything about her.
Your spelling is great but the way you have written seems confusing at some points. When I read, sometimes I don't know who is talking. Also, try to write in paragraphs instead of just a sentence and then moving to the next line. This is an example of what yours looks like:
Once the movie was over we all walked back to the car.
I got into the driver's seat and all the boys were in the back.
About halfway through the drive I hear the boys chuckling.
"What's funny? I ask.
Instead, I would write it more like this:
Once the movie was over we all walked back to the car. I got into the driver's seat and all the boys were in the back. About halfway through the drive I hear the boys chuckling.
"What's funny? I ask.
So just try to stick with paragraphs until you separate the dialogue. When you don't it sounds a bit choppy.
The last thing I'd make sure to take your time on is detail. When you write try to add something in there to make the reader feel like they're in the room. You have a lot of dialogue but not enough description, for example:
"It's so hot in Florida, dad." I state as I wipe some sweat away from my forehead. He chuckled,
"Yes, well, it's Florida, not England. 30 degrees hotter."
"Ugh, I hate Florida."
"You just got here." My dad's girlfriend Nicki states. I rolled my eyes,
"Whatever, I'm just glad I'm away from the boys."
"What boys? They hurt you? I'll kell 'em." My dad said sternly as he looked at me quickly.
"Oh, just One Direction. They are so annoying."
"But you love One D!" He exclaimed.
"Loved" I emphasized, getting my point across.
"You're the luckiest girl alive!" Nicki looked too excited. I shrugged,
"Too late."
So the bold is what I added. It gives a bit more detail so the reader can picture it a little more and you can tell who is speaking. Without the detail, your reader is having to make their own emotions. It's your story, you take control! Yeah, just take that stuff into consideration and it will be so much more easier for the reader to connect with the characters.
I really hope this helped and if you ever need any help I'd love to!
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16