Author's Note

This took forever and I'm so sorry! I'll start small and get bigger!

1. Characters
The descriptions of your characters are too long! The description should be brief; name and a quality. The rest I am going to read in the text so don't give too much. Also, the first two summaries are told by the author (you), while Marcel is told from his perspective. If you do long summaries, they need to be all similar.

2. Chapters
Most of the time the length of a chapter doesn't matter but yours are extremely short. I suggest making them a little longer. You could even combine some of your chapters and it would still flow smoothly. Just make sure you are giving us enough so it reads like a story rather than facts. Giving more detail can also help with this!

3. Sentence structure/grammar/spelling
Okay, these three things are extremely important. to begin with, you should make your story into paragraphs. You write single sentences which can make your story seem choppy.

Example:
I saw Evillin start to follow Marcel once the class was over.

I felt a shiver of worry and fear for Marcel.

Why did I get the feeling something bad was going to happen?

If I'd known now what was going to happen, I would of staked her there and then.

With some hesitation I decided to follow them.

I watched Evillin follow Harry quitly, hardly making a sound.

Soon we were out of school and we were going through a Park.

try:
I saw Evillin start to follow Marcel once the class was over. I felt a shiver of worry and fear for Marcel. Why did I get the feeling something bad was going to happen? If I'd known now what was going to happen, I would of staked her there and then.

With some hesitation I decided to follow them. I watched Evillin follow Harry quitly, hardly making a sound. Soon we were out of school and we were going through a Park.

That's just a small section but it isn't as choppy.

For spelling and grammar you really just have to go back and fix your mistakes. Make sure you review your chapter over before posting it. I can tell you know what the correct grammar is and the spelling of words, you just need to check it over.

4. Detail
It's vital that you have lots and lots of detail. Detail does not only give your story depth but it will make your chapters longer too! The more detail, the more I will understand your characters, their personalities, and their reactions along with all surroundings. Here is something you could try. You have:

I smelt his delicious blood from where I was sitting.

try:

I smelt his delicious blood from where I was sitting. It was like my version of heaven; sweet and warm. Every move he made caused a rush to travel through my body. His hand raised causing his blood to rush down his arm giving me a different sensation. If only he knew what his blood was doing to me.

So that's not the best example but the point is to really emphasize what's going on. When I read I want to know exactly what everything looks like. Whatever she is feeling, I want to know. If she's thirsty for his blood I'm sure she has more to say then just the smell of his delicious blood. What does it smell like?

5. Characters
So character connection is key. I found it difficult putting faces and characters together. Jordan appears as a POV but I really didn't know who they were before then. And I still don't know what they look like. I need more from the characters. They are what make the story so tell me how concerned Andy is or show me that Marcel is surprised at his new bravery. All of this matters!

Overall you have a few things to work on but you seem to have things moving smoothly. Make sure your story stays original because there are many vampire stories and you want yours to stand out!

Thank you for your patience and if you have any other questions just ask :)

Notes

This review had a little help from @Missonedirection94 !