Author's Note
Loving My Best Friend
rate: 7.5
idea: +
grammar: okay
advice: 4-5
I only read the first few chapters but this is what I got out of it. This idea is different in the sense that they are sisters. Grammar wise the spelling is great but the sentences and dialogue need to be separated. One big paragraph is really hard to read especially when more than one person is talking. For example:
I woke up and ran down the stairs, did yesterday really happen? I walked into the kitchen and Diana stood there, ready to talk.
"What do you want?" I rubbed my eyes.
"We need to talk about yesterday." I smirked at her, looking at all of her bruises. I did good.
"Yeah, you're face looks pretty beat up. I can't say sorry though. Sorry." I laughed and she stood with her arms crossed. "Can you just leave? Go be with your boyfriend."
So that's kinda what it should look like. It's much easier to read and it will even make your chapters look a little longer! If you ever need help editing I can always do that for you. Next are just some details that need to be more clear. In the beginning, Harry has his own room but then he has another home? And why is Diana there to begin with? I know you said something about a job but what job? Where is this job?
There are a few unrealistic moments as well. When Isabelle pours her coffee on Harry's head I'm pretty sure he would have screamed from the hottest. I don't care how macho someone is; that's going to hurt. Isabelle also never refers Diana as her sister. Whether she likes it or not, she is her sister. Calling her "that bitch" and other terms all the time may lead the reader to believe they aren't siblings even though it is stated at the beginning.
Everything seems to be going a bit fast. Slow down and add detail. Let us know where Isabelle works. Does she work? What does she do with her friends? Does she have anyone she can vent to besides Harry? Now this isn't completely necessary but it will give your story depth and make it more interesting.
Please remember this is supposed to be constructive so it can only get better! Keep writing and don't give up because if you love writing as much as I do other opinions don't matter! Feel free to ask for help whether it's for dialogue or for anything I mentioned above! Message me if you want and I'll be glad to help or rate again later!
"If you never give up, you'll be successful" -Dan O'brien
idea: +
grammar: okay
advice: 4-5
I only read the first few chapters but this is what I got out of it. This idea is different in the sense that they are sisters. Grammar wise the spelling is great but the sentences and dialogue need to be separated. One big paragraph is really hard to read especially when more than one person is talking. For example:
I woke up and ran down the stairs, did yesterday really happen? I walked into the kitchen and Diana stood there, ready to talk.
"What do you want?" I rubbed my eyes.
"We need to talk about yesterday." I smirked at her, looking at all of her bruises. I did good.
"Yeah, you're face looks pretty beat up. I can't say sorry though. Sorry." I laughed and she stood with her arms crossed. "Can you just leave? Go be with your boyfriend."
So that's kinda what it should look like. It's much easier to read and it will even make your chapters look a little longer! If you ever need help editing I can always do that for you. Next are just some details that need to be more clear. In the beginning, Harry has his own room but then he has another home? And why is Diana there to begin with? I know you said something about a job but what job? Where is this job?
There are a few unrealistic moments as well. When Isabelle pours her coffee on Harry's head I'm pretty sure he would have screamed from the hottest. I don't care how macho someone is; that's going to hurt. Isabelle also never refers Diana as her sister. Whether she likes it or not, she is her sister. Calling her "that bitch" and other terms all the time may lead the reader to believe they aren't siblings even though it is stated at the beginning.
Everything seems to be going a bit fast. Slow down and add detail. Let us know where Isabelle works. Does she work? What does she do with her friends? Does she have anyone she can vent to besides Harry? Now this isn't completely necessary but it will give your story depth and make it more interesting.
Please remember this is supposed to be constructive so it can only get better! Keep writing and don't give up because if you love writing as much as I do other opinions don't matter! Feel free to ask for help whether it's for dialogue or for anything I mentioned above! Message me if you want and I'll be glad to help or rate again later!
"If you never give up, you'll be successful" -Dan O'brien
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16